I was going to make this short... or longer? But the more I think, the less I can put it together.

warning, I discuss some of my experiences with depression in this. So if you're unsure how you might feel reading about that, then I'd avoid reading. You aren't missing much, just that I might not post for a long time.

///

I don't really open about this online... or even in person, but I've been very depressed for months now. It started very intensely in the fall. Last month I got sick with something and it left me so exhausted I wasn't able to do anything for about a week. I'm much better now, it was just difficult. I got deeply anxious thinking it was something serious, but I'm OK now.. Yet, since then, I've felt really frustrated. It's been even more difficult than from before I was sick. or even WHEN I was sick. So, I took another break from my scheduled comic work while I try to work out my life and I've yet to go back.

Drawing has really lost it's touch with me. I've had so much free time, so I've sat down and tried to draw something... just anything- no specific character or style or anything, just whatever comes to mind and when I do, it feels like it's just "not working". I keep thinking about what else I'd rather do than draw in my freetime, and it's infinite. I want to box up my hard drive so it's not on my computer and I can forget about drawing. It's a skill sometimes I wish I could just give to others for the time being who are trying really hard to draw.

Lately, I want to try some other thing. I think my first want with the internet was to post game glitches and hacks and such (that's part of the speedrun part and modding of the internet now, but I'm going off topic). I've never done that since, though. This interest of mine is massive, but it's one that I never really got to explore. I wasn't great with programming or 3D modeling like I am now... I didn't even get any console or gaming capable PC beyond the Playstation 2 until a few years ago.

So, instead, a near perfect decade ago now, I made my first real animations with WOLVES. Then, with a depressive episode about a year or two later, I deleted all of those animations, so I cannot even look back and try to find my roots- or see how much I might've actually improved. I keep thinking: I have these videos in my head of what I drew for fun... It was amateurish.. sloppy writing.. so confusing, all the wolves looked nearly identical with different shades of anime hair (yeah, I was that type of artist) but I had so much fun. I wish I could feel that way when I draw now. Whenever I draw now, I think "are people going to notice how rushed this is when I post it?" or "I drew another dog person with pointy ears, is this really able to be unique?" I try to stop these thoughts- I know they're irrational or don't matter- but they really get me at the end of the day. I'm not really sure what type of art I want to make, I just want to feel good making it.

Lately, I feel like I've locked myself out of other paths since I finally saw success after years online, with a webcomic with a small/actually mind blowing when I think about it-- thousand of followers. It feels dishonest to work on things when I have another obligation, but it's also a comic I'm posting for free. It's not a job or commission or anything. I guess it's just some general self thing. It's hard to disconnect 'myself' from 'it'. I am my comic, and I don't really want to be anything beyond it, if I'm being honest.

I feel so locked in my path, and I thought: Well, I'll just quit comic work for a while, take a few weeks off and in that time try drawing whatever I want again. But suddenly that isn't coming back, and everything I draw looks like the thousands I've done before it. Drawing is getting to be such a chore and unfun hobby of mine. It's not very enjoyable anymore, I can't find that weird spark I first felt so many years ago. So I think I may quit for a while, as bad as it hurts to say that. I'm not sure what I'll do instead- I feel a lot guilt of it, running out of hobby to go hide in another. People expect things from me, I think. Or maybe, I expect too many things from me. Being all ~experimental and all avantgarde~ isn't something I think does well for maintaining a following. But then again: Do I even need to post anything? Or just keep them on a hard drive for me to stare at and pretend I did something with them?

At the end of the day, I don't know what I'll do. All of these thoughts could just be me wanting to find something new for a while, before I get sick of that due to burn-out, and move on again.
I lasted about a year and a half being really quite happy and worry free, that felt really good, but now I'm back at a low again. I don't think I'll make any 'real' choice, just stop posting for a while and disappear until maybe one day I'll post again.

That's just my life now. I don't know if anyone is reading this. Maybe you just found this while bored way later. Ultimately it's hobbies and digital art I posted for free. As negative as I feel towards it in times like this, I still really care about it, so that's why I overthink these things, in my mind.

Ok, I'll just post this.