Ugh I really hate how there are people in my life/were in my life that still have such an affect on me even now.

like there are 2 people I know that can make me feel like I want to Vomit because Im so disoriented and panicky. only two people that I wish I NEVER had met, that way they could never had made such a toxic web in my life.

its like being bitten by a spider that you fear is toxic, and it turning out that it is and its venom is slow acting killing you with such creeping slowness that you don't notice it until the shaking begins and your stomach twists into knots, your heart skips beat after beat for minutes and you feel yourself losing control of your body systems.

Its like you don't ever notice it until its too late.

sigh I really wish that could write a letter to my past self and warn them to not get involved with these people because they will kill you, not in a literal meaning but in such a profound mental way that you can't stop the loss of control. Tell myself if you make the choice to let them into your life you are being stupid and gearing up to get hurt and betrayed. that you are only setting yourself up to fail and to become even more negative than you are now.

runs hands through my hair Its like jesus fucking christ can my past for once NOT show up again?