I've screwed up a bunch. That's apparent. I am starting to become the kind of person I was a few years ago, and I don't want that again. Moving forward from the kind of depressed and sarcastic asshole that I used to be is something I've been working hard to do over the past year, but I'm going back. I'm treating my friends poorly again and I'm complaining about things that don't matter while I ignore things that do.

I don't like being that way. It's a pretty short jump from there to the pure being of wrath that my brother is, and that's my greatest fear. I am completely cut off from him but I fear that he's still a part of me. I know I'm going to deal with social anxiety and cptsd from his treatment for a long time, but I don't have to become the person that he was and is. I can change. Unlike him, I accept that I am in control of my actions. I can be a better person, and I will be a better person.

I'm not him. I won't be him. I've been him, though. In my worst nightmares, I feel the pure rage that causes someone to behave as he does. I'm afraid of how good it feels to hurt. I'm afraid of my potential. I'm afraid of myself.

I want to be good. I want to be a better me for me. I want to be a better me for you. I want to be me and not be afraid of being me.

I love everything happy and cute. It keeps me from thinking of what I could be.