Things were supposed to get better since my Dad left.
Yet he's still trying to make things worse.

He's spitefully taking most of the things in the apartment (i.e. Living room couches, TV, Movies, My Mothers Bed Frame, Her Dresser) All because he's paid maybe for some of those things but NOT all of them. If my mom tries to take him to court his parents or more specifically his mother will lie and say she's mentally and physically abused him. He broke his own pinky weeks ago in fit of a sleep induced panic attack and blames her.

HE STARTED ALL THIS BY CHEATING BUT HE DOESN'T SEE THAT NO HE JUST SEES HIS WIFE UPSET. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

All my life he's been telling me that I'll hate him and never speak to him when I'm older and at this point in time he's fucking pushing me their. He's being maniacal and lying, doing all this stupid shit and because of him I have to buy more art supplies because for all I know he's thrown them away.

I never rant, I hate this. It's been like this since last March and every since he's slowly degraded into this angry accuser of lies and he does nothing to fix his own relationship with his wife and his oldest son, me.

He doesn't see that and theirs no telling him this anytime soon. He's not the type of father you can just talk to. . .it's always been about him and that's all there was. I love him and he's only proving that he doesn't want that from me.

I'm not too concerned about the physical possessions because anything of that nature can be bought but the trauma and mental heart-ache this is causing has left me physically upset and mentally exhausted tonight.

As soon as he left, I was able to draw without degradation and judgement. Once the phone contract ends I won't need to see his mass texts of how I am a failure and how I do nothing but disappoint him. Until he breakdowns, has a panic attack and tries to apologize to me in and out of sleep, barley conscious. He thinks something is wrong with him and now I fear that there always was.

I apologize for the delays, the personal updates, the somberness but I don't know what to do as of right now. All I know is that drawing is making things somewhat easier to cope with because I get lost in my own world listening to myself as opposed to him. In don't want that to stall anymore or at least anytime soon. No breaks it's the only thing I have control over in my life right now.

My mom is looking to me for some help which is why I need to find a job soon, she isn't going to make me stay here and pay for very much she wants me to move with my boyfriend up to WA as fast as I can, with as much stability as I can. I'm not strong enough to just leave with nothing, I'd rather have a fighting chance up there. I'm looking for a job there too.

It's been almost a full year and not once have I felt this weighed down and tonight, I can't breathe properly.

-Cloud A.