I don't really know if I can put this into the right words, so I'm just going to wing it.

I've been a part of this fandom for a little over 10 years, longer than even I realize sometimes even if it's not long in the grand scheme, and it feels like the longer I'm here the more of a struggle it is for me to be a part of it. I've had so many friends, artists and people I really looked up to when starting out, come and go. Even now the few people I even consider friends from this part of my life don't make me feel like I belong in their circle. I can't remember the last time I've done an OC session, been invited to play games, or RP with anyone, do an art trade where both parties enjoyed it, or whatever. I see everyone having fun with everyone else and feel like I'm not allowed to be in on itthe fun. Whenever I try to talk to people about my art it's always a case of either I'm "too gross" or "too tame" and never just happy with the art I try to share with them. I can't even find people on F-list to get along with, and I've been there almost since its beginnings. It only ever feels like people are quick to point out their problems with me or my art. Anymore I can't even have silly gossip chat with people because everyone seems to make a point out of saying I'm wrong or just automatically disagree with whatever I find to be stupid and amusing.

I can't even remain relevant as an artist anymore. I remember when I was just starting out, in my later teen years especially, and feeling almost popular at one point. My art was even worse than it is now, and yet I can remember people wanting to do trades with me, drawing giftart and fanart, simply because they liked my company. I remember people really liking what I was doing, even if I wasn't good at it, and letting me be a part of their experience too. It made me feel welcome that I could make people happy to just have me around even if I wasn't good at the same thing they drew. But anymore I feel like people don't even care. Everything's gotten so big and I can't keep up with it anymore. I don't even like what attention I get now, feeling it's mostly just from people who make me uncomfortable or simply see me as just another object for their obsessions. I can't remember the last time some one new greeted me, or wanted to talk to me personally, that didn't fill me with a sense of worry about what they'd expect from me.

Even when I tried to just make this into a sort of job, I couldn't find where I belonged in it. Going through college for three years, borderline homeless and coping with abuse for two years, then running away on a gamble, I always tried to make my art into an asset to help support me through these hard times, and even when I relied on it I failed to stake much of a claim or carve out a niche. Hardly anyone wanted to help me through these times, even when I practically begged for it, and in the end it just ended up making me feel miserable and unaccomplished.

Looking at all of this, looking back at those 10-11 years, I see where so much went wrong yet so little went right. In hindsight I see where a lot of times I have been in the wrong, and feel I can never really make it up to the people I inadvertently (or undeservedly) hurt. At the same time though when I do look back, I always see one particular moment that I've just never been able to get over; a moment that I feel has been a tipping point in all of this. There was some one whom, much like when I started out, probably wasn't considered any good, and yet I saw them adored all over the place. I admired what I thought at the time to be just an all around great and friendly person, and wanted to get to know them as well. I tried to be their friend, talked to them and tried to know more about them, and even started to draw more art in an attempt to find a common ground. I think at the time I really wanted them to like me above all else, and I failed. One day they told me to stop, and that I would never be a good enough artist to earn their approval. It broke my heart, honestly. Even today I am constantly reminded of this failure, seeing support and artwork for this person, and cannot come to terms and get over the fact that I failed to make some one I, at one point in time, genuinely cared about happy.

Maybe that's my problem all along. Maybe I'm just an awful, petty person, who can't make or keep friends anymore because I don't get the attention I would like, and can't let go of shitty memories/experiences due to constant reminders. Maybe I should just stop trying to make this community into an experience I can enjoy, because nothing's working anymore. I will always try my best to enjoy my art, even if no one else does, but after so many years and especially recently, I've become so tired of trying to continue being a part of this when I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't know how to make this work for me anymore, and don't know if I really can at this rate, due to my own faults or circumstances I can't control.