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Breathe Deep teaser by Zeek illuser

Breathe Deep teaser

Zeek illuser

Well, here is a new little project of mine. It's a post apocalyptic sci-fi story inspired by the most random of things. I don't want to say too much yet since it's just a teaser, but hopefully you like it!\

I admit I'm being somewhat shameless here, which is why it has myself and my buddy Lemmy (Sadistic_Healer from FA) as the main characters. I'm writing it for fun, but I think it's an interesting setting either way! Hopefully you do to! I might even let others in at parts, still debating that...

Zeek is copyrighted to me
Lemmy is copyrighted to Sadistic_Healer on FA
Thumbnail and cover art are courtesy of Sasha (4TailedFox) from FA

Submission Information

Views:
214
Comments:
7
Favorites:
2
Rating:
General
Category:
Literary / Story

Comments

  • Link

    Length seems about right for a Teaser, it was an easy page to read. Only thing I want to pick at is around the sentence where the locals call it "Blue Madness" I think there should be a more specific description of why they call it that, instead of a paragraph later as it's harder to work out what plant-matter is part of that custom. I had this idea it would be like mold (instead of moss) and have deep blue veins, or if it's like bioluminescent cups (when it gets described as mushrooms.) Covers a fair bit of world-building and there isn't enough post-apocalypse fiction that have plants as the downfall.

    Also just to check, Lemmy is the hyena and Zeek is the fox? Just realized I can double check this by looking at your avatar. You've been using 'the hyena' and 'the fox' as placeholders for the characters' name, but I think it would make the story stronger and their names better able to stick to in the readers minds to their respective species by describing them more. Where you say the masks itch after a while, you can have the character think of how it makes their hair -of a very distinct colour- feels matted, or describe the colour of their fingers as one of them checks the filter. I have this mental image that the hyena's would be brown, the Fox's black. It's easier to follow the dialogue as it's a to-me-to-you format, but with exposition less so.

    Just by safety precautions (masks on) and the two's reluctance to deal with the mushroom pit of doom, and the state Andy (if that's who it really was) was found in. The Fungus feeds on the living? I would be retching too, that is a horrible way to go, ontop of dying in a ditch. I could love where this is going.

    • Link

      Let me just say, you have no idea how happy I am to get a good critique. i always knew I needed to improve, and people saying 'ohh your story is nice' doesn't help. Blue Madness is to be explained later when I start actually putting out chapters. I can see how it was misleading, but that was somewhat intentional.
      I like that idea about using subtle chances to weave in description. I've never thought of it like that! The thing about the placeholders is just that repeating names over and over gets to the point where it bothers me, but if it detracts from the story I can learn to deal.

      Again, thanks for the critique, and I'm glad you like it so far! just encourages me to make more.

      • Link

        ...Somewhat intentional. Oooh, right yeah it causes something like Jungle Fever (can be caused by various tropic diseases like Malaria) it slipped by me that it would be psychoactive in some capacity. I guess that's a major spoiler, but I did pick up you didn't describe what the fungus does. Exciting.

        • Link

          Well it isn't the fungus. the fungus likes it, but the madness is in the air... hehehe
          Well now I cant wait to show you more of the world!

  • Link

    Pretty much what I could say has already been addressed by Zinn above. Definitely a good length for a teaser, as Im now itching to read more! This "Blue Madness" kinda sounds familiar in concept to the Blight in Cherie Priest's Clockwork Century series which I would suggest giving a read if possible.

    • Link

      Im working on the first real piece currently, but finals are making it tough, so im sorry its taking a bit to come out. Considering making this piece unofficial, but thats up in the air.

      I'll certainly take a look at Clockwork Century. Thanks for the suggestion!

      • Link

        Dude, take your time and dont rush it! Finals take serious priority :3