Knowing that doing this helps me is what calls me to do this. Comfort of putting my problems. I don't report life news for the most part. This is my art gallery and it's for my art and my thoughts on it. Negative yes because negativity is what's fought with. Thoughts laid out raw. The feelings that as you try to push beyond your limits you find more snags. Sometimes they catch more than my proverbial clothes and scratch me up. I ask myself questions and make remarks that have, these days, been fought consistently. I ask myself things like;

Is my art boring?
Is my art gross?
Are my ambitions beyond me?
Why do I care about any of this?

I say things like;

I don't know why these artists beyond my skill interact with me. Some are even friends.
Most people don't really like what I do, I just get lucky sometimes with striking chords.
I'm just a cheaper amateur alternative to what most people really want to see.
I'm jaded and bitter toward some other artists.

I admit to myself;

Though I never intended for it, the approval of others somehow became way too important for me.
Me being intimidated and feeling lesser is a product of my habitual thinking.
It's stupid, but I want to find my way with this again.
That sometimes I want to be away from others and not even see anything from other artists, even the ones I like.

The purpose for these are so I can get my shit together. Look back at what the thoughts were and see where I am in relation to those things. Have I moved on? Are they the same complaints? This stuff is important to me, as this is me exposing myself in ways that make me feeling vulnerable. Interestingly enough, I dread showing my art to people in person. It's easier online because it feels far less tense, that I don't have to hear the voice of another struggling to say something nice or dismiss politely to not hurt feelings, or just to be told how bad or inferior it is. That goes for almost anything I do artistically. it's an interesting paradox to show things to, possibly, hundreds of people, but to a few in a room would make me want to walk right out. At a crossroad now that's come in my life when it comes to this, I see how much more important it's become and have been taking shaky steps to move forward. To build faith in the self and just become stronger. To leave behind more envy and jealousy. When I can't think of any one or two people I can tell these things to, this seems to feel better than holding it in. Letting people see it makes me feel better not for the hope of support or validation, but in a way it's like screaming it out into the air, at the sky, in the street, something like that. At least for me.

Needed that.