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Retrospective by Fiz

Just thinking too much.

I've been a bit disappointed lately that it looks like what fanbase I had on deviantART has vanished. No comments etc. I started wondering why that happened. I might be wrong here, but I'm figuring it's because I am no longer drawing things related to the Sonic fandom, whether that is the characters themselves or, later on, making comics and drawings making fun of people within the fandom.

Then I thought about it some more and I think I can finally put into words why I can no longer stand the Sonic fandom and why I am glad why I got out of it:

It's toxic.

It is terribly, terribly toxic. In the art and fan-character site of the fandom, people don't really seem to be fans of the series itself; they are fans of themselves and their fan character(s). They think they are the shit, that they are fucking awesome, and it's all about them. They make "friends", they do art trades with them, draw fanart for them, and then turn around and bitch about that said friend to their other "friends", who also bitch about each other. Everyone sucks and they are the best! Gotta draw fanart of this character so I can get more pageviews, even though I think that person is a fucking SLUT because their fancharacter has big tits so that means the character is a SLUT, and characters are always exactly the same as their creators, right?

Just an endless chain of dick-wagging, back-stabbing and stagnation, and oh god, I did so many of those fucking things, it's just GROSS.

So yes, no shit, I had an ego back then. I do not need to tell people this but I'll admit it anyway. I thought I was awesome, that my bad art was awesome, and that everyone else sucked because they did mild shit that irritated me. So I just yelled at everyone and messed with them and made it my career to be a gigantic asshole to people. This didn't apply to just Sonic fandom people either, it applied to furries and random folk off livejournal etc.

And...people liked that, obviously? Originally I thought it was because "yes these people agree that I am awesome" and that "I'm just saying shit they're scared to say" and stuff like that.

I don't know what it really was, I'm assuming, judging from the other patterns displayed above, they just liked seeing me be an asshole to other assholes, and that they didn't like me that much and thought I was just a lame asshole as well (because they are truly the best, you see).

Now note that I am not blaming the entirety of me being an asshole on Sonic fans, I of course contributed to some of it on my own! And I'm sure other fandoms have the same kind of toxicity going on with them, but I feel the Sonic fandom helped bring out all those shitty qualities of me while I was at a younger age (14-19?) where I was more influenced by these things.

Basically, if this is the kind of thing that originally got me comments and such on deviantART, instead of people genuinely caring about me or my art, then I'd rather it be gone. I'd rather not keep the cycle going just for more attention. I may be sad that I am no longer much of a "thing" but it is a good thing at the same time.

All of the above is glad why I got out of it, even if it took me a while to shake off all of those old habits. I know I display some of them still, I get snappy and irritated on tumblr/twitter and such. However, now that I have more positive things to put my energy towards (such as developing my characters, working on Weasyl, etc.), that I'll cool off for the most part on that kind of thing.

So, hey, I completely understand that people may be hesitant to do things like join Weasyl because they had a bad experience with me in the past, or saw me acting a fool otherwise. I certainly was a little shit, no denying that, and I'm sorry. I apologize to the people I messed with for little reason and to those I over-reacted towards whether either party was "right".

However, at the same time, when people go on and on about me being a gigantic bitch but can only cite things that happened ages ago (if they cite anything at all), it's funny and gives me an ego boost. If that is all you can complain about me TODAY is something I did maybe 5 years ago that doesn't currently reflect who I am? Then that is kind of good for me. Yea, it's insulting, but if that's all it is, then that means I'm on the right track to not being such a shithead. All you are doing is making me feel better, so that is my official response on that whole thing. If it is a more recent thing, then yea, you have valid reason to call me a bitch. Though you can also try talking to me about it too!

And to the people who have followed me around off the edge of the Earth (even if you did so silently), despite all of that shit I did above, then thanks. It means a lot. You have kept me going for so long and I really do appreciate it.

Thank you.

Retrospective

Fiz

30 March 2013 at 14:55:58 MDT

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  • Link

    You're pretty cool. FYI

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      haha thanks :>

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    This journal has really made me respect you a lot more. I know it's stupid, but I used to follow you on other sites and was always kind of... intimidated? Afraid? To initiate conversation with you. It's refreshing to know that it was just my social anxiety talking and not reality, and you really are a good person. I used to be just like you. When I was 18, I acted like a HUGE asshole. My art was shit, and I thought I was the best thing there could be- and then I got ripped apart by... somewhere unsavory, I'll leave it at that. I've tried really hard to grow and change, just like you, and should adopt the same philosophy. There are some people who give me shit for the same things that happened years ago, and it used to upset me. But recently I've just started not to care.

    tl;dr oh god im sorry i dont know where i was going with this /hides

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      I used to be like that too. I think we were all assholes in our angsty-teen phases. D:

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      You're not alone. I get people all the time telling me they are too intimidated to try to talk to me, and I think after all of this I'm finally understanding why. I think mostly people thought I would just jump at them and tear them apart if they messaged me, which actually has never happened because I am actually quite tame and boring in one on one convos, but they didn't know that!

      And yea with what wuvvums said, I think most people had at LEAST a small asshole streak in their teens. It's why I tend to give people who are like...16-20 the benefit of the doubt, because I know that I went through a lot of growing up between ages 19-21. While some people do never grow out of that teenage asshole high school mentality, a lot of people do.

      But I am glad you are trying to do the same. Though I'm sorry I don't recognize you by name except for fairly recently, and I'm usually able to identify people who've followed me around places. Were you under another name?

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        I feel really bad for the people who never do grow up out of that phase. I look back on how I acted and I cringe, a -lot.-

        Annnd ahaha I didn't really +watch on my oldest deviantart account, I mostly just lurked and bookmarked artists' pages. You wouldn't recognize me even if I told you. Oops.

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          Ahh okay! And well, I might. I know of a lot of people, even if I don't actually know them at all.

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    Sounds like you've done a lot of growing up, which is definitely something to be proud of. I really think most of us go through the 'asshole' phase as a teenager.

    That said, people follow people who act that way because it's entertaining, but the people doing it don't seem to understand that said followers aren't their friends. Those kinds of fans will be more than happy to turn on you the moment something more entertaining comes along. There's no loyalty there, and it's incredibly toxic, as you put it. Fortunately, I do think MOST people grow out of it.. most.

    As for Deviantart, it's very, very cliquish and centred around fandoms. There's also just so much traffic that you have to really work to get any attention, but it's honestly not worth it. I pulled away from Deviantart long ago thanks to the dickish staff, and would do the same from FA if it wasn't where the buyers are. I'm reallllly hoping Weasyl takes off so that's not a concern anymore.

    TL;DR, self-improvement is a very respectable thing.

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      Yea deviantART seems to be very centered around fandoms nowadays, and it seems you can't get get much of a following unless you spam your artwork into their groups.

      ...which I can't do really because most of the groups are about fandoms and I'm working more on original stuff nowadays :c

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    Fiz from the time I started following your tumblr to now I've always respected you and the way you seem to brush things off when people came to your page trying to start shit. And I still respect you. I don't follow people to follow their drama. I follow you on tumblr for your art and funny comments, and I follow you on here to see more of your art. You've always made me laugh, especially when you take a big orge shit on trolls. I really enjoyed reading that you've gotten sick of being 'that guy', even if I never witnessed you in that stage, it's really cool to see you stand up and say " yeah, i was a dick, but i'm not anymore."

    I also get incredibly burned up when people try to start shit and include Weasyl. I really love this site and would not have given a shit if you hadn't been pushing it so hard. I wanted to find a website that I can comfortable be on while still being a cross fandom website. dA does have furries, but it's not as much as here. And I'd probably get nowhere on FA, plus DRAMU. I am very comfortable here, and it meets a lot of things that I like customization wise. And I only have you and the other staff to thank. I know it doesn't sound like much but I think with how you feel about all this, that you deserve happiness.

    Please keep up the great work, art-wise and as a member of the Weasyl family! ( psspss I really love Monte ok)

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      Aaa thank you so much! Really. And I am so happy you feel comfortable on here. Me and the staff really want Weasyl to be a place where people feel safe and comfortable, so it's good to hear that we're succeeding with that :>

      (also fff thank you I'M SO GLAD PEOPLE LIKE MONTE HE IS MY BABY)

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        Yes it's so wonderful here ; w ;. I don't update my dA anymore in favor of this one. the only other place I upload is tumblr haha. but yes thank you for making this place awesome! <3

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    I watch you since I like your art and you made me laugh at times. I dont know you as a person.Its hard to know a lot of people especially if they are on the internet and you never meet them real life. I havent been able to keep up with deviant,FA,Inkbnny and now adding here as well not to mention sofurry too.theres so much art out there and so many places to see it that its frankly very hard to keep up with it all.

    If you feel like youve matured over the years thats good.its sad when people dont ever mature and treat others as just personal entertainment or drama foes.I dont think thats just applicable to Sonic or furry .Its all over.I do think though people in those fandoms do seem to have more issues interacting maturely with other people .At least a little bit higher percentage then the average population

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      Thanks rick. I know you follow a lot of people everywhere I so understand if you can't keep up sometimes, that's fine. But you have always seemed legitimately interested in the people you know and watch, and that's a really nice thing!

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    Yep, the angsty teenage days are over. Good on you for making changes and improving yourself though, I know theres some people that dont change well into their late 20s

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      Yea I'm about to hit my mid-20's now so I'm glad I've gotten pretty chill at this point in my life. :>

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    I've argued with you in the past, I don't care that was the past hahah

    draw more cats.

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      nooo never!!

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    Relevant, I love that we can favorite journals here.

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      Yea it's a nice lil feature!

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    I believe that anyone from the Sonic scene that does not have a social life, outside of using the internet, can have extremely toxic personalities. I've had my fair share of experience with these kinds of people myself, so I agree that there's a lot of them out there. However, I have friends I've known for years that are Sonic fans, some of those that I have met for extended periods of time, and it's given me hope that there are people in this scene that aren't totally full of themselves, and that do grow mentally and socially.

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      You're one of the lucky ones then!

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    I've been following you in DA since those years and still do, but I've always been more of a lurker than a commenter. I just don't see the point in posting a "lul looks great!"" comment and I wasn't really ever into the scene like a lot of people. I've met Sonic fans that are not complete dicks - the UK Summer of Sonic cons made me realize there are fans that are not all crazy fan-artists taking OC's and various issues way too seriously. Though I almost naturally avoid or go all coy around "popular" people in the fandom.

    It's like being part of the pony fandom, yeah there's bad eggs that make everyone else look bad, or take the fun out of it, but I've also had some fun meeting bronies at cons and having a genuine good time. Every fandom has a level of toxic groups to them, the best thing to do is to avoid the drama and just do what you've gotta do. People from the mainly DA era have started to grow up - I think you'll find some of it is simply that those that were around in your drama-related-days have stopped drawing or posting to DA in favour of other places (assuming they kept drawing once real life got them into work, having kids ect.

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      I'm glad you were able to meet and make friends with folks from those fandoms that weren't toxic people. As I mentioned before, I think I was lucky to get out of the Sonic fandom with two or three good friends that I still chill with now, while the amount of toxic 'friends' were like a few dozen.

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    idk ur cool

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    People being jerks in fandoms is one of the things that tends to keep me p quiet in any other than the furry one but I have been a jerk too (also trying to get over that being quiet in other fandoms thing). I feel guilty every time I ever picked on someone' weird or badly written fan fic (at least those which weren't intended to be funny because well, those are there to be made fun of), and every time I think about posting my own fics I remember how /I/ was about that stuff and wonder who is going to chew me up. But at the same time, I don't remember ever telling the writers I thought their stuff was wack, but just my friends who would laugh to each other. I still feel terrible about it. In the deep past I was probably like WTF in total about certain fics like I just could not understand much at all, then more recently I at least know that if I don't understand a thing that the writer does and that their headspace is legit. A lot of arrogance is gone now, but fortunately I remember what it was like having that and I can use that for empathy and for writing characters and for seeing why somepeople do what they do. I do remember that in the deep past I would comment on visual art and fetishes and things that I thought were dumb or bad or wack in an asshole way. Some of those comments still haunt me. I think about everyone is an asshole at some point. Especially if you are young, and grow up being treated poorly, and are full of hate and confusion. Man I was such an asshole in the past for other things irl. All of this motivates me to me kind now. I had a fair deal of shit happen to me, a lot of it unsurprisingly because of my own flaws. Live and learn.

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      Yea agreed, I think everyone ends up having a rude streak in them when they are young. Sometimes it is quickly passing, sometimes it lasts waaay too long. For me it lasted too long for comfort. Sometimes I'll find just awful old comments of mine and I have no idea why I was so pissy at certain things in particular. I chalk it up to arrogance and wanting to think I was better than I was.

      It's a nasty chapter of my history but I'm glad to have learned from it.