I don't know what to say for the moment, but I do want to say it can feel scary to come back and at the same time a little cheerful. Since the pandemic had emerged, I felt as I was told no one can afford art, and so I had to close shop and disappeared again, I was afraid I may be a burden. All I can tell is that right now, to say for the sake of a small group, and the rest of the sphere of watchers, and as well as the diaspora, that I am still in a struggle to climb back up to the surface with a hope, after watching advice videos and actual counseling.
I wish I could write all, but I figure I may sound raw that it results in the same outcome that it may be impossible to recover, but this just my fear taking over. Despite the uncertainty, however, as I was advised many times, I ought to cherish what I have and make room for myself.
I really don't know if I should open up for commissions, even with the pandemic going on. I am just curious.
If I were an altruist like I am to do free doodles for anyone over myself, I would say that perhaps I haven't been opening up enough or say I haven't getting in touch of my own roots enough. I admit I have not been loving myself, and I played my past events like a tape-player I developed like an echolalia. Now, as I am watching advice videos I can try and binging on them besides prayer and gospel videos, I am figuring out how to balance myself and my perceivable outlook, and how to set boundaries for a better outlook and therefore better self-perspective.
I honestly don't know where to start to make it possible, but if I were on my own, the first I can do to open up is via doodles and drawings of my sonas. Just like starting over.
I do get claims that I need some financial support more then ever, but at the same time I may be in doubt to take such support due to my slow pace due to my offline environment, and can understand why.
I may watch advice videos as I write another journal entry like this, I mean may this can help me turn toward a positive self-outlook.
I have so much to say I can barely review what I wrote down before submitting, as I keep writing and editing, and then taking it down because I thought this could cause a drawback, maybe no can see it, maybe most of you won't even comment, but a close friend might worry, and they'd be right. I get told that I need to be a listener than a talker, so that I can better socialize. It can be hard to gather people again at least for a conversation, but then I have to do something in exchange for just conversation. Maybe every one of us could be shy against each other. I was told that each of us needs an outlet. Like myself, I do need an outlet. I do need some financial nevertheless. I do need to stop expecting the worst to come over and over, and essentially, let go of the past.
Thanks for reading this in any case.