I've not been feeling very well as of late, suicidal even.... und well... maybe I should explain how it comes...

It's a bit of a long story...

starting off... I got bullied all my life, I still get bullied und I'm 23.

Got bullied in such a way that I got thrown of school because of lies that my bullies had thrown around. leaving me stranded with no papers to get a job.

Hell, yesterday my friend had to pull me away as some young adults started bullying me again, If he hadn't done that I'd punched them all in the hospital.

For what reason do I get bullied? well it's for three reasons.

I got autism, because of this I behave und act a bit different than others und apperantly it's a reason to bully me on it.

A lot of people also keep telling me I look a lot like Adolf Hitler, to the point that in school everyone greeted me with Seig Heil.. und it became worse when I grew my moustache. Even now, whenever I got to the restaurant where I can actually afford food, I get greeted by one of the staff members as Adolf Hitler und with a sieg Heil, worst of all, the manager und the other staff don't want to do anything about it as they see it as him joking around.

the other thing is that where ever I go, I always wear my trusty bowler hat, und everywhere I go, people shout at me Jew und showing obscene gestures or are just staring und pointing at me.

all this bullying has broken me.

add to that the fact that now I've been unemployed for three years with no luck in finding a job, not having the ability to drive a car und getting such a patheticly low wager that I can't get out of the house. well, it really pushes your buttons und yeah.. doesn't give you a bright future to look ahead at.

About work.

I have been trying to get a job now for three years, after a year it was clear that because of my autism I was being denied of work, so therefor I asked if there was a guidance program for people like me to be able to get a job. there is. I have signed up on this, und then had been in a waiting list for a year. after which I had to do some intern jobs und tests, where it was decided what I excel at und what jobs I'd be good for. so now it has been decided that i'm good enough to do normal work, und they've suggested another type of guidance program to me. I've signed up for that one now, und am in another waiting list for probably another year or so. however the difference is that this time I am allowed to look for work in the meantime where as with the other guidance program I am not allowed. However they told me that I shouldn't do it because if I do, und find a job, und it doesn't work out, I gotta start from the whole beginning again. so that means being back to square one. I've obliged und am listneing to them loyally, doing what they want me to do.

However. und this is one of my other big problems that are getting me down und wanting to hang myself.

My family on my father's side are pushing enormously, including my father. They keep telling me I don't do enough to find work. That I will be placed in a special workspace for people with severe disabilities. That i'm lazy. That I don't want to find work. etc etc... it's gotten so bad I'm avoiding them now, but sadly they were they only ones taking me to museums, events or just to their chalet in the Ardennes (french speaking part of Belgium, it has quite a hilly landscape und a lot of forests).

My drivers licence.

It was something I've been putting off because I am terribly afraid to be behind the wheel of a car. However seeings as I want to immigrate to the US (if I don't end up killing myself before that) I gotta learn how to drive one so a year ago I went to driving school for a theoretical drivers licence. I got it, und now I am, or rather, was, busy with learning how to drive a car. with my dad. who doesn't show up anymore for the lessons.

I wasn't going fast enough for him as well, he wanted me to learn how to properly start up und get a car going in one lesson, but after seven lessons I still couldn't do that, I can drive one properly, I can shift gears, I've even driven on the road (albeit slower than a normal car due to being afraid) und still i'm not doing good enough for my father, I'm not learning fast enough. In his eyes I should have my drivers licence by the end of this year, but I have three years time to get it. but well, He's no longer showing up anymore, und he's the only person that is allowed to teach me to ride a car (und I can't afford lessons from schools as I barely earn any money) so yeah, guess it's bye bye drivers licence.

Money.

I earn a whopping, 450 EUR a month.. or about roughly 500 USD.

It's not enough to pay rent, or food or actually just bloody anything. The good thing is I still live with my mother, und only pay 70 EUR rent, other than that I barely keep me head above water. sure a fursuit is in the making for me, but that was paid last year und will be finished somewhere mid-summer next year. The two only friends I got in RL want to hang out with me, but I can't because I can't make ends meet if I do, they offer to pay for me but I don't want that either as I don't want to let things due for too long, especially with money.

I had one shining light in all this misery, which was my boyfriend who lived in the US but who made my days brighter, und I tried to make something out of my life so I could meet him und live with him.

But two days before my birthday last month, he broke up with me after two years of dating because he thinks I'm not doing anything to get to the US und because he doesn't want to face how long it might take.

It really hurted me und made it more clear how deep in shit I am und how impossible my dreams are.

I just want to kill myself more und more every day because of all this fucking shit I'm dealing with.

I feel like i'm drowning.