im having problems so probably a bunch or all of this is bullshit i say because i feel upset but

when i first came to the furry community i made a few friends
and then they got v popular and never spoke to me again
and then i make other friends and they forget about me too but then they have a festival over each others' accomplishments or they talk about whats wrong etc etc etc
but im never included in these things and i just really dont understand
nothing happens when i dont make an effort, nothing happens when I do make an effort, so why even try?
This has happened with all art communities ive been in
so why dont i just disappear for the internet
seems like there wouldn't be a difference who cares
i have noo frieeendssss

there are only two people i feel like are really friends to any good degree
nobody else talks to me or im just not v close with them or they just aren't the type of people i want to be good friends with
And none of my friends at ALL are in the same circles so they all go off to their little groups and im stuck sitting here alone wondering what it would be like to have a group of friends
its just so tiring
no friends, no boys, no skills, no grades, no life
even my bipolar still isn't under control.

I just started a higher dose of my meds for bipolar
ive been more stable (until now) but ive been lethargic and my body feels like theres a weight on every single part
it's an effort even to write
It is literally hard to grip and move my pencil, i have to think about doing it
So this is probably from the meds. So. I get to choose:
\1. Stable mood
or 2. not feeling like your body is going to fall over at any second
And at the rate it's going i just might get both problems!

i took senior pictures today
i hate taking pictures
i look as fugly as a piece of shit smeared over someones ugly face
i hate my face so much
I hate it sooooooooooooooooooooo so much. I wanna rip it off and burn it. id look better with a gigantic scar across it. i just look disgusting. i hate it. i hate it so much that taking pictures of it makes me want to cry. i dont even want to look at my senior pictures because they make me feel so awful about how i look. i want to burn them. i hate my face so much.
Im fine with my hair and my body, its just my face. which is just great. cuz. yknow. faces are generally what people look at first. and mostly.

at least ive learned to read 8 pages of history textbook in an hour
that's a good thing

but i feel shtity about my art again
im gonna force myself to keep going anyway but ijust
ughhhhhhhhhh

im depressed again i guess