ok i guess we should start this journal out by saying its not exactly a happy journal, unfortunately

there are things i dont exactly talk about too often for personal reasons. usually thats things pertaining to my gender, things pertaining to my mental illness. i dont speak very much of it but you can see it in my art, sometimes. sometimes more often and clearly than others

uh, maybe i could start this off with a preface? a sort of psa maybe. its something i think is important and can affect people very dearly. so ill begin. if you know someone who is transgender, especially if you are cisgender and know someone who is transgender, do not under any circumstances out them to other people without their consent. its unfortunate that this happens, and even more painful that at times, this happens due to a person feeling upset that someone they know is referring to their friend by the wrong pronouns and names. their heart is in the right place, but ultimately it is in no way their right to divulge that form of information about another person to others. there are so many reasons why a transgender person would not tell certain people that they are trans. i do not even need to go into the reasons. i do not need to. it is literally painfully obvious why people dont talk about themselves when we see every day how transgender people are still treated.

why am i being so specific about this? thats a decently good question. this shit happened to me recently, not even a few days ago. its fucking me up. its fucking me up bc the person who outed me has been a dear friend of mine since middle school, and is one of the few people i still kept in contact with after graduating from high school and moving on. its fucking me up because my friend outted me to someone they are close to, but that someone is a person that i genuinely had no intentions or ever welcoming back into my life any time soon, for my personal safety. its fucking me up because my friend outted me because they thought they were going to protect me or keep me safe, or at the very least just set things right because this other person kept referring to me by my birth name and pronouns. this person did not know i am trans. i had no intention either of ever telling them to be honest. i was not ready to have this person back in my life. i did not want this person back in my life

and now they know i am transgender, and with that came the possibility of risk of me being unwillingly outed to other people that i absolutely do not wish to be associated with for my own safety

and it is fucking me up.

its a weird limbo of torn up emotions because my friend tried to do this with the intention to help, they only wanted to help and set things right but in doing so there is still no excusing that what they did was wrong and unacceptable! they tried to help! they fucked me up!! i dotn know how to feel about this and im ripping apart!!

i have borderline personality disorder, among whatever else fucked up things that are affecting my ability to be 100% there and functioning more or less "normally". i dont want to go into what mental illnesses i have. its not necessary for you to know that private information about me, but you may know that what turmoil goes about up in my head, it fucks me up a lot

theres a lot of breached trust hanging around up in there, and now because its amplified and i have issues with things like warped perceptions and intense paranoia and delusions, for lack of a better terminology, insanity, im fucking up and becoming ever increasingly unstable and wary, and volatile

i am extremely volatile. i am an intensely involved person who needs a lot of contact from people that i can trust, and only the people that i deem i can trust. the breaking of trust from but one person here about something so important to me is enough to be fucking me up and now i am struggling daily with paranoid delusions and urges to push back as far as possible, to dig my claws into the people i know and love and trust and tear them away as brutally as possible in a fucked up mixture of terror and rage, i got multiple fucking things going on all at once and one part of me wants to destroy while the other part of me wants to protect and i am absolutely and inconsolably mortified at the possibility of me harming that which is dear enough to me

this turned out so much longer than i had anticipated or really wanted to go but honestly. needed to talk about it. i just need to get it out ok

im sorry if things happen. idek how much ill be able to keep a handle on things. i think i am going to fuck up very badly. im scared im going to end up hurting people

i dont know what i will do about this. i dont have a solution

im so sorry