WARNING!

Major sap ahead.

If you don't want to read lovey dovey words, I suggest you move on to the next journal in your messages.

This was reposted from my deviantART journal. I wanted to type it to get a depressing journal off my front page, and because I felt the need to.

Sap journal... BEGIN!

You know... I really can't believe it. I thought for sure I was going to live alone. Maybe with a friend/roommate, but never a lover. I couldn't imagine living with a lover. I never thought I could fall for someone this hard. But you know what? I have. It's amazing, it really is. Razii is everything to me. We had our hardships since she moved in, but everything's been better at the same time. Before, we were separated completely with hardly any way to see each other. She was in Phoenix, Arizona. I was in SLO County, California. We were miles away from each other. We could only communicate through text messages, emails, and calls, though it was hardest for us to talk through emails. (She had a horrid internet connection at the time.) I remember calling her often. I don't remember a lot of the conversations we had, but I know I loved to call her during lunch and on the weekend. I racked up the phone bill with the calls until my parents put me on a plan that allowed me to call her for free at any time. XD;;

I can't tell you how happy I am she moved in seven months ago. Life has been hard. We've been stressed out with many unexpected things, we had disagreements and arguments, and we've been unable to find a job. But we worked through it together. The unexpected things keep popping up and we still don't have jobs, but we're not nearly as stressed out by these as we would be. We've patched up the holes in our relationship, which I admit, had formed due to the arguments. (Don't worry; they're gone, now <3) We're happily in love again. We can't stand to be away from each other and we feel closer than we ever have. Or at least, I feel closer than I ever have. It feels empty to not have her in the room. When we walk down the street, side by side, my hand feels empty if it's not clasped by hers. If I'm out without her, I feel alone and quiet. With her, I'm happy. I smile a lot. I laugh a lot more naturally. I'm playful and cuddly. I am truly, undeniably happy. There are still times I have to force smiles, I admit, but that's only due to outside interferences.

I have to confess. I have told her this before, but I haven't told anyone else. I feared for our relationship about a month ago. We had been fighting a lot. She ran out a few times. One time, she admitted that she thought about never going back. I worried a lot everytime she ran out. But worrying never fixed anything. There were problems with the relationship that we just couldn't get down to the roots of. We couldn't figure out the true problem. We finally figured it out a few weeks ago, just before I started up my college classes on the 23rd. I hate to say this, but we almost broke up. It's not something I'm happy about. We weren't able to do it, but I'm not happy it had happened like that. It snapped me out of it, though, and made me realize what the true problem was. I managed to fix what I was doing wrong, and she fixed her part. The stress started to fade away. She told me she finds herself happier with my family and the dogs, more tolerant of them. (She had been extremely annoyed with them before and almost hated them. She still dislikes some aspects, but she's better with them now and will even cuddle up to the dogs.) We started to grow closer again. I realized a few days ago to about a week ago that before, I had been taking things for granted. Her kisses, her hugs, being near her... I was taking it all for granted. Every day, I had feared another fight starting up from small things. (The tension between us had grown thick until we fixed it.) Even after we had fixed the problem, I was tense and worried. I was worried that my new solution wouldn't work, for everything else that I tried never worked, either. I started to get defensive, always expecting a fight of some sort. But after I realized that everything was okay now, that we were happier (it didn't take me too long ;p), I calmed down.

I don't like admitting everything up there, but it was an important part, a turning point. We made it through together and now we're happier than we were. I have a certain way of acting when I'm happy. I laugh a lot at everything - hardly any exaggeration, I am very clingy (meaning I love hugs and cuddles), I love kisses, and I have this way of speaking that shows I'm happy. (I have a higher voice when I'm happy.) I find myself smiling at the thought of going home to my lovely, wonderful, beautiful mate after college, even though it's only a few hours and only two days a week. I'm always excited to see her again when I've been away. She makes everything seem so much more relaxing, peaceful, and happy. I can't help but to smile when I'm near her. Hell, I'm even smiling a bit while writing this .////////.;;

When we were fighting, I knew that she was perfect for me. I knew that. I was worried that I wasn't perfect for her. You do not know how happy I was when she called me perfect again, when she said that she was completely in love with me again. I cried, I was so happy. All I had wanted was to be perfect to her again. Now, I am. I cannot think of how I could be any happier. (Other than spending the rest of my life with her, of course.) I feared I would never be perfect for her, that I would mess up somewhere. But you know what? Now that everything's fixed, little things that used to annoy her don't anymore. She says that she's sometimes irked by some things, but she's able to dismiss them easily.

I have learned that I have grown up as well. I have never grown up as fast as I have with her around. I was always sheltered. I was a military child who spoiled almost to no end. My parents gave me everything I wanted, so long as it wasn't too expensive. (Though they did get a PS3, a PS2, X-Box 360, Wii, and a few other things every now and then for my brother and I...) I never had to be bored; I could always find something to do. But because of how sheltered I was, I was also very naïve. I still am a bit, haha! But I have grown up. I learned how to take care of my own things. I learned how to pull my head out of the clouds and pay attention to life, to what matters. I learned to think ahead - and think in general. (Still not very good at it, with how air-brained I am ;p) I learned how to pay attention to my surroundings. I even keep track of days now. I still love to roleplay and write, but I find myself not wanting to do it as much as I used to. I used to do many replies in one day, but now, I reply at most once every other day, if not less frequently. I don't mind typing out long replies to roleplays this sparsely. It gives me time to do other things. I've gone outside a hell of a lot more than I used to. Yeah, sometimes I wish I could talk to the people on the OOC more, but that's only because I want to know what they're like, but even then, I don't find it as important as spending time with my mate.

She's truly that important to me. She is my everything. As I explained before, it feels empty without her. I don't know what I would do without her. When we were fighting, my biggest worry was about us breaking up, about me not being perfect. But now, it's losing her. Not losing her to someone else or losing her love, but life taking her away from me. The Greeks had a belief many, many years ago. They said that two people happily in love was a bad omen, that something was bound to go wrong. I don't want to believe them, but a part of me still does. It's fear that keeps me believing it, fear that she'll be taken away from me, without my decision on it. I'm always worried that something will take her. I try my best not to think about it, but when we walk down the street, I worry about someone hitting her. (There was a guy who was killed near our house. He was walking along a street and a car swerved to hit him then drove off. Back in Sierra Vista, there was a driver who purposefully hit bicyclers sometimes.) I don't ever want that to happen, but I fear it. I always lead her away from the traffic when we walk alongside a road, worried that the car won't move over to allow us more room to walk, even though there's a bicycle lane.

I just don't want her disappearing. It scares me. She's everything I could ever want. She laughs at my jokes, even if they're not funny. (She laughs at the fact that I try, but she still laughs.) She likes to roughhouse and play around. She loves cats, horses, being outside, dogs, furries, anime, manga, video games, drawing, and so much more. We have so many interests. We even have basically the same belief system, though with slight variations. We're so alike in many ways, yet different in others. I'm more carefree, bouncy, happy, smiley, and friendly. She's more serious, calm, organized, and down-to-earth. I cause her to be more carefree in situations where it's needed. She causes me to be more serious in other situations. But we still have fun together. We can still do many things together, because we like nearly the same things. And not to mention that she's beautiful. Not just inside, but outside as well. I don't base love on looks. I don't care if someone's ugly, so long as their personality is great. That's all I've ever cared about. I've always thought a pretty girl would just be a bonus, on top of her personality. But I still appreciate it. Lately, I've found her more and more beautiful. I've always liked big boobs. This is no secret. I love how squishy and pillowy they are. I love to lay my head on them and use them as a pillow. She has the large breast that I like, but she's also thin, but not too thin. I find that I like it better if someone is a bit bigger than me. I don't like how thin I am sometimes; it seems way too skinny in some ways. I'm more appreciative of girls who are a bit more filled in, who have a bit more meat on their bones. (I used to look anorexic. You could see my spine, my ribs, my elbows... I looked like I was in desperate need of a sandwich! Therefore, I came to like people who were a bit more filled in, who looked healthier.) Razii has just that. She's not overweight (don't get me wrong, I don't mind those who are overweight. I know people who are, but are still beautiful. In fact, I find their faces very cute as well.), but she doesn't look underweight, either. (Again, I don't mind those who are.)

Her hair is beautiful as well. I had a friend back in high school who had very long hair, a friend named Sequoia. I would always play with her hair. Razii is growing her hair out and it's looking more and more beautiful. I can't help but to play with it! It's so shiny and wavy and long; it's pretty. She says her ears stick out and while they look like they do with a hat on (whose doesn't?), I don't notice them as much as she does. Her eyes are gorgeous, too. I love all eye colours. I've always loved eyes. But hers are this shade of green that I love. It's not just the colour, but the look in her eyes. I have a special thing where I can easily see emotion through the eyes. I don't choose to use it; it just happens. I can really see the love in her eyes. The more love I see, the more beautiful her eyes are. I... really like to stare that them >///////>;;

Ah, geeze, this journal is long. I should end it very soon ^^;; I still need to shower, haha! Well... I guess I'll end it with this. I definitely do not regret anything. Everything happens for a reason. If <i>anything</i> had been even slightly different, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't love each other as much as we did today. If I hadn't done the littlest of things, we wouldn't be where we are. If I hadn't brought Abigail up to Stephanie's hotel room, I wouldn't have found out Mel and the others were there. If I hadn't given Razii my phone number, I wouldn't have contact with her. If I didn't cuddle with her even once, we wouldn't have been as close at the end. Everything would have been so much different if <i>anything</i> went different that day. And, as much as I hate to think about it, the fight needed to happen as well. It brought us closer. It hurt us and pounded away at us, but in the end, we were stronger. It toughened us up and brought us closer together. It showed us that we can survive a near-break-up. It showed us that we can get through anything. It will be tough when we move out, which we will be doing after I graduate college.

I know I've mentioned this at the beginning of the journal, but I never could imagine living with a lover. But now, I find myself daydreaming about it. I already know the perfect house. I know I probably won't get it, but I feel that I'd be happy just living with her, for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine now, being alone without her, or with anyone else. I want only her, nothing more, nothing less. I want to move out with her. I want to spend my life with her. And... You know... I hated the thought of marriage. I thought there to be too much paperwork, too much of a hassle. Now, I find myself daydreaming about it. That is how much she has changed me, and it's all for the better.