Bestia’s Wrath is gone. Why? Well, this is gonna need a compilation of like three tumblr posts I made about it.

So, let's start from the beginning.

TW: bullying, abuse, suicidal thoughts.

Around 7 years ago I had to leave a fandom of something I really enjoyed. Partly it was my fault, and partly it was people pushing me out with serious accusations.

Because I was an obnoxious asshole who didn't know how to filter out shit they didn't wanna see and made it everyone else's problem, but also I think I deserved to be blocked at worst.

And not, y'know, piled onto by a bunch of people with lectures on what a stupid baby and a horrible abuser I am. oh and how much they hate my favorite characters like it had anything to do with anything. That were rendered in a tone so fucking condescending and patronising that it can only be quoted in the most obnoxious saccharine uwu speak ever fucking conceived in the depths of hell.

Shut the fuck up! In fact, take a goddamn vow of silence for the rest of your lives, and the world will be much, much better for it.

Funny how one of those people turned into a horrible anti-vaxxer TERF who slings a beefed up version of the same accusations around. And another turned into the polar opposite, the aheem heem whimper meme, personified.

Oh and I definitely did not deserve hate art drawn at me by someone I have never even spoken to. Are you happy? Did you get followers for it? Did you get to be fun and quirky and trendy at my expense? Did they accept you? Will you put it in your portfolio? You will never get the time you spent on it back.

And the whole fucking shit smearing campaign was based on accusations pulled right out of someone's ass, which in turn were based on my opinions on fictional characters. Which are in turn based on the fact I'm autistic and didn't care about anything that Wasn't Special Interest Characters or a very select few others.

Like I get it. I'm annoying. My social skills suck ass. I'm an asshole sometimes. And all of these were WORSE 7-10 years ago.

But i can't comprehend the fucking malice of taking those traits and exaggerating them, as well as my fictional character preferences and ships into accusations of abuse, bigotry, or things that are actual crimes?

I can't comprehend the malice of going to the people who I had fallings out with YEARS before that point in 2017, because they used me as a verbal punching bag, and siding with them. Siding with people who screamed at me for no fucking reason, and who demeaned me because I was younger than them.

I can't comprehend the fucking malice of going through all that trouble because, what, i was annoying you with my autism? Was I too mentally unwell and neurodivergent in ways that aren't palatable, cute, convenient or ~quirky~ enough for you?

Good job, former friend. Real progressive of you there.

Well I have a fucking solution that you could have used: just block. The block button. It’s right there.

Don't get me wrong, people have the right to speak to anyone they want to. Including someone's former friends \ partners \ etc. I kinda wish I had spoken to that friend's former friends to get a fuller picture. But also, I didn't, because I generally try to trust in people and not assume everyone is fucking lying and plotting. I don’t fucking do background checks on everyone I talk to aside from maybe looking at their blog if they have anything like that.

But now I internally question everyone who approaches me. What do they want? Do they want free art? A funny silly animal to gawk at? Or do they genuinely want to talk to me and be friends?

Good job. Cornering someone who sucks ass at social bullshit games of thrones, and then accusing them of abuse when they inevitably lash out. I hope y'all choke on the 5 followers you got out of throwing me under the fandom police bus and ruining something i genuinely loved.

Those characters are / were my special interest. And now i wish they fucking weren't.

And in the years that passed since then, I tried and tried and tried to reclaim them. But I can't. It inevitably crashes back down and leaves me miserable and wanting to delete like all my art and go be a hermit or some shit.

In 2018, I started working on a comic, as a way to tell a story I came up with, and to reclaim those characters for myself. But it didn’t really work. I started it as a comic, realized it would take years upon years to complete, realized I don't want it to be my Berserk, and then kept downgrading it till I arrived at the fanfic with illustrations format I kept up from 2021 till early 2023.

Then in early 2023 I had another, idk, breakdown? I was really close to deleting all my art for that specific fandom but people convinced me to just put it in a folder separate from my other art. I thought I'd be abandoning the fanfic as well. But a few months later, I started poking at it again.

And now I'm here. Feeling the crash again. Feeling miserable over text on a screen again. feeling miserable over a story that maybe has ONE dedicated reader (who I am very grateful to!).

I downgraded the third part of the fanfic AGAIN, cutting out big chunks and collapsing it as far as it would go to prevent it from being "bad guy dies, everyone is happy."

But it wasn’t enough, was it?

I'm tired of having crying fits over a fucking stupid fanfic every 4-6 months.

I thought I couldn’t abandon the story because I'd feel guilty about it and it would hang over me. But also I didn’t really want to finish it because I want to leave this thing behind. I felt stuck with it like it's some disease I can't cut out without seriously damaging myself.

But, in the end, I saw no other way forward. It’s the only thing I haven’t tried.

I love (hate) the fact that the only way to heal for me is to delete a literal decade worth of SWTOR-related art and creativity and even then idk if I will ever get better.

I now understand all the people who just disappeared from that (and other) fandoms with no trace of them or what they created left.

I deleted all the art for SWTOR. Including the comic, the text and the illustrations for Bestia’s Wrath. There’s an archive that I gave to my friend for safekeeping, but I will not be sad if they decide to delete it. I’ve also given all my characters to them, because I know they will recycle them into something cool if they feel like it.

It’s all gone. I should have done this long ago, but good ol’ sunk cost fallacy was preventing me from pulling the plug.

I'm normally very much against such measures, because even the wonkiest lumpiest most uncanny looking piece of old art should be preserved and learned from, but I don't see any other way for myself to break the cycle of trying to return to where I am clearly not welcome, then getting flashbacks and or anxiety attacks, then deleting everything, only to repeat again in a few months.

I hoped Bestia's Wrath would be a way for me to wrap things up with SWTOR and let it go. And in a way it was something that kept me going back in 2018 when i wanted to kill myself. And I am grateful for that.

I don't have a fucking neatly wrapped lesson here. Don't harass people over fictional shit? Cause the people in that fandom might have felt righteous and shit, but have they even and ever realized how much damage they did to me?

I'm not gonna claim that their actions caused my depression or suicidal thoughts, those were around long before in some form, or physical issues that may or may not have been caused by stress (those also cropped up way before that). Oh and I am stable at least when it comes to the first two, so no need to worry. I'm not fine but I'm more or less stable.

But they sure did contribute to all of that. It took me years to realise I didn't have to fucking GROVEL to people like a pathetic piece of PREY. It took me years to realise my cat dying shortly after I ran away from \ was pushed out of the fandom wasn't some fucking divine punishment bullshit. That I didn't deserve to suffer.

It's been years and I still constantly look over my shoulder afraid that i'm found and ppl will come out of the woodwork with pitchforks and callout posts. Or that the people I'm friends with decide to throw me under the bus like that person did.

One friend said they think I'm grieving. Another said many times over the course of like, 5 years i've known them, that I display signs of fucking PTSD. Grief and PTSD over a fucking video game and a fucking fandom on the fucking internet. Because someone decided I'm too annoying and inconvenient to be friends with.

To the people who enjoyed my art, and my story: thank you for being there, and I hope you understand.

To the former friend and their new “friends”: Thanks, I hate it. Choke on your victory. Cunts.