Well, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow my stepdad is coming by and we are taking kitkit to the vet.

Thankfully my stepdad has offered to pick up the cost of the vet bill. But Tonight is still going to hurt to watch.

I have talked with a friend and they think it is a Lung issue. Kitkit is by no means a kitten. she was full grown when I got her in 97. But lately she has been having what looks like breathing problems. She could be sleeping and suddenly wake up, looking as if she is gasping for air, wheezing. And sometimes even her trying to purr can set her off in these wheezing fits. Her breathing rate is faster, and each breath sounds more forced.

Every night she comes and lays beside me in bed. And each night I watch her sleep only to wake up struggling to breathe. I want to cry. I want to try and be strong. But over and over I feel like its my fault. Whether its old age or not. I have a habit of blaming myself for things in order to mentally cope. If something bad goes wrong, I try and take the blame on myself.

But still..Its painful to watch. People who have been to my streams know about kitkit. My cat who demands to always be the center stage. Who hates anything getting more attention than her. If it comes to worse...and she has to be put down to ease her suffering...

It hurts just thinking about that scenario.

I will be alone again.I know its natural. I know everyone's time must come.

But to see her suffering beside me and know there may be nothing I can do.

again...Better just to blame myself.