Not sure where to start with this one. In fact, I haven't written any of these on this site. So, to those readers out there -- probably friends I've linked -- Hello, and welcome. I'll be your guide to what may end up as a life story, or may just end up as a bit of a rant. Probably some semblance of both. Hold on to your knees, proceed to suckle your thumb, and read away in that position!...Or don't. I don't know. Let's start with that.

I just...Don't know. Lots of things. That's never been much a problem to me before, and it's not now, or so I like to think. If I need to know something, I try to find out about it. If it's something that I can't actively research -- like a person's behavior, personal experience or what-have-you -- I try my best. I give the benefit of the doubt. I know everybody has very unique scenarios and is a completely unique person individually. No one person has gone through the exact same scenario as another person. However, similarities arise and from there, links can be made. Links between scenarios build understanding. Understanding builds friendship. Some things...Some things, you just can't relate to. You know the situation. The words ring in your mind, you build an image...And you may have been through something similar. But you just can't find the words to say. You can't relate. You can sympathize. And that's...All you can do. You don't know. But you most certainly understand, comprehend and communicate all of the above.

Communication is one of the two things that makes life worthwhile in my eyes. I'm not adverse to loneliness; in fact, I prefer it. I adore being left to my own devices with minimal communication. However, I still require communication. For my own mental, physical and emotional well-being. I have friends that I adore. As with everybody, I also have friends that are mere acquaintances. Such is life. Communication, as with everything, is something that gets applied more in some areas than in others. I believe everybody has some capacity for...For lack of a better phrase on hand at the moment, "Being good." More or less, a good deal of individuals any one person will meet will have some semblance of good will to their being. That leads me to the first thing that's been on my mind as of late. Rather tangential at best, but I'm just going on to anything that hits my mind while taking breaks between typing, reader, so bear with me.

Ego. That one thing that makes us -who- we are as individuals. It's the definition of the mental "Who," in contrast to our physical features. Various things make up one's ego. Some things entirely controllable, some things are out of our control. Genetics can even play some role in our behaviors, albeit slightly. Usually, experience molds the individual. "Oh yeah, Asshole Jake." "Yeah, nice guy Tim, dude!" It's something beautiful, it's something ugly, it's something that defines us as people. Even more "simple" animals have ego and behavior. However, that brings us to the first...Major point I've been noticing that's led to this horrendous wall of text, mister or missus reader.

Ego has been harmfully permeating my life far more than is acceptable lately. I try to keep mine in check to not negatively impact others. I like to think I'm generally successful, but...Well. One's self is not always a good initial judge of one's own actions. So many things in life I've had to deal with can simply boil down to a clash of egos. I like to think mine is not a hindrance. I have many good friends that I talk to. Many good friends that like interacting with me. I try to be nice in almost all of my interactions. I routinely have people tell me that I'm nice. I've...Done all of that sort of checking. The checking you do when everywhere you go smells like shit. You look at your own feet first. I'm not saying mine are completely clean of shit. I know I have my own egotistical moments. I've acknowledged these. I'm attempting to fix these things that I do not like about myself. I do not like my ego at times.

While we're on THAT subject...Hell, for those who don't know, I have Disassociative Identity Disorder. Better known to most as Multiple Personality Disorder. Or...As close a diagnosis I can get to such a disorder as is possible without long, extensive tests that would span half a year or more. I studied psychology in the past. My former zeal for the subject caught the attention of a local clinic, who hired me on an unpaid internship as a receptionist. They were partnered with the local community college, so they were able to help with my book prices and so on. In layman's terms, I have multiple voices in my head. I have multiple, very different personalities that respond to what happens to me in various fashions. Usually, I retain very precise mental control. I am myself, they know I am myself. They do not try to wrest control from me. I'm fairly high-functioning with the disorder. However, even with this, I sometimes dislike my various egos. Not enough to become agitated with them. Enough to close my eyes and try to rest what little I can.

I regularly interact with people on various sites and programs. F-list / F-chat is one of the big ones. Many people know me as Kyssilia or Maxie. The latter of which is also one of my little mind buddies. Foxxy, Hyperion, Pahzhu, Volas and Maxie. Five little goofballs that have almost consistent chatter in the back of my mind, helping me assimilate plenty of things. As Kyssy and Maxie, I try to be generally welcoming or otherwise neutral toward all people I interact with. However, some people and their egos makes this all but impossible sometimes. It's simply...Mind boggling. I spoke earlier of understanding, comprehension and communication. However, I cannot even -attempt- to comprehend ego so inflated that if I try to address something I've noticed between two individuals, or just talk about something between multiple parties, even, I get personal attacks thrown directly at me and cannot progress toward any sensible end. There is very literally no conversing with them past that point. I admit my flaws and continue to try to push forward, relevant or not. Still no progress. Still ad hominem attacks. Every problem or...Other things. Anything. Discussing something as mundane as a video game or my likes. Everything that I note is simply my own noting, or everything that I happen to have a small qualm about is and only ever will be me alone. Because of _____ flaw. I am in the wrong. I have this problem or that problem. I acknowledge them. I try to continue with the subject sensibly. I cannot. I am completely in the wrong. It's...Baffling. Complete and utter refusal to understand anything any other person could be feeling or experiencing. Communication utterly failing.

This...Essentially boils down to egos clashing. I try to be entirely rid of mine as best I can, yet no matter what I do, no matter how...Open and nice I try to be toward any scenario. Even simple discussions. I'm routinely getting my own faults tossed into my face as if I'm not aware of them. I've spoken with my close friends. I've had them be frank with me. I'm doing the best with what I have to alleviate my own personal issues, and I like to think these flaws are not truly at fault when I bring them up. I like to think I'm not in the wrong in these. At the same time...I do not like the thought that I'm just being attacked by these people. By clashing egos. By...People being so selfish, they can only think of themselves, and are at least temporarily having a lapse wherein they cannot take into consideration the emotions of others.

Therein lies the second point I've been muddling over, mister or missus reader. Selfishness. I'm very aware I'm selfish in many things. Self-centered in many more things. This is indeed my life. I think everybody is given some..."Allowance" of selfishness. I do not think one's selfishness should ever be used to be an active hindrance to others. In many of my day-to-day interactions, I try to keep things to where my own selfishness is not at the expense of others. I think of others' emotions often before my own. I do not like being made to feel sad by others, so I take very great care to not actively make others saddened by my own actions. A lot of people have told me that this is something they like about me, so it's not going unnoticed...

All of the above said, I have spoken a lot about myself. "I," "Me," and various iterations of that are abundant in the above. After all, this is my journal. As such, this is also my life. This journal is...Simply an attempt at finding some semblance of balance again. I like to think that all of these things I've noticed happening with increased frequency is just that -- Noticing. Maybe not even actually happening. Correlation does not equal causation, more or less. Or even more aptly, once you notice something initially, you start to see it more often in your life. It may be that, but I do not think it is, sadly. Another unfortunate happenstance is that no matter how much you know and admit to knowing and working on your own flaws, some people will simply not see anything about you except those flaws. And they will attack you relentlessly about them. Be they people you know, random people you meet on the internet...Sometimes even your own family. One's own family can be especially critical of one's self. The best one can do in these scenarios is doing what you can in order to find your own balance again. Do what you can do to make yourself happy once more. Find your center.

To me, my center is found through communication. To bring things back around to point one. Communication. Talking with my friends to make sure that I can move on. Process. Assimilate. Get their help to bounce ideas off of. Talk, laugh, cry. The whole shebang. Everything. That's what friends are for! And that's why every children's show's point is "Friendship will win through!" Cheesy? Oh, you betcha. But the feeling you get when you've got a few people who you can just...-Experience- things with is the best. The ups, the downs. I make damn sure to let my close friends know that be it good or bad, I want them to talk to me about things. Their lives are important to them. What they're going through. I'm not going to pressure them to share every little thing in their life. However, if they want to share something with me, I'll have a story I can use to vaguely relate to them. I want to relate to them. I love knowing that I'm not the only person who's felt these things. The laughing, the crying, the bloodshed, the hardships...Life is just beautiful.

I spoke earlier that communication is one of two things that makes life worthwhile to me. The other worthwhile thing in life...

Music. Music is my joy. All of my life exists to a beat. My mind and my feet move to a constant rhythm. Fast or slow, it's moving. I'm moving. My world ebbs and flows around music, and it all just makes me happy. Metal, Hip-Hop, Country, Rock...Each and every genre has these diamonds and it just makes me. That's how pure the enjoyment is in my mind. It surpasses emotion and stems to definition, though, it certainly brings them about. Music defines me, for lack of a better term.

That is what I use to find my center. Things I absolutely adore and do so frequently that they have -- in effect -- become a part of my being. Not in a literal sense, of course. But...As sort of a soft definition.

So, reader. It's time to draw this to a close. Thank you for reading this far. Through the ups and downs, and DEFINITELY through the cheese! If you've skimmed over things, that's fine. It's your life, and I cannot force you to read every word, though I will certainly appreciate it. Likewise, this journal was made...For my life. To write things down and to bring my thoughts to a more physical form. Moving forward, just keep in mind those little things that make you happy, all you lovely people out there. The big things, too. And...Try not to let your own flaws hinder those around you. We all have our flaws. Life is a constant struggle to rectify or otherwise bury them beneath your positive aspects. Be happy, mister or missus reader. Try to impart your own happiness to others in life. That's all we want. We all want to be happy. Keep that in mind the next time somebody frustrates you. If they're impossible to deal with...Take a deep breath and move on. They're not worth your time, sadly.

Au revoir, you lovely individual. May you have a happy life, filled with the things you love!