[warning: harsh language, and just general shittery]

I'm writing here because I trust the people who watch me to not make a fuss over me venting my thoughts and feelings. I don't really have anywhere else to go and I don't feel comfortable just...throwing this randomly out to a friend on skype right now. Right now I just need to type and get things off of my mind. I really, really, really hate to make this a public post but I don't really have a choice since just...ugh. No names, obviously. No one will know who this is about. So I guess there's that? It isn't my intention to start fights but...I just need to get this out somewhere before I explode. I'm not normally like this. It's just that the past few months have been wearing on me physically and mentally and I just don't know what to do.

Completely frustrated, so pardon my language. I feel defeated, angry, and just...done, I guess? Whenever I start to make friends, I'm taken advantage of. It seems that lately, whenever I give people second (and even third) fucking chances, they just keep me (and others!) around as it suits them. Keeping people around who are of use. And the second that you call them out for doing something fucking stupid, or being a shit person, or doing something unfair, being hypocritical, etc. etc., even in the nicest way you can possibly say something about it, you're dumped on the corner. You're no longer of use. You noticed that they're a terrible, shit person. So why are they going to keep you around? They're just going to move onto other people who don't realize how much of a manipulative, controlling ass they can be. And they're going to use them. And use them. And eventually either that person is going to act just like them, or they're going to realize what's going on and get out of it.

One of the people I considered a "friend" has been doing this shit and I am just so fucking done. If you want to get pissy with me because I have several medical issues as well as a life that needs to be taken care of outside of the internet, that's your own fucking problem. I'm not going to sit around and pander to you whenever you're a fucking GROWN ASS ADULT who needs to start fucking acting like one. I am not your fucking parent. It is not up to me to correct your wrongs. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not going to go around and apologize to everyone who you've been a goddamned shit head to for no fucking reason, or for "reasons" that are completely bullshit. It isn't my job and it shouldn't be my problem in the first place. While I don't mind helping people out, I refuse to clean up messes anymore.

So I disappear for a while. Talk to only a few people that I can open up to. Talking only really to the people who will talk to me. Annnnd where does that get me? Shit-talked and ignored. Like, I'm sorry my anxiety and depression eats me up so badly that I can't force myself to talk to people who are emotionally terrible for me. Sorry I don't have the patience for that anymore. I refuse to be walked on. I keep kicking myself for giving some of these people another chance. I should have walked away the second time they chose to ignore me. But I didn't, because I guess I was so fucking desperate for friends that I didn't care. I've been bullied all of my life up until I graduated high school -- and I thought these people would be a safe place. But it isn't anymore. Everywhere I go I'm belittled. Me being six months younger than you does not entitle you to be a complete asshole and claim your age makes you more "mature" -- it doesn't work that way.

I want so badly to have friends where none of them bully me, misgender me (purposely, to upset me), or treat me like shit. But I guess I'm so unlucky and such a shit person that I "deserve" to be bullied by the people who I thought gave a fuck?

Don't get me wrong. Things were fucking brilliant in the beginning. They always are. But it slowly devolves into them bringing drama and shit into the mix and bitching whenever shit gets nasty. Saying that they're not the ones starting shit. Saying that they haven't done anything to deserve it...whenever they're the ones spreading the hatred and lies and teasing in the first place? Like...venting is one thing? But going out of your way to piss someone off intentionally? That's just...unnecessary and goddamned idiotic. Then complaining about it whenever they realize what you're doing and are upset at you? WOW, SURPRISE, DIDN'T KNOW THAT COULD HAPPEN

And whenever I try to fix things? Oh, nothing happens. They talk to me for all of five minutes and say they aren't mad but then they don't talk to me? I ask what's wrong, what I did, if there's anything I can do about it and I don't get an answer. I wind up asking people who are mutual friends and they can't even give me an answer. How am I supposed to do anything if I don't know what I did in the first place? I'd love closure but at this point I don't think I'm going to get it. Telling me you aren't angry and then turning around and being a bitch to me for no goddamned reason what so ever doesn't suggest you're not holding a grudge over something that was a mistake.

I feel like I'm just...at the end of my rope. I can't do anything about this. I know I can't. I want to get people away from this person so that they don't wind up going through what I've went through twice with this person. But I can't. Because if I say anything, anything at all regarding them, I'm ignored or brushed aside, or told it's "nothing".

This person made me withdraw to the point where I had no other friends that I could talk to. My only friends were allowed to be them, and one mutual "friend". Anyone else I talked to online was shit-talked to, and shit-talked about. My only friends were this person, and an offline friend (who I am still close with). God forbid I talk to anyone else. That would get me manipulated into thinking that everyone was out to get me and that the person I talked to outside of that "friend" was a terrible person who was looking for things to talk about about me. That they were "mean".

I used to have many online friends who I would talk to on a normal basis. After I somehow, somewhat crawled out of the shell that this person forced me into, I rekindled a couple of those relationships. I got the bright idea, "yeah, let's put all of my friends in a chat!" and...it turned out just about how you would expect it to. "Friend" was an asshole, Actual Friends called them out, "Friend" got pissed off, bitched to me about it, said they were terrible people who should "go away forever" etc. etc. and whenever I got the mind to say, "Hey, they're actually right about this", "friend" flipped the fuck out and told me that they wished I would do the things I wanted/want to do (and...they weren't good things?). I dropped them at that point. I was done. I went with my other, actual, nice friends who gave a shit about me and I did some growing up.

But for some reason I decided to go back to this person? I though, hey, we're both older now, it was probably just a weird thing that they've figured out by now.

Not the case at all, apparently. Started out fine for the first month or so. Got along great with everyone. But lo and behold someone else in the group has a problem -- so that friend decides to cut them out because they're complaining? About a legitimate issue???? And another friend is added into the group. And suddenly, everything bad that happens is their fault even though it isn't? And they become the blame napkin. When in reality: they just had the mind to call that "friend" out on their bullshit? And now I breathed wrong apparently. I don't know what the fuck I did.

At this point, I've pretty much cut this person out of my life and refuse to talk to them at this point in time. I feel slightly less anxious, but that head space is being taken up by "oh no, what if they're talking shit about me behind my back to my friends". Because it's happened before and I wouldn't be surprised if it's happening again. Not that I want to deal with it...but...yeah. I'm done. I don't know what else to do.

I just feel like completely dropping this person is going to make other people who I actually want to be friends with (who are under this person's influence) drop me, too. And...you might say that that's a good thing, but...I don't want them to go through the same things I did. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The things that this person told me to do, the things that this person said -- it isn't easily forgotten. I'll tell you that.

For those of you who aren't aware: I have major anxiety and depression issues. I have a therapist but shitty weather combined with work and illnesses haven't given me the chance to talk with them in well over a month, and I am unable to do a phone session because of an anxiety with phones (...yeah, I know, that's dumb :I). This causes me to be a shaking mess whenever I get the least bit upset. It...actually takes certain things to upset me badly? But that isn't the point. Fuck I don't know anymore. I feel like being online is no longer fun, because people like this person have ruined it for me and basically I've almost given up making new friends. I know that isn't healthy -- god do I know -- but I can't help but be...I can't fucking think of the word...I can't help but give up because of how this person has made me feel multiple times, purposely, and because of how I've been generally treated in the past by schoolmates because of my issues (which are more than "just" anxiety and depression, but you guys don't need to or want to hear my whole background with that can of shit).

I'm sorry if this seems disorganized or if I misspelled or typo'd or used a wrong word or if it's confusing.

God, I'm so sorry for venting to all of you. I know my issues shouldn't be yours, but...sometimes I just need to talk, I guess? And this is something that's been bothering me for so long I couldn't hold it in anymore. Upsetting anyone isn't my intention but damn it feels nice to just...let it out.

Jesus I feel so much better just writing this.