In high school, in art class, I had a problem with making my art too complex. I was an artist, unlike nearly every other person in the class. I did art for fun, and they did art only within those walls...

Anyway, I look back over my recent—and by recent, I mean the last year or so—attempts to make a living by creating art... and I've come to realize I still have this problem with complexity. Either I try too hard and get nothing out of it—which is most of my effort for my life—or I end up aiming for something too large and never get there.

This has been going on forever, and I don't know what to do about it. While everyone was making trees or fruit or whatever out of clay, I was recreating my reploid character Hunter Vileson. When others were doing simple perspective drawings, I was doing a view up from a manhole cover towards a New York City skyline with Godzilla blocking out part of the frame.

Last year, about now, I started trying to make something of my own YouTube Channel and thought I was putting in some real production value... editing, and adding overlays, and doing transitions... more than your usual Let's Plays. Heck, I even came up with a concept for my own series called "Let's Tell" in which I was going to Storytell the story of certain games as a new take on what a Let's Play could be... still dishing out some Walkthrough stuff with screen overlays and the like.

The result of that ended up both not having the technology to do my work quickly—I've been without a computer for about two and a half years now—and having the one friend willing to go with me on that journey stop talking to me all together. Why? I don't know... but last year has been filled with friends going missing. He was one, an RP friend was another, and a friend who'd moved far north was a third.

I also had someone start hating me this year, and while that wasn't a new experience, it's a totally rare experience... and—unlike other times—I still see this person regularly... and now he just jokes in front our other, mutual friends, about how much he hates me...

But I digress. I revert. Back to the topic I was on...

Adaptation 21XX is my greatest, longest, most complicated work of art... and I have nothing to show for it yet. It's mostly code, not content, and so there's nothing to show off. I'm scared of it. Scared that it's going to be another project where my goal was more lofty than I could achieve... that spending almost a year working on it has been a waste of mine and other people's time and some sort of proof that I am, indeed, just as much a screw-up as other people think.

And the worst part is, these last two things were spot-on... they were right. I could do the YouTube Channel, and I still want to someday. I've got all the video and audio of my two complete Let's Play experience, and a script to finish my first Let's Tell as well. And #AD21XX? It's JavaScript plus HTML plus CSS. I got this. I know I can do it...

But if I can do it, why haven't I already? I started in February/March and, if I'm being honest, I took about two total months off in there overall... but, even so, it doesn't seem complex. It's easy to wrap my head around... and it does, at least to me, truly seem above and beyond what other artist in the same medium are attempting. I really believe in this thing... why can't I be more dedicated or work faster?

And it was really this past year I began to understand there's something deeply wrong with me. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's mental. I'm not exactly lazy... it's not like I don't feel like doing anything... it's that I feel like doing the thing, but I can't always muster the doing. Like, it could be AHD or something, I dunno... but whatever it is is something I need help with... I just don't know how to get help.

If I scale the game back, for example, what's that amount to? It won't be as awesome or as ground-breaking... it won't have the best chance to grab people's attention. But, I mean, what if that's all in my head anyway? How big an audience even is there for a Text-Based Action/Drama RPG? Am I just full of myself?

I've made art my whole life, but artist isn't what I am... my art is story. I'm a Storyteller... and what better medium for someone who doesn't have the money to eat for a fifth of his days than something that can be made in a Text Editor? But even if I do end up getting this Alpha out so people can start giving me real feedback, what if that amounts to nothing? What if I fail at this like I've failed at the rest of my life?

As an example, my DeviantArt Account has been open for 13 years now... and, in that time, I've gotten just over 25,000 views. That's pathetic. That's paltry. Is it that my art isn't good enough to get noticed? Maybe. But I think it's that I have no idea at all how to advertise myself. I have no clue—for my art, this game, or finding a good-paying job—how to get noticed. It's beyond me. I lack that ability.

And so what if I do make something awesome, but it never gets noticed? I mean, I shared a link to #AD21XX's Facebook page all over my various pages today and did anyone Like it to follow updates? Yeah. One person. I know I reached over 100 people just on my few pages, but... just one person Liked.

I have no idea if this is just me... if my newly recognized anxiety/depression is affecting me. When the only thing I feel I can count on is my mind... and it is clearly having issues... where do I go from here? I have amounted to nothing more than hopefully being a good friend and a good person, but if that's the case... what's with three friends vanishing? What's with someone hating me? How have I managed to fail even more in my 35th year than all the others?

I want to make this game... I want to make it as art and make money... but I guess maybe I have no idea how to do that. I really may not have any idea what I'm doing... I may not be making something fun.
I hope I am. I think I am. I guess we'll see...

See you in the Future,
—Huntermun

P.S.: Right here... I could have been working, coding, instead of typing the above.

P.P.S.: https://www.facebook.com/Adaptation21XX