welp, today was the day my best friend left, not as in.. we aren't friends anymore, I mean he's just.. going away.. for 6 years.. and with no way to contact him, since where he doesn't have a phone, and where he's going doesn't allow internet access

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without him, he was basically the entirety of my social life, he was always the one inviting all out friends to get together and hang out, or inviting himself over to my house, I know people say others shouldn't invite themselves but.. he kinda had to.. I needed him to, I'm not the type to reach out and.. talk to people really.. I tend to keep to myself, I'm an introvert, but that's not to say I don't like hanging out with people, I do every now and again, I like my friends, and I care about them a lot.. in fact.. that's exactly why I'm sacred that he's leaving.. because.. without him.. I'll probably drift away from everyone else.. and I don't want that.. this.. group of people I've come to know are the first REAL friends I've every had.. or just the first friends in general even, growing up I didn't have any friends at all, I made my first friend EVER when I was 16, so.. 4 out of my almost 20 years of life I just didn't have anyone but my family, thankfully I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful family situation, my parents are great, I can consider my sister a friend of sorts, I got lucky there, but.. I dunno, there's just something different about.. getting along with people outside your direct family

I didn't always feel that way though, there was a time where I thought I didn't need friends, I thought "pfft, who needs friends, I've got video-games" but you know.. now that I have them.. I don't want us to.. drift away from each other, I mean, I know that it's bound to happen eventually, and that time is drawing ever closer now that we've graduated and don't see each other every day in school anymore, but.. I just still don't want that to happen, I want us all to find a place, together, and live together and never drift away, cause we'll see each other every day, at home, and we can all pitch in and help with the bills and chores and stuff.... but.. I do realize how very unlikely that is to.. actually happening, unfortunately, everyone has their own lives, their own aspirations, they probably won't want to stay in this small town forever, they'll want to move, all of then to different places, and they'll eventually find new friends and.. maybe we'll still chat on Skype and stuff every once in a while but.. it won't be the same, so.. I want to make the most of our time together as much as I can.. but it'll be hard without the help of him, Craig, my best friend, I didn't mention this before but.. I always longed for a best friend, I would always see those TV shows where there was always that group of friends who did EVERYTHING together, like.. it wouldn't even matter what it was, they were just.. always together, and I wanted that for so long, and I think I finally found that in Craig.. which.. makes even more painful to say goodbye, I know he'll be back after 6 years.. but that's freaking 6 years! that's a long time! and I need him! I need him to be my best friend, as well as be that social "bridge" that keeps all our other friends together as well... I mean... now that he's gone.. I'm going to have to be that "bridge" .. I'm the one who's going to have to seek them out, ask if they want to hang, keep us all connected, even if that's hard for me, because I've always been that shy, awkward kid that kept to himself mostly.. if I want us to stay together, I'm the one who's going to have to put forward an effort, because if I don't, who will? it's just going to take.. time.. I'll need to try to pop this.. bubble of mine, stop worrying about if I'm bothering them, and just.. do it.. ask them to hang out, if they're busy, not big deal right? we can just get together another time, why do I always worry that I'm going to bother people? I just.. need to be more assertive, but it's hard because I'm not the type of person who is, I guess I'll just have to try, work on it, idk how I'll do that, but I have to try, right?

I dunno, I'm just trying to put my thoughts down, I mean, that's the point of these journals anyway, right? things are going to be.. different now, I mean, granted, these last 4 years have been different, actually having friends? but now it's changing.. in a sense.. back to how things were before, unless I change myself into a somewhat social being that is, because if I don't, I'll just revert back to my old ways of being a hermit, and I don't know if I want that.. on one hand it is sort of appealing, being alone, able to focus on 100%-ing games just as I did before, without others distracting me and now I have many games that I've started but not finished.. but.. what kind of life is that? it used to be my life, and I liked it, but.. shouldn't I want to keep this.. somewhat social life I've acquired? I mean, I do honestly care a lot about each and every one of them, but.. would it be so bad to go back to the way things used to be? having no friends, just playing video-games? the idea of isolation actually somewhat appeals to me, I like being alone, dealing with other people can be a pain... but.. they are my friends.. and I care about them.. ah geez my thoughts are contradicting each other, I just don't know what to do, I'm very confused

but hey.. in other news, I turn 20 on the 11th.... yay.. I suppose my birthday presents are, my best friend leaving for 6 years, life changing on me, and just the responsibilities of growing up in general... goodie