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Gender thoughts. by Sybrant
This is going to be one of those journals where I ramble, feel free to ignore this.
So, for those don't know by now, I'm transgender, and I live as male, as best I can without hormones and surgery (I'm still waiting on medical help, but that's a whole other journal!). But one sticking point I've noticed lately is that I've started feeling bad for liking "girly" things. Like, because I'm trans I should be "proving" that by not liking anything girly, and by being the manliest manbeing that has ever manned.
But that's not me. I guess I'm more of a feminine kinda guy. But I feel like the gender police are going to come along and tell me I'm "not trans enough" (and take away my flower crown) if I admit that to too many people.
I guess this has been catalysed lately because I got my hair cut on Tuesday to something decidedly more masculine, and whilst I'm starting to get used to it now, I do kinda miss my old haircut, which was a lot more androgynous. And yeah, I did want a more masculine haircut despite everything, because I have this drive to try to "pass", even though I know that's kind of a harmful concept. But I do miss my old hairstyle, and I miss the ambiguity it had. Maybe I just like messing with people's ability to gender strangers?
But I find myself doing feminine things almost to "make up" for my masculine haircut. Like, I sewed lace onto the edge of one of my shirts today. I saw a tumblr post about it and I thought it would be pretty. I was right, it is pretty, but I don't know if I'll have the guts to wear this shirt outside, because gender policing and stuff. But on the other hand, it's really cute and I should be able to wear things I like without worrying about what people think? I have no idea if I pass or not, but if I don't then wearing feminine things is hardly going to harm anything. And, I think, if people are going to disrespect my gender just for a piece of lace, then they weren't going to respect it in the first place, and just needed an excuse.
Ugh, I can't tell if this is all just in my head or if the world really is this cruel and complicated? Answers on a postcard, I guess?
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It is entirely that complicated, enough to fill a book, and probably has. If you want to pile on another layer, consider how much our gendered society plays into living as a nonbiological gender. If your clothes and haircut weren't assigned to the masculine gender, they would afford no way to act as a signification of your identification as male.
Personally, I'm biologically male and identify that way, but prefer feminine clothes (which is completely untenable where I live). But then if clothes weren't gendered, would that still be the case? I have no idea.
In essence the very nature of socially assigned gendered norms is so entangled with nonbinary gender identity that you can go crazy trying to figure it out.
My solution is I keep abstract thinking on social meanings of gender separate from my own inclinations. So I'm happy to chase the rabbit of gender down the hole all day, but I can step back and just like what I like without feeling like I have to justify it.
Or, you do what feels right for you, but always be willing to consider the more complex social meanings.
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PixelHoot
Well I know for a fact that the world is very cruel and complicated, so I really doubt it's all in your head. If you feel like more of a feminine or androgynous guy then that's who you are. Gender is more than just feminine female or masculine male, but a lot of people have trouble understanding that. I've heard of people worrying about "not being trans enough" before so it's not just you. I think it's just because gender roles/stereotypes are so ingrained in our minds that they cause problems like this and make things more complicated than they should be. Physically, lace has nothing to do with being female or male; nothing in the world does. It's all just a big messy social construct.