Recently I have been feeling that my art isn't all that great, and I've also been feeling like my skills haven't been improving at all, even when moving to a different style like pixel art. I can do some pixel art alright, but whenever I try to do a full drawing at all it comes out like crap and even my friends say it's improved from what it used to be though I'm still a long ways off from being able to make any money off of it. I feel like I would probably draw better if I could see what I was doing (stupid tablet without a screen) and you might say, "Why don't you draw on paper?" The thing about that is I still live with my parents at the moment and I'd rather not draw this stuff on paper where it can be seen. I also hate how messy drawing on paper can be and I also really hate paper cuts. >.< I've talked about how I like to draw to my family, but they get upset when I won't show them the stuff I draw and say they never see me draw anything. So I'm thinking I should probably just give up. It hurts saying that, but it's going nowhere and it looks bad and I'm too scared to show it to my family. I go through such long periods without drawing as well and I always feel that drawing takes too long and I want a quick way to make stuff. I also feel like I've been over charging for stuff.

So I've already went ahead and closed commissions, trades, and requests. I might not ever draw anything ever again.
I don't even feel up to making youtube videos, nor music, or even books. I've got a creative mind, but I can't figure out how to express my creativity other than role playing. I frikken love role playing, but there's absolutely no way to make money off of role playing. People have told me if I like to role play I should write, but I don't want to write. I would go into acting and such, but I don't want to become a dirty celebrity. I'm too introverted to deal with a bunch of people, I like privacy.

I feel like my whole life is set up for failure and disappointment. I can't even frikken take care of myself. All I like to do is play casual games, watch youtube, role play, play with model trains, build with legos, and none of that stuff can make money without putting effort I get too stressed over putting into it because of my stupid mental disorder. I can't even do any "real" job either without having a mental breakdown and the amount of hours I feel like is too much still isn't enough to make a living off of and the only jobs I'm capable of doing don't pay enough to even survive off of. I feel like I'm just wasting space on this beautiful planet. I'm not even suicidal so I'm stuck being completely miserable and unable to survive without help.

I'm a horrible lazy person that doesn't deserve any sort of success and should just be cast aside to starve in the street while everyone passes by. I don't belong here. I can't find anyone. I'm just a stupid idiot and forced to be a slave stuck under the feet of society while it gloats over how amazing it is and everyone around just seems to be able to be successful in making a living, even the people on the street are more successful than me. People with ebola in Africa even have their stuff figured out even after they survive. Nigerians who starve and have no parents are more successful and better than I am. People suffering in wards and hospitals, they've got it made. I should just crawl under my desk and never come back out again.

While I know I have all sorts of people around me who care about me, I'm just a horrible moocher and don't deserve compassion because all I can do is be a parasite.