I am now 25 yrs old since the 14th

Lately, just these last two weeks alone were hard enough to break me down and I didn't expect it be this severe. I had my life come down to dust before me, friends hurting, my family in dismay and my heart broken so hard I literally was in tears for 3 days...

I want to leave this place so bad. I wanted to go visit a person I cared so much about on my day, but to just have it all kept silent from me after talking to him...

I understand he looked up to me so much that he just couldn't see me as a lover and its understandable. But to say wait a week and then magically have a mate so fast??? One thing is holding back so you don't harm a friend whom you care for. And quite another is to lie to his heart and then waiting for him to find out what you did by himself. You may have believed me strong but I am only as strong as those who trust me and it was still a lie.

I do not hate you but it was like a cold blade to the heart. He is my best friend and I want him to be happy with his new mate and to be honest I cannot be happier for them. The only problem is it took so long to get the truth out that my heart has become damaged. It is a truly grievous wound and the cause is still felt.

A truly dear set of friends sought me out from my pain and even one spoke to him to see what was going on. In addition his new mate supported me emotionally as I broke down and I have to say... to know that much and be able to step in like that is an act of true Compassion. Only a king would do such a thing. Thank you.

To my friends,
You are all very valuable to me and to see some of you, even the ones who barely speak to me just go out and go so far to aid me. You know who you are and I am beyond thankful. Sad to say, the panic attacks still come and go. Sometimes I cry but your help has truly aided me especially from one who always was close to my heart and I cannot believe I never heard him out. I would gladly be his if he wished but for now I need to recover and heal as he says and I'm very proud to know him.

My day is on the horizon. . .
I just wish it could be a day I could do anything I wanted on this earth under God's very eyes and it be a grand feast with all of you there. All of you enjoying your time and just being grateful to one another.

Now that I think about it as I type this journal . . .
If I had chosen him first all that time back then, I would have never met the one that did this to me and his new mate. The more this thought goes in my mind the more I feel that I have no regrets on what happened between the 3 of us. Instead of losing a lover and truly dear friend I gained two dear friends that still care for me and I have them as some of the best friends I could not help to love in return and It would be shameful to just shun it all away.

In the end, I always remain like Shu from SRW, though sad is his tale.
Always one willing to protect others at the cost of his own heart and always venerable.
The Dark Prison is always a sad place to be and I must let myself shine again. How I used to be. I will try my best to heal and I pray this coming day will be a new beginning for me. My friends I know this is selfish of me to ask but I digress, especially to you my dear friend. Be by my side as I heal and let us see if I can finally use what strength you give me to turn this darkness into an ichor to burn as bright as the Sun.

My dear friends, I pray you carry that ember in your hearts as I know quite a bit of you are dealing with your own trials, tribulations and ordeals.

Let that ember we all carry join and burn bright and warm our hearts,

Count Vilanova