Ten days since my last journal. I'm not dead, yet.
I've been feeling steadily worse and worse about myself and life and the uselessness that is me. I spend most of the day cleaning and talking to people online to fill the face to face personal connections I don't get, and spend most of my nights talking to those same people. My sleep is all screwed up. Everyone's from different places and on different time schedules so I'm always going to miss out on relationships with people because i need to sleep at some point...and it sucks. I don't want to sleep and not be able to talk to this person just as I don't want to stay up and miss out on sleep. I need to see people IRL and I won't rely on all these internet people to provide me with that necessary bit of interpersonal interactions.
I'm on my way to doing that, though.
I've got my social security card in the mail. I'm gonna rush through the Job Corps application and I'm also gonna send in tons of applications to work. Places are warming up now. My range of mobility is rising. I've got a bike and legs and feet and shoes and I can get to a lot of places if I need to.
I'm tired of being useless and alone. I want to see faces. I want to make jokes and see people laugh at them or even look at me like I'm an idiot because the joke fell flat. I love my internet friends and I don't want to lose them, but I want some people I can go to in person if I want to hang out.
I still want hugs. Even just one hug from a stranger. I want some sort of positive contact with another human being that isn't my family.