Things have been really rough financially (like everyone else on this planet). I'll be moving out of this apartment within a month due to us not being able to pay rent. I've been boosting my resume out to places the past few weeks to studios, trying to get in. Pretty sure none of that is going to happen. It's just how things are with me. Friend who was supposed to recommend me to her studio is MIA online, and I don't want to text her because I think that she's in a heavy production right now. It's been over four months since the recommendation thing happened, despite the job including training for the program as no one had expectations to know it. I went to a networking thing which didn't give much. I met a producer and a guy who was looking for VFX workers for his new production studio, but heard nothing so far. I dunno. Maybe retail is where I'm meant to be? I hate it really. I really do.

B/f basically broke down last night and apologized for all this. Won't go into much detail about that because it was pretty emotional and whatnot. I'm pushing for him to get his website and stuff updated as much as possible right now. He did a good job on that today. It's almost done. His parents said we will have a place to stay if we move back to MI. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I don't think I can handle going back to depending on everyone to get me to and from work, to go to the store, to lose whatever independence I have now, to be the fucking parent to my siblings all over again. It'd just be me working in goddamn retail earning next to nothing just to pay the stupid student loan, and that's it. No, it cannot be deferred, yes it's consolidated.

I've been trying to learn new programs the past couple of months. It's not easy to do on your own, especially when there's little documentation on the new tools etc. I'm just trying to push myself so hard, which is why my streams and artwork posting has been almost nonexistent. I try to get these things right and show people I'm capable of doing it. I just don't get much of anything back. It's always 'well when you fully learn the program we'll hire you!', which can take months to learn on your own, or they expect 2-5 years experience. Or others have recommended me for jobs but all they want is free office help.
I'm not doing free office help anymore. I'm tired of doing free with nothing in return. Or I'll get stupid jobs like 'omg fix my files for me for 20 bucks', and it's a one time thing. Just done with it. I just want to get back into the fucking production stuff. That's all I want. I want to be able to fucking live for once. I don't even know what that's like. All I do is work. Work. work. work. work. work. I sacrifice my days off for others so they can fucking live. I want to do that for once.

So yea. sorry this is long. I'm sorry if this just another one of those 'i'm broke and gonna lose my home' journals - they exhaust me too. Signal boosting / donations or whatever seriously wouldn't help right now - it's nice but it wouldn't do anything. Rent is expensive. I don't know if I just didn't try hard enough. I don't know if I just don't have the talent or whatever. I don't know if this is even worth it now. It's just a fucking mess and I needed to let it out, the b/f probably can't handle me sharing this with him right now. He's not in the best of states either. So yea. Sorry.