On being a rape survivor, Pt 1: Outing my Rapist by uglylilmonster

On being a rape survivor, Pt 1: Outing my Rapist

uglylilmonster

19 June 2014 at 05:53:13 MDT

part one of a short series. being a rape survivor from my point of view. don’t apply my feelings and my circumstances to every rape victim, please.

comment policy: if you don't have something respectful to say: don't say it at all.


If you want to know who my rapist is, you can check out my tumblr or twitter.
I can't directly link you to anything or it might be considered a call-out post.


For two years it felt like I was lying to everybody. It took me a year to tell my boyfriend what happened. Longer for some friends. And I was so scared of coming forward with what happened to me because the person who raped me is popular and really liked by a lot of furry fandom people. It's quite possible you know him.

I have had to lose friends because I don't want to be friends with people who are friends with my rapist. I've lost someone I really loved to the man who raped me. It really hurts to feel like some people would only give a shit about what happened to me if I was dead.

Submission Information

Views:
978
Comments:
41
Favorites:
53
Rating:
General
Category:
Visual / Digital

Tags Modify History

Edit Tags


Comments

  • Link

    <3
    Sad to hear. But it's good that you face your emotions and try work through them.

  • Link

    D':
    hug

  • Link

    as always, all the hugs, and all the hugcookies

  • Link

    Thank you very much for posting this and getting the information out. I'm sorry for everything you've gone through; if it's any help at all, please know that I care.

    • Link

      Dug around and found your FAQ, so I just wanted to make another comment to say that I do believe you. I guess it's implied already, but I did want to state it explicitly. I wish you well. <3

  • Link

    everyone who is making you feel like shit in this situation needs to be burned on the same pyre as your rapist imo, regardless of how "popular" they might be.

    • Link

      I don't want them burned up. Some of the people who are making me feel like shit are people I love or look up to, but... they would rather remain "neutral" (ie do absolutely nothing and pretend my rape didn't happen) and it's like???????????????
      it's rough :C thank you though.
      TBH the only thing I really want is for my rapist to be kept out of the furry fandom - every time I post something about him a new woman comes out of the woodwork with new info. So far as I know the worst happened to me - with one other person experiencing abuse but not rape. But I'm trying to get in contact with two people who dated my rapist and then suddenly dropped out of the fandom right when they broke up with him. It's worrying. It's REALLY worrying. D:

      • Link

        "do absolutely nothing and pretend my rape didn't happen"

        Well, how the absolute fuck do they sleep at night?

        • Link

          I don't know. TBH - it's all dudes who've done this so far, and it's either dudes my rapist like, takes with him everywhere because he can afford to help them go to cons, etc. Or dudes who share his fetish and draw art of said fetish.
          He's really nice to these guys - so I guess they feel they can turn a blind eye to this stuff even tho he is incredibly creepy towards women. I'd consider it part of the missing step phenomonom.. phenomi... phenecronomicon. how do you even spell that
          but here is an essay on social groups that do this w / rapists / abusers
          http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

      • Link

        Disgusting that people would rather not rock the boat and stay "neutral". Dealt with a similar situation with a group that treated us very badly when we outed a rapist in our community, got a message from a "friend" saying they didn't want to choose sides....I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.
        I'm so sorry this happened to you and that people are responding this way, but I also want you to know that you -are- brave, people care about you, and I believe you and I'm not alone in believing you. You are not alone either.

        • Link

          Disgusting that people would rather not rock the boat and stay "neutral"

          Agreed. That's fucking awful.

  • Link

    He's not popular, believe me hun. I may not be able to much, but I can make sure that he can't hurt anyone in the local area.

  • Link

    Here for you whenever you need it.

    • Link

      Thanks Noki <3 thank you always, always, always.

      • Link

        All the cuddles and hugs for you little cupcake monster. <3

  • Link

    i read what you wrote on tumblr. you are very very brave <3 this image got me right in the feels, too. i wish i had outed mine.

    • Link

      :C +nods and hugs+ You're still amazing for being here, though. You're amazing and I am proud of you and I think you're very brave, too.

      Survivor solidarity. +fistbumps+

  • Link

    That's disgusting...people like him just should not be alive. Good for you for speaking out!

  • Link

    this is a very important and personal thing you've done ... it may not feel brave to you, but other people who haven't spoken out against their abusers probably look up to you for it <3 when you're in that situation it kinda feels impossible with no glimmer of hope. i didn't out my rapist, i was in denial that it even happened for many years ... this is such an important thing you're doing, thank you for posting it. i do believe you, it feels awful being completely alone and silent in something like this :c bless you for your strength to talk about it and staying in a fandom you enjoy despite everything.

    • Link

      I just wanted to let you know I really appreciate your comment. Thank you. ;_;

      It took me awhile to come to terms with my rape as well - I couldn't even say the word rape WRT for months because I loved him so much, it just felt like a huge, awful, disgusting betrayal....

      Thank you. <3 Thank you for being strong enough to talk about what happened to you, too.

  • Link

    As a fellow survivor (though not to the same person) I'm really happy to hear that people are being supportive. You are a very strong person to be able to come out with this, and I wish you the very best. The image made my throat knot because I have thought the same thing all too often. Stay strong <3

    • Link

      I will, and you too. ;_; <3 It hurts that you've felt / thought the same thing, but.... it means we have all the more reason to support each other, lol.

      Thanks <3

  • Link

    It really burns me up that outing a rapist is always met with 'why do you want to ruin (rapist's) life', never giving any through to the survivor's own life and state of mind, the fact that they have to live with the flash backs and psychological scars every day. No one would be saying these things if you outed someone that stole from you or financially manipulated you. Prooobably that's something that could potentially effect them, (in their mind at least) but when sexual assault happens there's this horrible notion of 'well it doesn't effect me so you're clearly over reacting' that's just gross.

    More and more people are starting to come forward about their abuse, and I applaud them all for it. It's not easy, and it's always so sad to see when one abuser gets outed, more start to feel like they can come out and speak up. Sad in the sense that they felt like they couldn't before.

    • Link

      Yeah??? like, why is it mean to remove a rapist from the fandom he uses to find his victims / groom them in prep for them being his victims but it's not mean ... just.... ignoring the pain survivors are going through to the point that they leave because they are treated like trash???? what the heck fandom????

      def get you, it feels like a lot of cismen have responded with just that - "well I'm not in the pool of potential victims so clearly this isn't really important enough for me to take a stand on. he's such a fun guy / great friend to me, personally!" it's... gross. really gross. though the fact that he's stolen stuff / financially manipulated ppl seems to fall to the wayside for them too... my rapist personally is really well off financially, and he helps a lot of his friends go to cons, so him stealing money / stuff from women must not be too important I guess
      IDK ppl will bend over backwards to rationalize continued friendship with a toxic person so long as it benefits them and they thin k they won't get hurt

      At the very least, I know me saying something has helped one other survivor come out about their rape. I am proud of that. No artwork I can create could ever live up to the fact that I helped someone do something so important and brave.

  • Link

    Aie, snooped a bit and found out about it on your tumblr. :C I'm sorry this happened to you and that you have to deal with worthless people who don't believe you... ugh. I do believe you, and hopefully someday he'll get what he deserves.

    • Link

      I hope so too. Sadly, I don't KNOW if that'd happen - even if I had gone to the police right after it happened, he comes from a really well-off family financially (like he is actually related to millionaires as he liked to brag to me), and suffers from "affluenza." :/ so IDK, they'd have probably hired the best lawyer and gotten the case thrown out.
      so it's kinda scary bc he could probably get away with a LOT before finally getting put in jail... :(

      • Link

        Well, shit. Its a rich man's world. But I do hope justice will reign down on him :C.

  • Link

    I hope this will help you and other survivors. I think A graphic/comic like this helps a lot to spread the word about it and hopefully makes it easier to understand things from your perspective. I Just wish it wasn't a struggle for people to understand. I'm always baffled by people being insensitive. I'm so sorry.. I believe you and want you to know you have my support.
    We shouldn't live in a world where people value popularity over someone's well-being. It's ridiculous.

    • Link

      It has, one other survivor has come out about being raped because of me making such a damn fuss, and so many people have approached me with their feelings, and it's been overwhelmingly positive.

      Thanks Woogle.... it is mind-boggling and ridiculous.

      (BTW, I got your text, I've just been... very sick... and very shy.... I would love to meet up sometime at the library or a coffee shop if you'd like??? or maybe go watch a movie at a theatre!! or something else!!! I can't do too much but it would mean so much to see you, and I'm sorry I'm super godawful about responding to texts. :/ It def doesn't help that I forgot about it because I was so sick... but it still sucks for you bc you've probably thought.. I was ignoring you.... ORZ)

      • Link

        It's totally alright. I understand. I'm shy too and I don't want you to exhaust yourself or anything. You know your limits and when you're having a good day.. Just waiting to see when you'd be comfortable and ready to hang out sometime! I think it'd help me a lot with my huge art-block I've been having if we draw together and stuff. I gotta catch you on instant message or something sometime and we can figure out somethin to do! :)

  • Link

    I am so so sorry. I wish no one ever went through something like this...I don't know much about the situation, really, but I think the most important thing to do is provide the victims with a safe environment where they feel they can be open about their situations without judgment. After hearing stories like this, all I want to do is help, anyway I can. :c

    If there's anything at all I can do for you, please do not hesitate to let me know.
    This goes for everyone, really.

    And even if you don't feel brave, you're doing so many great things with sharing the name of your assaulter, you're informing the people who might know them, and people in the comments are feeling comfortable enough to come out with their own experiences. This is the first step in building that environment.

    Your comic is inspiring other people, even if you don't know it, or didn't intend for it to.
    <3

    I really hope this whole comment didn't sound weird.

  • Link

    having gone through something similar and having had to out another very popular furry because of what they did to me, i relate to this comic a lot. there are so many people i used to be friends with, people who would talk so much about their "zero abuse policy" with friendships, but the second it hits close to home it becomes an issue

    but even with everyone who's ever been terrible about it there are still my friends and family who are here for me every step of the way; i hope you too have people like this to help you through this situation. this comment is coming rather relatively late but having just read this comic in a time of my own paranoia i wanted to leave some sort of comment

    thank you for sharing your experiences and thank you for making your voice heard

    • Link

      Oh man, I... definitely know what you're talking about. :( A lot of me + my rapists mutual friends were just.... not really progressive, they literally watched him abuse not just me but other women and never really said anything about it or tried stepping it, so I kind of knew when I came out publicly with it I'd have to let them go because while they'd publicly say rape / abuse are wrong privately (and publicly) they had no qualms supporting my abusive rapist while trying to also be my friend. Even after publicly saying they believed me. It's..... the worst. So I can't even BEGIN to imagine how much it must have hurt having people who say they take a zero abuse policy handle what happened to you in.. what I imagine to be some very hurtful, unsupportive (of you),, talking about rape always seems to bring out the worst in people and it's... god. we both know what it's like. I'm so so sorry.

      Having friends and family who can be here for us is so wonderful and I'm glad you have those people. I have them too. ;0; <3

      Thank you for leaving a comment. You've definitely been in my thoughts before, even though we don't really know each other, and I know seeing what you did helped me a bit, too. Thank you.

      I hope today is great for you and something makes you smile!

      • Link

        yeah, it's really... jarring, to say the least, to have the proverbial rug pulled out from under you in that way. there were a distressing amount of people who showed that sort of dissonance and people who took the issue with me and that person to invalidate my race, which is already sort of a sore spot. it just got worse and worse! but i don't talk to these people now and it's perhaps better that i don't

        but even with as hard as everything's been, how heavily it's impacted my life, it's been worth it because people -know- now. it would have been simple for me to just erase myself from the internet but i made things known and people know. more than that, people saw what i did and it helped them come forward about their own abuse. i'm not happy that people have to be put through it (i wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even the people who have abused me) but i'm happy that my voice was heard and that others have been able to vocalise themselves in similar ways

        your comment was the thing that made me smile today! i hope something beautiful crosses your path and that there's a nice breeze wherever you go, and that (of course) you have a wonderful existence

  • Link

    thank you so much for sharing and providing a name elsewhere. it turns out that person watches me and occasionally favourites my artwork on FA, and i'm glad i now know that i need to avoid them. i hope it helps other people stay safe too.

    also your art is lovely, so i'm happy to watch you!

    • Link

      Ah, thank you.... my biggest reason for getting his name "out there" (aka very publicly flailing and screaming about being raped) is because of that. He specifically seems to target furry artists at this point and it's... hella distressing that he uses this fandom to find people to creep on / abuse :[

      blushes deeply, thanks!

      Also this is a silly question but did you just stumble upon this, or did you find it through a link somewhere? I'm rather curious!

      • Link

        i follow the person who commented above me (ghost) on twitter, and they shared a link there! thought i'd give it a look and was very creeped out once i found out the name. i'll allow myself not to feel bad for staying up too late as tonight it was beneficial!

      • Link

        YEAH i shared the link on twitter because i read it at a time of "bad ptsd feels" and i resonated with it really hard! i hope that's OK

  • Link

    Wish I could upvote this... well at all.

  • Link

    what a disgusting human being, i would also like to avoid him at all costs