Relationship advice? by MintChip

So recently, most of you probably aren't aware but me and my fiance are in a bit of a... split or separation. Now I'll shed a little light on the subject and explain it in a bit more depth so the situation will be easier for everyone to follow and if you have any advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm really.. at a loss with all of this.

So me and my fiance.. ex-fiance, whatever he is now (his name is William) have been in a bit of a spout of just simply not seeing one another. Honestly, it's been like this for months, and maybe almost a year to 2. But I thought we were fine, I mean we could have gone with seeing one another more often (give we live literally 10 minutes away from each other) but I was usually busy with commissions and he usually busy with work and school. (He's doing welding.)

So it came as no surprise that our time together was just.. limited. But it's not really an excuse for us to not make time for one another during the week/weekend more than once a month. I mean, ten minutes. Literally away from one another. Yet neither I, nor he would travel. I guess because we didn't want to inconvience one another. So I thought we were fine, he never said anything. Whatever. So one day, (about a week/week and a half ago) he drops this bomb on me. "I don't love you anymore", now this is shocking because come May 5th, it would have been 5 years. 5 years, nearly, of commitment and he text me (doesn't call, doesn't say it to my face. He texts and says) "I don't love you anymore." and a whole bunch of other stuff. Which.. caught me very off guard and has left me.. baffled ever since. Same with my family and best friend, they're all like "What the heck?" But on the same day no less, he texts back and says "I didn't mean it, forgive me. I love you." And a bunch of other things.. which further confuses me. As of.. 5 days (I think) ago his phone ran out of minutes. (he has prepaid like mine, but it costs like 10 per month for a texting bundle, and he's gotten his paycheck.. 2-3 days ago) and he hasn't fixed his phone. So I've been trying to message him on Xbox live, but.. he hasn't answered me in 2 days, or longer. I just..

I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I love him, I believe I do. But right now, all I feel when I think about him is frustration and hurt. I feel worried, and confused and just.. upset when I think of him. And I mean.. the worst part about all of this is - he hasn't told me one way or another. If he wants to work this out, I'm all for it, let's do it. But, if he wants to end it completely.. I don't want it, but.. let's do it. I want a decision, an answer, something to go on. I want something definite, something sure. But.. all I've gotten is silence for the most part.

What should I do? My mom says to pray, my best friend says to as well - and tells me I should go see him. I'm a little afraid to, I suppose, afraid to find out what will happen. I don't want to say or do something I'll regret though I feel like I have for so long. I have.. neglected him, mostly in my time and attention. But he's stopped doing some things, same as me, that hasn't been helping the situation.

Anyway.. any help, suggestions or otherwise is appreciated.

EDIT: Let me clarify a little, I seemed to have neglected that a little in all of this (It was late when I posted this. A tired and upset Mint doesn't tend to type super well.)

So William, on the day that all of the texts and what not happened, DID in fact come over and talk to me. But he didn't say much. He tried to explain himself, but it seemed like he wasn't even entirely sure of what he was saying or what he meant. I on the other hand was a wreck, having just been way-laid by the news first thing in the morning. Alright? So I was holding myself together, not saying anything about all of the situation (for hours, so I could speak in person and try and make sense of what seemed like a sudden attack) - my best friend (and roomie) had no idea anything was wrong until I told her I needed time alone to speak with William. She began to worry then, and she had a suspicion then. My mom (who lives right next door, we are renting from her currently) had seen me that morning (because I went to take a shower to clear my head and think in peace, and cry a bit. Mostly to let it out. Built up emotions do hurt) - I admit I didn't find much clarify between what little talking he attempted and my own questions, and words. We talked.. well sat there with one another for an hour nearly after he got off work. He left after that and went back home (he lives with his grandparents, mostly because they need him and beg him to stay) and left with his family to go to Cracker Barrel 3 hours away, while I stayed at home. Heart-broken, shocked, and just confused. But the longer I thought about it, the easier it was becoming to take. The entire day I spent time enjoying quality time with my family (my two younger brothers [one 16 and one 11] and my mother on Xbox. we played minecraft for.. hours. I was feeling better, and in one day.. that wouldn't seem normal. But, don't think me insensitive or just.. heartless, I was at peace with my father's passing (5 years ago) within a week. It seems crazy, but I have a strong sense of belief and understanding to let some situations (ones I can't control) rest. So come 10 pm that night, I was feeling better. "Maybe we need some time to think. Or maybe we were right for one another." and I was okay with that. At 10:35 pm he sends me a text saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me. I don't want to lose you." - I sat there.. for almost half an hour.. unsure what to say because now everything hurt all over (as it had earlier that day). (Which harshly reminded me, I'm still sensative, and still hurting even if I try to relax and calm myself.)

So I said via text that night "I want to forgive you. But we need to talk soon. In person." to which he replies. "Okay."

A day or two pass and although I sent him a text or two, a part from a "I'm doing alright." he responds no further. I again press, texting "We need to talk." He says "About what" I persist. "About us, and our relationship." He says "Okay. Saying we will later after he takes a nap." Though when he wakes up, it's like 9:30 or 10-ish and I was running errands to walmart. So we ended up not talking.

Another day or two pass and I try to text him again. Another reminder that we need to speak, in person. To find his phone ran out of minutes. So I turn to Xbox live, because we both have it. (I have it because of him) And I message him there, asking what happened, if he ran out of minutes and was okay. And persisted again to say, "We need to talk". He responded, saying that he was fine, that the phone ran out and we would soon." To which I said nothing more, as of today, he hasn't replied back/spoken to me in 24 to 36 hours and has ignored my message.

So.. I'm left trying to figure out what to do from here. I don't want to go banging on his door, but I need to talk to him. I'm tired of being in limbo with all of this.

EDIT 2: (Regardless of being called a coward by a few ;P) I (still) appreciate you and your advice. All of it, I need what you guys are giving me. I realize.. something's got to give. But what do I do when he acts like he doesn't want to see me at all? Not even to talk? I sent him another message to let him know I needed to speak with him. But he hasn't responded. And he is online. He's home, I checked (went to walmart and did a little drive by just to see. I know I must seem lame or desperate..) but I want all of this to reach a solution. Whether that solution is he and I working it out or he and I going our separate ways.

Relationship advice?

MintChip

20 January 2014 at 00:45:14 MST

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  • Link

    Something I have learned from my previous relationship: People make time for things that are important to them. It doesn't have to be a lot of time, but you will find those precious minutes in your day for something that you feel is a priority. It doesn't sound like either of you felt that seeing each other was something that was of particular importance, seeing as you were only 10 minutes away. Relationships shouldn't be hard, but you definitely have to work at them and put in effort, especially in the communication aspect.

    I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend had a job where he was busy a SIGNIFICANT amount of time, and I had a job and I was busy, but it was very clear (in hindsight) when our relationship stopped being a priority to him, because whereas he had time before, he very suddenly did not. You shouldn't ever stop doing the small things that breathe life into your relationship, whether it's been a week or 10 years, because it's unlikely to last/be meaningful if you don't.

    I'm very sorry to hear this is happening to you though, I hope you get it resolved!

    • Link

      I edited this too much and accidentally left out part of what I meant to say: You need to talk to him in person, plain and simple. This isn't a conversation you guys should be having over xbox live or text, even if you feel like you might get upset.

      • Link

        Thank you for your comment;

        I have an a (bit of a lengthy) edit to my original journal to expound a little more on some of the issue, mostly concerning the texting/messaging. I do want to see him, speak to him in person. I want to get this resolved, and either work on fixing what was once a great relationship, or move on with my life. He just, won't reply or try to contact me what so we can see each other. I don't really know what to do when he seems to be avoiding me.

  • Link

    Relationships take some neuturing, if you don't put the time in they can wither and die. Things can be rekindled but you've got to put in the time.

    Make time for things which are important to you.
    If this is important enough, try harder.

    An example of me and my partner is this:
    we lived an hour away from each other and had college but we stil made time for each other.
    And then my partner moved to be an hour and a half away from me and my educational commitments at uni meant I had to travel 6 hours a day to do my course, plus coursework and exams. It took me 7 and a half hours to travel to him on days I'd been at uni. But I still made time for him, even if it was every other weekend, even if I had to lose sleep and do work late into the night so I could free up some time to see him, I did it and it kept us strong.

    Now if you're living 10 mins away that's a privalidge and a really cool thing, all I can say is try and find some time.
    What's the inconvinence of 10 mins as opposed to spending time together and being happy?
    He's not a million miles away maybe just go to his house? Try to talk?

    If you have compassion you don't have to let it die so easily. I takes two to maintain a relationship though. Praying will not help you in this case but going out and doing something may help. I wouldn't say you should hang on it so hard because you hadn't been worrying too much before. It's all about communication.

    You need to see him face to face, texting and xbox messaging is quite the cowards way out. Have him say to you for sure what he means properly.

    • Link

      Thank you for this;

      It is quite silly that I'd let my priorities get so out of whack, seems I've done this with more than just my relationship. 10 minutes isn't far, I could easily do it once a day, if I knew his schedule (which he never tells me for some reason). I'd like to rekindle what was there. But I don't know if there's still a spark to even go on. I may have neglected this relationship to far, there is a point where you can't revive it, regardless of how much nurturing you give it. And.. I sadly may be at that point. I don't want to message him, I want to speak in person, but he isn't giving me the time of day. (Large edit to journal explaining this a bit more)

      • Link

        Hey it's no problem, it doesn't even have to be once a day if you both feel so busy (because that's understandable). But every so often wouldn't hurt. :)

        It's a bit of a bummer he doesn't tell you sometimes, it'd make it so much easier for you to see him and for him to see you.

        There is still a spark if you feel such emotion over this, if neither of you do, then maybe there is no spark. But still, it takes two people to keep up that spark if you know what I mean. :(

        You know it's very brave to ask for help from complete strangers. I hope some of this helped. :(
        The thing is, it seems like he just doesn't or can't say what he means, it seems like he needs time and maybe that's what he meant. The only thing I'd say is let it lie for a bit, have some fun with your best friend and try to forget about the worrry, even if it's just for a second.

        I'd say he'll either tell you in the end when he has time to thinks about it or he won't, he'll just continue on without saying anything, at that point I'd assume that he means he doesn't want to be with you anymore. /:

  • Link

    Go see him and ask wtf? or forget about Billy boy. Something like that where he's stepping atound messages and making you feel bad is a big deal. You should be ashamed too. Aren't you supposed to take a break and go outside etc. when you've been staring at a screen for too long? Go see him and talk it over.

    Wuss.

    • Link

      It is bad if you comment made me lol a little?

      You're right, I need to go see him. I just.. don't want to go waltzing up to his door and demand we speak or whatever. I'm perhaps a little bit of a coward with all of this. I have backbone and I million things I'd like to say, but I don't quite.. know how I'd say them. I doubt I'd even be able to form words if I did get the courage to go to his doorstep.

      • Link

        You need to talk to him if you want to remain in his viewfinder. There's no reason for back and forth waaah waaah. I'd talk to him unless you think he's a total wasteoid and lost cause. Man (woman?) up and dooo eeeeet.

  • Link

    1) About the "I don't love you anymore" stuff, he's either afraid to commit, or afraid to be alone if he doesn't have you. He's been off the market for almost 5 years, maybe he thinks he can't get back in.

    2) I dated a guy I truly loved, and every weekend he'd WALK to see me. and he lived two cities away. There's always a chance to make time for something that's important for you. You don't go to the gym without motivation for it. You don't do commissions if you have no interest in it. And he certainly wouldn't go to school or work if he had no interest in it. So what makes YOUR relationship with him any different then a daily commitment to interests or hobbies.

    3) Love is more complicated than just saying I love you. Obviously this 10 minute distance worked for you for 5 years. You two HAVE the motivation to be together but you lack the spark that held it together before. When you don't see each other for a long time, you worry, you think he's cheating, you think he doesn't love you, etc. But that doesn't mean you don't love him or he doesn't love you. The question is, do you two love each other enough to stay together at distances or do you two love each other enough to not hold each other down. Giving you and him the chance to not wait by a empty house, and a chance for him or you to focus on his work.

    4) I've just recently seen a relationship fall apart as I watched it get put together. The guy in Colorado, the girl in California. They visited each other over plane, and finally moved together after 3 years. For a while it was great. But there was a month where he treated her like nothing but crap laying around his apartment. He hated her dog, so he made her get rid of it, she sent it to me, he lost her snake, so she had to get a new one, and when he was drunk he would insult her and tell her she wasn't beautiful, or was only beautiful when he was drunk. She loves him, but not enough to stay for that type of abuse. So they broke up. Everyone is different when you spend more time with them, so if you two are like this now, imagine what it would be like when your married.

    I don't mean to scare you into a decision, it's your choice, but just know that no one is the same as they are portrayed at a distance. A fake painting might look real at a distance but up close it's nothing but a fake.

    • Link

      1. That is a good point, and I honestly hadn't considered that really.

      2. Although this is true, he doesn't particularly want to work, nor go to school - more of a necessity that his grandparents get after him for. Though I suppose necessity/drive for not being a bum/having no money/job does count as motivation. So yeah, I guess if it was a priority (on both of our parts) we'd see each other.

      3. I wish love wasn't as complicated as it's recently become. This is a good question, I love him and care for him enough to do whatever it takes. Whether we fix the relationship, or just, become friends. Going our seperate ways. I'm willing to do that, to just, move on if that is what he wants.

      4. This is true. And a point both my best friend and mother have pointed out to me as well. Perhaps it is good thing. He isn't ready obviously. And maybe I wasn't either.

      As much as I hate to admit it, you've made very valid points and have given me quite a bit to think on. I appreciate it and I am taking it to heart.

      • Link

        I'm glad you've considered them. I just don't want either side to be hurt in the end. I've seen both outcomes.