Officer Mike Hotchkiss had just sat down to a steaming hot cup of coffee and a bearclaw after a long hard morning of beating up blac-- er, um, panther kids in the poor part of town, tazing old ladies, and the other run of the mill tasks a modern day peace officer is required to do in order to keep the 21st century police state running smoothly and efficiently, when he received the call.
Somewhere in the woods just on the edge of town, someone had called in another mysterious sighting of a pork product. The entire sordid affair began two months prior in the early spring when strange sightings of hamhocks and shoulder butts began occurring in those same woods. Usually the piece of meat would appear surrounded in a green glow. It would emit a high pitched screech, then go dark and disintegrate, leaving only a small pool of a yellow substance that smelled of sulfur, and strange, undecipherable petroglyphs in the surrounding ground reminiscent of a cross between Mayan picture-writing and Sanskrit.
The next incidents occurred with tenderloins, more specifically, ones that would attach themselves to deer and explode, and finally, and more recently, large strips of bacon up to five feet in length that appeared to be sentient and highly intelligent. They would cluster in groups of five or more, and disrupt the normal flow of the space time continuum for nearly fifty feet around them with their high-energy thought processes. For some reason, in the last two days, they had begun abducting chickens...
Officer hotchkiss had just entered the woods and checked in with dispatch when all of a sudden...