I wanted to write this journal to get this message out to anyone interested in reading it. May it be friends both new and old or anything who happens to be bored and wants to read the rambles of a madman.

I'm depressed. I suffer from depression, and I know it's a problem. It's a problem because it interferes with who I am, what I do, being and talking around others. And that's no good.

I don't want to come off as a basket case or anything, and I'm not asking for sympathy or anything like that. I just want to express how I feel towards certain things so in case anyone questions why I'm acting a certain way, they'll be able to keep it in mind.

I'm depressed for a multitude of reasons, I have problems with letting go of the past and dealing with uncertainty about the future. I continue to see a future for myself with little positive outcome. I have no goals in life, little aspirations, no drive to make me better at something.

I don't want to get old and unfulfilled, become a wage salve or something similar. I'm not ready to die and I don't sit here with a gun to my head, I just don't know what to do to make myself happy.

Why am I like this? I see too much of the world fail at things that take no thought to understand. I see people suffer for no reason, people driven by madness or selfish desires. No respect for anyone else. I've come to accept that these are just how things are and this is just how things go. I've come to accept that some people must sell themselves out to get more out of life, and do things they never thought they had to do.

I'm just not willing to do these things. I'm not looking at the world in angst, like it's my way or the highway. I just don't care about much.

I've had to watch my dad not go after his dreams because he's been too afraid to and trying to help him leads nowhere. I've had to watch him hang his head in shame in cry because other people took advantage of his good nature. I was the last person in my family to see my sister alive, and no matter what I can't live down how I told her I'd see her later instead of goodbye. I've had to watch as friends told me they'd be there and be gone the next.

Relationships with people who I still love, ended because I'm not well. Having to see those people try and move on through with life thinking no one loves them. Watching friends fail at things they've worked harder than ever for, friends caught between the affairs of others and get fucked by it. Just watching people get fucked over by the world because someone else did something differently.

I'm not trying to make myself sound righteous or anything because I think about other people. It's just how I am, but clearly it's not good to do that because it's just one giant guilt trip that'll wind up killing me.

I have so many conflicting emotions, memories of things I could of changed, I hold on to the past which while unhealthy, is so hard to let go.

Lately it's turned into anxiety, suddenly feeling like shit, can barely breathe or think. I had gon to a furcon last week and left early as I just felt so out of place and nervous being there.

I'm just getting so worn out from basic things at this point that nothing is as much fun anymore.

I just want out. If there is one that allows me to stick around in this world then I'll do what I can to go for it. But in the mean time, don't worry if I stop talking, or if I start crying. It comes and goes and I'll quickly get back on my feet, even if it's for a short time.

And don't think I'm not here for you either, I'm here for anyone no matter what. You can ask some people who've tried to talk to me, I deflect away from my problems pretty easily.

Thank you.

--Rowdy