Interlude

By Trejaan

Paperwork! After being an officer in the Denholme fleet for 10 years I should have been used to it. But there was always so much of the damnable stuff! And after the unexpected death of Capt. Addison last month, the amount seemed to have doubled. I was so engrossed in my task that I scarcely heard the faint knocking at my door. After it repeated a few seconds later I sighed and called, "Come!" I looked up to see Klaus standing there, head just poking into the room and the expression on his face made me instantly on alert.

"Papa?" he started hesitantly.

I got to my feet, crossed the room and sat on the edge on my bed, motioning him to sit beside me. There was some torture in his eyes as he looked at the floor and it was so obviously tearing at him I was genuinely afraid.

"What's wrong, Klaus?" If anything, his agitation seemed to grow. I put a steadying hand on his shoulder and said, "Are you alright? Are you hurt?" He shook his head, seemingly unable to move his eyes from the spot on the floor. With mounting concern, I asked again, "What is it, son? You know you can tell me anything."

That seemed to dislodge his eyes and he looked at me, worry twisting his features. "Papa..." His courage seemed to falter, but after a moment he asked, "Papa, is Mikhail... a sinner?"

And my world ended. This was it. This was the moment I had been dreading for 11 years; ever since my children had been born. For that entire time, I had wrestled with what I would say when this moment finally arrived and in all of that time, I had found nothing. I stared at my boy's face with no answer to give.

"That would depend" I started, "on what you mean." I could barely think.

"Well," my boy twisted nervously, "he and Gustavus..."

I nodded. "I know..." His eyes were so trusting. I could explain. I was his father and that meant I knew everything. Of course. I swallowed against the lump in my throat and began speaking, not knowing where my words might lead. He deserved an answer.

"I can't say if they are sinners, because only God may answer that... but I can tell you what I believe." He nodded slowly, considering. After a moment, I force my mouth to keep going. "Do I believe they are sinners? No. No, Klaus. I don't." I kept looking into his eyes as I spoke so he would understand. "Now, what I'm saying is not the same answer you might get from some other person or a priest... but ask yourself, what are they doing that is so bad? Loving each other? Is it a sin to love?"

My boy seemed uncertain for a moment. "But, Papa... the Scripture says..."

"I know. I know what it says." This was where I always found no answer. I sighed and started talking again. "The scripture is the word of God, right?"

"Yes, papa."

I stared at him for a long moment. "Is it?" He seemed confused and I honestly didn't know what I was going to say next until the words spilled out of me. "God said the words. But men wrote them down." He seemed puzzled. "Think about it, Klaus... God spoke to someone. And that person told other people, who told other people who told OTHER people... until someone finally wrote the words down. God can't make a mistake. Right?" He nodded. "But men can. Somewhere along the telling and retelling, some things had to be changed."

He seemed uncertain at this. "There are things in the Scripture that we KNOW are not true. Like where it talks about the sun going around the Earth. Right? We know that isn't correct."

He smiled weakly. He was always very fond of astronomy after all.

"So, if that isn't true, I'm sure there are other things in the Scripture that were accidentally changed too."

"But, how do we know which parts to believe, papa?" And inspiration hit me. "Let me tell you something Sir Cuthbert told me. He said that his belief is something he is always working at. He examines the words and tries to decide for himself if they are right... if they are good. If they are, he believes them. But if they aren't, he discards them." I squeezed his shoulder gently to emphasize my words. "And nobody knows more about the Scripture than Sir Cuthbert. Right?" I smiled.

"Right, papa."

"And he has been doing that his entire life. He is wise enough to realise that belief isn't static. It grows and changes as long as you live. There have been MANY things I once believed with all my heart that I have left behind when I found them to be untrue. I used to hate all Pedigrees. I used to think I could never truly love someone. And I NEVER thought that I could be a father. Look at me now." I gave him another small smile. "Do you think I still believe any of that?"

"Well," he started with a grin. "There are still SOME Pedigrees you don't like."

I laughed. "True enough! But there always assho..." I paused while he covered his grin. "...people you don't get along with." I finished. "I suppose that the point I'm trying to make is: NEVER believe something just because someone tells you you should. Not a priest. Not a Pedigree. Not even ME, Klaus! Never believe something until you've thought about it and decided whether it's right and worthy of being believed. If it isn't, throw it out and find something else to believe."

"Yes, papa." He looked like he was thinking very carefully about what I had said. "I believe you are right." And he gave me a smile.

"You may not realize this Klaus, but all of your life your mother and I have been teaching you what you need to know in order to make those sorts of decisions." He looked at me with a momentary surprise. I smiled and continued. "So has Cuthbert, and Master Linden and your other tutors. You might be amazed at how much you DO understand and how hard it will be for a wrong belief to take hold of you." He seemed unsure at this.

"When you came in here just now, you were upset. It seemed to pain you to even ask about Mikhail. Why?"

"Because he seems so nice and so kind. I couldn't understand how he..." Realization bloomed in his eyes. "...could be a sinner." He smiled sheepishly.

"Do you understand now?" I sighed. "I have known Mikhail since just after you were born. And I know that he is a good man. I've only known Gustavus for a few days, but I can already tell how kind and loving he is as well. Isn't that what's important?"

"Yes, papa." He seemed so much more at ease that I pulled him tightly against my side in a one-armed hug. I had done it! I had actually found the words that had eluded me for over a decade of frantic torturous thought. I had found an answer that my son was content with. But in that moment of triumph, something compelled me to keep talking.

"Klaus," I started hesitantly. "I want to make sure that you truly understand." He watched me for a moment and then nodded. "Think for a moment what life must have been like for Mikhail."

There was mild confusion in his eyes as he asked, "What do you mean, papa?"

"The Scripture says that people like him are sinners." He seemed about to speak so I cut him off. "Even if WE don't believe that, other people do. Right? Thousands of people... MILLIONS... and all of them believe that it's right to hate people like Mikhail because of who he is! Imagine what it must be like! Imagine how much of a miracle it took for him to not only remain a good and kind man but to find someone else like him to be happy with!" I thought of my own circumstances and my relationship with Master Linden.

"So, DO I think that Mikhail is a sinner? No, Klaus. Because I KNOW he's a good man. And God made him the way he is. Right?"

He looked at me curiously. "God made him like that, papa?"

I forced a weak smile. "Do you think anyone would endure what he's had to and suffered as he must have if he didn't HAVE to?" My son slowly shook his head. "Neither do I. So it MUST have been God's work. And God can't make a mistake. Right?" I asked.

He looked sadly at me for a long time and then, "I don't believe that he's a sinner either, papa."

In that moment, my heart felt as though it had stopped in my chest. I longed to keep talking, to tell him about myself; that I was gay and explain what MY life had been like. But my words failed me. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew that this wasn't the right time. He would be going off to the University in just 2 years. There would be time after. So I contented myself with just holding him in my arms, kissing the top of his head and saying, "I'm very proud of you, Klaus."

He returned the embrace tightly and said, "I love you, papa."

When I finally released him, he began to walk to the door, but hesitated with his hand upon the latch. "Is there something else wrong?" I asked.

He stood like that for a moment before he turned to me. For just a moment, I dreaded what he might say. But then, "I should apologize." I must have looked confused because he clarified. "To Mikhail. I thought terrible things about him... and they weren't true."

I have never been more proud of anyone than I was of my son in that moment. "No, Klaus. There is no need for that. He doesn't even know."

Klaus shook his head forcefully. "But I know, papa. It was wrong of me and I should tell him how sorry I am!"

Yes... He was my son, alright. Just as stubborn. Just as intolerant of injustice... especially if he were the cause. I had to smile. "You are a very fine young man, Klaus. And you must do what you believe is right."

"I will, papa."