HEY GANG!!!! 8D

I just woke up after sleeping almost 12 hours lol. That's rest following being awake for 30+ hours, in order to make our drive back from Maine (with stops and sleeping in shifts it's about 22 hours). I MISS MAINE SO MUCH, you guys have no clue!

That state of Maine means so much more to me now. My family and friends, the views, the weather, everything about the state was so perfect this past week! Spending 5 days with them felt so short, but was the best possible vacation and emotional grounding I've ever had. I saw family I haven't seen in 10+ years, I met new family members and had a ball! We all needed it though. This year has been hell on all of us.

It all started in the winter when my grandfather (dad's side) passed away he was the last surviving grand parent I had, and I didn't maintain the best relationship with him, and over some really ignorant reasons I realize now. Then an uncle I was incredibly close to before moving to Kentucky, then another uncle, That's when I pushed my plans ahead so I could be with them as soon as possible, then last friday my aunt, whom was the heartbeat of my mother's side of the family, passed. We've been torn apart by all this, and my way of reacting to it was to slip into one of the gnarliest most self-hating depressions I've had in my life.
Now, if I weren't such an emotional clam, I would have reached out to my family and friends I had around me, but I didn't. I forgot how to it seems. My poor fiance has dealt with me being such an emotional drain/black hole... god, I'm lucky to have someone that puts up with my shit. SERIOUSLY... AND STAYED! I was too busy trying to be "strong" and not share what was going on in my head I coiled up and soaked in the shit broth of depression and didn't even try to climb out.

But through all that, my family pulled together and had the biggest family bash we've had since I was 13. We celebrated who they were, what they loved and whom they held close. I got to see almost every family member in my Mom's immediate family, my lord. It was amazing! When you consider my mom had 10 siblings, now 8 surviving, and the 2 other large families related to my grandparents, THAT SHIT IS RARE! We're never in the same place, heck three parts of the family live far away, out of state (myself included), ugh... you guys haha. IT WAS HUGE! We all needed it. Since my Mom's parents passing back in 2000, we haven't had that many people in one place at the same time!

I got to spend time with almost every part of my family one on one. I fixed some bad vibes I had created, formed relationships with parts of the fam I wasn't close to and really soaked up ever ounce of time I could with them. I love my family, and I'm lucky to have a good relationships with all of them, there's just so many haha. I have 12 cousins and now many of them have kids too. We're one of those massive Irish families haha!

I'm so glad Dissy got to really see what made me, me. Got to meet all the people that mean the world to me, to hang out and get to know them and really be a part of our weird wacky big family. And know what? My family LOOOOVES the hell out of her, hahaha. She fits in like a glove! My aunt Rosie thinks "She's a hot shit! I love her!!" hahaha!

The majority of our time was spent with my immediate family with doses of extended family being with us. We were at my mom and dads, just relaxing and talking about everything. I feel like being in Kentucky, being away, I had lost touch with not only them, but myself. This trip fixed that. My parents have a tablet with skype to talk to me and my sister now. I told them they need to stop being afraid of interrupting when they want to call. Yeah we have our own shit going on down here, but I want to talk to them when ever they need me, not at my leisure.

On the drive back I realized I'm really not that far away.... 1,187 miles. 18 hours. But you know what? That's just space. My problem was that I was looking at the distance, the space between me and them and seeing it as an unsurpassed gap that no words or emotions could cross properly. I disconnected from the people that have meant the most to me in my development as an adult or person... When I realized this I was so appalled by my own behavior, the sulking and self-hate, it was just so bad.

Never again guys. I know my relationship with my family is much healthier then some. I feel lucky for that, but I can't stress enough to everyone that even if its hard to, communicating with the roots, the matriarchs, the foundations of WHO you are, is vital to knowing who you are and why you are that person. Not only had I lost touch with who I was, but I forgot who I was to them. Little Eb, the ginger kid that was curious of everything. That just wanted to have fun, to make people laugh and smile.
I'm just glad I could do that for my family, one sunny afternoon in Maine. The 5 days I had there were the best I've had in quite a while and really quelled the negative things I've been thinking/feeling for a long time. I'm feeling great knowing I've come back into contact with being that. And having done that for my family.

TL;DR

Maine was wonderful... wait fuck was... MAINE IS WONDERFUL!
I feel like I found myself again. My family is doing great. I'm glad I got to see them and I hope to do so again soon!

I hope you all had a great week! Today I've got laundry to do with the boo but I plan on finishing off the art I've promised folks!

SNAP!