Last Tuesday I turned 38, which is no big deal save for anyone who wanted to make a big deal about it. I got myself a cheese cake (two slices) just to cheer myself up. Other than that nothing else was done after all it was a Tuesday. This past weekend I spent painting the kitchen wall and doing my usual errands running around. I almost wanted to go out for sushi but no one else was around to do so. The funny thing is there are a couple of people I follow on social network whose birthdays are around mine. On twitter I got a lot of well wishes and that was nice, made it felt good. Then came the other people's turn. Yes they got the well wishes, they also got free art. Let me repeat that FREE ART. Are these people talented? Yes. Are these people popular due to said talent? Of course. So it shouldn't surprise me that they get something out of it. Yet it did frustrate me.

Then came this morning. I got a note on a website and I'll let the name of the user and the website out of it to avoid drama but after 15 years of drawing in the fandom specifically I was told my art work is still "amateur". Yep, nothing destroys the creative ego faster than being told yep all those years of working on stuff and you rank as a newbie. Would explain the lack of commissions, the lack of any kind of feed back, and a lot of other issues. I am really just tired of constantly trying to prove myself to everyone and everything. Add to this the day to day battles from ODing room mates, my car getting graffittied, friends not talking to me, and so on and it's amazing I haven't just called it quits.

Why do I stick around? I do find myself asking that question when it seems all I get is beaten up by life. Where's the end game? Where am I going? What's the end result?