Not like anyone cares . I am just too old now and really run down. I am very depressed and might do something stupid so some people have me on watch. I just don't like how things have changed lately and it is frustration that prevents me from making things and the fact my condition gets worse each day so I do not know how much longer I can make 3d stuff too. I've done so much yet it feels like I've accomplished absolutely fucking nothing with my life except work work work, help people, cheer people up and befriend them only to be walked on, stabbed and so forth . I Also hate being in the middle of big ass drama feuds and have to keep my mouth shut and paint a pretty smile on for everyone. I just cannot do that shit anymore.

I was going to render some orca & bottlenose models but I just feel dead each time i do it. they just seem lifeless boring and drab. What has also gotten me down is my current job. It is essentially everything i mentioned meshed all into one ball of crap. Working for a staffing agency to find people jobs is a pain in the fucking ass. It gets really hard to let people down too when they get all high hope about a certain job but because they do not fit the employers criteria I have to shatter their hopes of it because they didn't graduate, they don't have a degree or they never bothered to get themselves certified or have no work experience. Doing that is hard to somebody and it does effect me allot. Sure we have a work counselors to go to if we get like this but to be honest it doesn't help because it sticks to the back of your mind and never fucking leaves.

So why am i writing this then, Well to let people know these past few weeks I just been super down, crappy, shitty you name it and just I don't know what to do anymore, There was a time I used to get onto places and talk to people, have a good time and not have to worry about all that crap. Now if i try that some jackassed dumb bad apple has to spoil things and it just erks the crap out of me and that isn't helping it just adds to it. I wish people online would grow the fuck up and have some balls for once in their life.

Maybe I should just take Kage's advice and just drink my problems away and just go out like that. I'll admit i am happy when drunk maybe that is the only way i can die with a nice smile on my face. But however it happens I'd rather not know about it or have any worries about it cause that is something that scares the crap out of me and with my age though I don't look like it it lurks around stalking me from time to time.

Anyway just me and my ramblings. My birthdays typically suck anyway and this just helps get's things off my chest. I didn't get anything for christmas and I don't expect anything for my birthday so that is just how my life is. I just have to deal with it since it is my own problem.