Heyas peeps!

Really sorry for the radio silence.  To be honest, I've been pretty down lately.  I don't have a singular reason or cause but maybe a multitude of contributors to my lower-than-ideal mood.  Sometimes it feels like lonliness (I only really have 2 days in the week where anyone is actually around), the consistant feeling of jet lag caused by working overnights but wanting to be functional in the day, how my meds seem to work mostly during the night and conflict with my ever-altering circadian rhythm, going multiple days without ever really seeing the sun.

I could probably go on.

Work has also added a significant amount of extra labor as of recent.  I tend to go into work early just so I can finish and have a wind-down period before going home and going to bed.  But now I find myself working from top to bottom of the shift with no actual break.  It leaves me sore, tense and unable to wake up before 2pm.  On top of all of that, my previous work week saw me in only 2 places: work and bed.

Maybe all of this is depression.  Maybe it's all just adding on to it?  Work woes, constant exhaustion, stress at home regarding money, so-on and so-on.  And it eats me up when a day comes to a close and I look back and find that I've done little to nothing that could be seen as productive.  My writing has suffered so much because of this by causing delays and making sitting down and getting words written on the screen so difficult that it's almost terrifying.

I've said it before.  A simple solution to some of my problems would be a new job.  But, as I've said before also, I simply can't afford it.  I'm making just over $17 an hour and find myself just getting by.  Any new job I get will almost certainly mean a paycut.  I'm sure there are better paying jobs out there, but to be painfully honest, I don't have the first clue of where or how to look for them.  One job I've eyed is the Microsoft Store at the local mall.  I'd likely enjoy the environment much more and work an infinitely more reasonable schedule, but pay there starts at (I think) $14/hour.  At nearly $120 less per check (assuming I get full time), that would make my living situation much more difficult.

Writing has been hard, enjoying games has been hard, everything just seems to be so difficult to enjoy.  Often I can't even motivate myself to do anything.  Either stay in bed or sit at my computer and watch youtube mindlessly or watch other people chat in telegram or discord and be unable to push myself to become involved.

I can't begin to describe how much it eats me up and pushes me further towards feeling down knowing I have writing I want and need to do and struggle to do it.  Or plans and games I've been wanting to tackle and play and just can't push myself to start or continue.  To a degree, it instills a bit of empathy in some of the artists out there that let their queue run away with them.  It's not an excuse to take more work than you can handle, obviously, but often I think people hit these productivity strides and feel they can do anything only for that stride to be broken by natural wind-up/wind-down periods or creativity or when life throws unexpected BS at you.  Knowing you have these things to do and stepping back to see just how much of it there is can be daunting to say the least.  Hell, I don't even charge up front until I'm ready to get started on a story and I feel awful so many times for delays and lapses in motivation.

I feel like...I keep searching for some ideal combination or key to the way my mind works.  Some secret or hidden meathod or process that is essential to bring me back to a favorable headspace and allow me to deal with all the external junk while still being productive and enjoying myself.  Each time I hit a stride, I feel I found at least a part of it, only for it to eventually faulter and fade and put me back at square one. 

First I thought it was a need for ADD meds.  It helped at first and sometimes helps now, but it feels like it only works when I'm at my job or away from home.  Then I thought maybe I was sleeping and napping too much so I tried to break my habit of napping before work by flooding myself with coffee and/or energy drinks.  Worked at first, but now all the energy in the world just flat out fails to keep my brain from shutting me down an hour or two prior to leaving for work.

There's so many other things too.  Maybe my problem is obvious to others and not to myself.  No doubt my "solutions" look pretty dumb to others.  I've often looked at other people and said "you just need to force yourself to get started." when they faced similar issues.  I don't say that anymore.  You really can't understand how the mind and habits and stumbling points of others brains work unless you experience it yourself.


I guess, to sum this ramble up...  I'm sorry for being quiet and withdrawn and being slow.  I'm trying to find my stride again.  Please bare with me.

 

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