Ever since mom passed away in 2011, I've felt lost, like I'm just out there in the ether with no one. I've never felt more alone in my life than I do now. Ever since I lost the person that cared most for me in my life, I've felt..empty. I've been lonely and just completely and utterly lost. When mom was around, I was happy, healthy and I never had to be alone. I always had love and I knew mom would be there for me. We were very close. Then I lost her and had to watch her die right in front of me and I couldn't do anything but die a little inside.

After her passing, I've been searching for a purpose, a place I belong. God, what I wouldn't give for a sense of belonging! I thought I had found it for a while online, then most of those people cut ties, faded away and left me here, alone again. I have no real life friends, the only ones I had were in college but I graduated in March and haven't been in the dorms since December of 2014. Ever since her passing I've been depressed, suicidal and hurting more than I ever have in my entire life. I've been smoking, cutting, popping pills and overcaffeinating. I don't think it would bother me one bit if I died today. I just don't care one bit about myself. It's a good thing I don't have access to alcohol or I'd be plastered 24/7 or dead from alcohol poisoning.

Why am I so self destructive? The hopelessness, loneliness and the
utter lack of human interaction. I sit in this house, stuck all day. No car, no transportation, I live in the middle of a nowhere shit hick town so no bus, no taxi and no public transportation of any kind. Nothing is within walking distance, I have no job, no money, no friends and no hope. Why wouldn't I want to smoke my way to cancer or drink to alcohol poisoning? I really have nothing going for me. Just emptiness.

I feel like a total outcast here, too. All I really want is to be loved and I don't even have that. I know I'm not a furry and no, I'm not a closet furry either, but is that really any reason to push me away? Is that why most avoid me? I just want to have friends, to be included in things and to belong somewhere. I just don't know where yet. Hardly anyone is ever home, here. The only thin I really have is the internet and people there but sometimes people don't comment on my work, I reach out to people and get ignored, some even offer things to other people in front of me and include them but just pass me over. I just don't feel like I belong here. Maybe I don't belong anywhere.. I just don't know anymore.

I guess this journal is just to ask that if you are a friend and you care, please let me know that I'm not just a complete outcast and failure or worse yet, a waste of space. Please, I just want someone to talk to..