“I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in. And if you do not want to see me again I would understand.”

Sometimes when I was little, I would dream that I was dying or that I was committing suicide because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wondered if anyone would care. I thought that my grandparents wouldn’t. I was just another mouth to feed and a waste of money to them. I figured that my parents wouldn’t either. All they cared about were the drugs and alcohol to keep them out of this reality.

Was I just really this worthless?… Was I ever good enough? What do you expect from me? What am I to you? Am I not good enough for you to be ok in your eyes?

I’ve attempted… I was close to plunging the knife through my chest a few times late at night so no one would see me. I’ve casually stepped out into the middle of the street with traffic going and not looking both ways, sometimes wishing that a car would just hit me. I’ve walked out into the middle of a lightning storm and stood out in the middle of the field, wondering if the lightning would hit me… wanting to know what it felt like to just hold a pillow in front of my face at night. Whenever I wasn’t trying to commit suicide, I left cut marks on my arms near my wrists. I would hide them in my sleeves so no one else would see…

Daddy please stop yelling… I can’t stand the sound… You always make me and my mommy cry… why, daddy? I thought you loved us… I thought you cared… Why do you leave bruises on me? Why did you choke me that night? Why do you kick me? Do you want me to go away and never come back?…

Poppa and grandma, why do you always drink at night?… Do you really hate me and my brother and sister?… I can’t stand it at dinner time, I always lock myself in the room…

I hate the noise, I hate the yelling, I hate the sound of dishes breaking…

I always thought that if I died, I figured that the only person who would have cared at the time was my little sister. She looked up to me; I seemed like a role model to her…

Obviously I’m not this kind of person now. I thank God every day that I’m not a depressing, mopey person anymore. I like being happy and cheerful and making people laugh. I only share this personal part of my life with you guys because I continue to see the rising in suicide :( It breaks my heart whenever I hear these suicide stories of some of the people here on the Internet or on the news or something like that. What I’ve learned through suicide is that it’s just a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

It’s difficult, I understand it is. Medications, I believe, don’t work. They usually just worsen the depression, which I find completely bullshit that they still try to make more and get people to take them… I also understand that many others have probably tried many other tactics than I did. I didn’t have a lot of the resources, that and I was also scared to do it too…

Suicide, even if you think no one cares, everyone is affected around you whether you want to believe it or not. You guys have to keep holding on because we do care. Your family, friends, loved ones… You are all loved and appreciated. If you’re a Christian, know that God and Jesus loves us all.

Whenever I think about times like this, even in the darkest of times, even a tiny glimpse of hope can be like “a leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird’s flight,” but you know what? I’ll take it, “with open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time” (Hosseini, The Kite Runner).