Crossposted from FA:

I've learned a lot about myself and the world around me these past few weeks, quite a bit just from the other day aswell, thanks to someone who was kind enough to share some of my flaws with me, or at least how I've been perceived by quite a few on FA, another big part of my personal realization and growth came from a wonderful friend who wanted to cheer me up while I was depressed, even though we've rarely interacted due to my on anxieties and lack of free time.

I've learned that no matter how much I obsess saying things the right way, plenty will still see what they want out of my own words, because that's how human perception often works, no matter how straight to the point and obvious something is, you can still see a variation of it because of how your interests and experiences have shaped your way of seeing the world around you. This isn't always a good thing, but often enough it is, and it's also just part of what makes us who we are as human individuals. We've even proved this by showing multiple people a clip from an episode of the news, and interviewing the people later to have them explain exactly what they just watched, and they got a different answer from each and every person. At first I didn't believe this to be true, or at least I believed it to be exaggerated, so I just tried to be as blunt and truthful as possible in hope that the important parts would still get through without being twisted too much.

Because I've learned what I have about perception and how others will try to analyze reasons behind what people say as much as what they're actually saying, I've decided to try and approach life with a much more devil-may-care attitude. Obsessing over making sure people perceive me the correct way only makes me hurt more and be more frustrated than I have to be will people end up seeing me a different way, especially when it turns out to be in a bad way. I'll still do my best to be me and take precaution with my words so I don't say anything harmful/rude, but I'm going to stop caring so much about making people happy with me and trying so hard to make friends out of those I meet that I really want to befriend. Whenever I try to become friends with a popular artists it almost always explodes in my face because they end up believing I'm doing it for ulterior motives, whether to become popular or because they're afraid I just want free art even though I've never asked for any. On top of it, the negative reactions and assumptions made by some fans can become rather poisoning aswell.

I've also learned that the lack of confidence and other self negativities that still linger within me from past traumas often cause me to say things others might end up thinking I'm saying for pity or to guilt trip them/someone. I first realized this after my friends decided to cheer me up while I was down recently. She gave me a really precious gift to show she cared, and because of how high I viewed this level of selfless kindness, I almost told her that I didn't deserve it while thanking her. I've never been good at reacting to acts of kindness and compliments towards me, but I never realized until then just how bad I was at it. I truly believed I didn't deserve her kindness or her friendship, and it was then that I realized how wrong that was, and not only how bad that was for myself, but what that way of thinking could do to those I'm saying it to aswell. So on top of my new devil-may-care approach, I'm going to be focusing on improving my self worth and confidence. The last thing I want from anyone is pity or guilt.

[u][b]I don't want to be popular, nor do I say things just because I want attention.[/b][/u] I've learned that some view my actions this way, so I figured I'd clarify it it here and now that they're farthest from the truth. I've seen enough on FA and DA and real life to know that I never want to be popular, the kind of attention it brings is something that I just can't handle, it tends to bring out the worst in others, not just the fans, but the one who's popular aswell. Sure it tends to bring quite a bit of profits for artists on here, but it's not worth everything else, some artists get lucky and not much of this ends up happening to them, but I'd rather not take the risk, especially when it's not something I care about in the first place. The only reason I've ever tried to interact with popular artists is because I saw them as awesome people I'd love having as a friend. All I want out of my art is to share it with the world and express my own creativity. I used to be happy enough just drawing for myself, but after experiencing what happens when you share it with others, I've learned to love not keeping it to myself, there's only so much you can get from it on your own, and sharing it with others can cause show much joy and growth in an artist. And as far as the attention seeking thing goes, I only ever share negative things publicly, like in journals, because it helps with my healing process and also helps me connect with others that share my pains, knowing you're not alone can both you and the other person heal better and faster than without eachother. Before I had anyone who understood what I went through in San Fransisco, I regressed so much because of how little everyone around me understood what I was going through, I became so negative that it began hurt my relationship and friendships because of how it felt like none of them cared, but once I met others that understood what I was going through, my whole world got brighter and filled with hope again. I've stated before in journals that no one is obligated to read my journals, let alone respond t them or care about them, which is why I always put a warning of some kind in the titles saying "vent" or "ignore", and often saying somewhere in the journals that I didn't want attention for it and that comments would be ignored or hidden.

[b]TL;DR:[/b] I don't want attention, I don't want to be popular, I'm going to stop thinking so little of myself so people stop pitying me and feeling guity because of me, and I'm going to stop caring so much about how others view my words and actions.