Guh!, so, I never vent in journals often, but today, I kinda need to just write some stuff down, just to get it out if nothing else.

I lost a friend today. This friend, I have known him for like 10 years? ish? something like. Well, all that time, Ive watched him make bad decisions, drink, experiment with drugs, get into debt, have horrible relationship and just generally mess things up for himself. I watched him turn from beautiful into broken. I stayed out of it, just being his friend because I kept hoping he'd figure himself out. the person inside, the person that isn't into self destructive behavior, is someone I really care for.

He's also gay. I mention this because I kinda thought that when I figured out my own sexuality this last year, he would have been the first person there for me. I thought he would have been the friend I needed, Well, he wasn't. He pretty much shut me right out!

I finally wrangled him into talking to me and tried to find out what was going on. Turns out, he did that out of jealousy! I mean, I can understand, but keep in mind, friends for like, a decade here! Ans suddenly he can't talk to me because he's pissed that I'm gay and still not available? So we talk, and I actually do concider him. I mean, I loved him, the him that was my friend, the him before the drink, the debt, the self hatred, the him before the years of darkness and self destructive behavoir, before the countless relationships he had with countless people who were less than he deserved because they used him. Then, he actually wanted that I guess. In our talk, things got bizzaro. He wanted humiliation. He needs multiple partners, and he wanted to trade a sex act I wouldn't want for a half assed promise of monogomy. I made, a HUGE mistake even entertaining the conversation.

A few days past. I got more and more upset by things. Then, I was like, "ok. We've been friends for like a decade." and I realized that I couldn't shut him out like he had done me when there was an issue, so, I told him how I felt. How worried and sad his behavoir made me, and how he deserved to do himself better. It was something I've needed to say to him for a loooooooooong time.

And he handled it like an utter child. He threw little 16 year old frazes at me like "Think what ever you want" and "You don't know me" or something like that. Keep in mind that this was someone I once regarded as mature and wise. It made me really realize how very far he'd fallen.

So, I just said when he grew up, he knew where to find me.

The person I once knew, is dead. He has been for a very long time. I miss him, but it's time to grieve and move on. The person that he is now? is only that person's ghost. And it's a damn shame. A damn shame.

I just....needed to write this. Sorry for the TMI and emoness.