I don't often post personal stuff on these sites because I don't know I guess it's because I am a very shy person and don't like to come off as ranty or depressed. The truth is I've been struggling with depression a lot lately. Deep, dark thoughts have come and gone. What is the cause? I guess there's a lot. I keep thinking about the future a lot so there's a fixation there. I feel like quite a few of my friends that I used to talk to have drifted away (if you have talked to me recently it's not you) but there are a lot of people whom I remember hanging out with at least on a monthly basis that I haven't seen in months or as time goes on years. That's depressing and it brings up the question of why I am still in the fandom where so many of my friends seemed to have moved on with their lives. Another part is I don't attend conventions or go to gatherings like I used to. Some of that comes down to money, some of it comes down to just not connecting with people wearing animal ears and tails and making murr purr noises in public. Frankly I don't get it, each to their own but to me I look around and see those staring faces.

An example of this was a friend whom I hadn't seen in months whom I won't name by name but they were concerned about a new fursuit they were getting and nervous about a convention coming up. I laughed at them. Why? Because I've had friends go through a lot of stuff, I've had to deal with death twice this year, suicide, the real family of the victim of that death, my own family issues, oil furance repairs, car repairs, and so much more real life stuff that worrying about a fursuit seems almost quaint and down right silly in comparison. It's not to say my life is harder than any one else, sure there are those whose life is much much worse but it's the focus point. If your biggest worry is that your 360 blew up or that new fursuit doesn't quite fit, I just don't know how to relate to that because I am dealing with things more well real like mortgages, my own health issues, my dogs health issues, helping out room mates, home improvement stuff, bills, career, so on.

I just miss seeing people and talking about stuff. I miss talking to people too. I am on twitter and you don't so much talk on there as you annouce what you are doing presently. I picture it working like someone with a microphone shouting: "Here's what I had for lunch!" Only everyone has the microphone, it's all shouting and announcing. Not really built for conversation and certainly not a medium where you can express yourself without looking like an idiot or worse.

So yeah it's been hard for me. As a result my motivation to work on art and what not has suffered. Last thing I did was 100 sketch challenge and that was fun but now I find myself stuggling to color and or do more with my art. The need sometimes pops up but I quickly loose motivation. I remember being excited about things but now those things I am excited for usually end up being solo projects that are fun but reminders that I am alone doing things alone and that's depressing.