If I wasn't so "bleh", I might find it ironically amusing that THIS sort of piece is my first Weasyl submission, but ... it is what it is, really. =/

Copy/pasting the description info from the FA version of this upload:

I know I never say so, but ... yep. Still hung up on her sometimes. More so lately, as time and stress whittle me down more and more raw ... And especially since lately, I don't know what to think about her anymore, with all the mixed signals I've been getting (which I'd prefer to not go into; it's a mess).

A lot of times it's easy to distract myself from the ache by never stopping. Always staying busy. Keeping my mind occupied on anything ... ANYTHING else ... But every now and then, it gets -just- quiet enough for it to all come rolling back. Like an old wound that never quite healed right and still comes back to hauntingly throb just under the surface of the scars.

WARNING! VENT/RANT INCOMING!!!

I know you're never going to read this, Manda, but ... it's gotta be said anyway. It's the closest thing to closure and healing that I'll likely ever get.

I'm sure you must be wondering why in -hell- would I have anything to be sad about. I got what I wanted, right? After all, I brought this down on us ... -I- ended it ... So I should be happy, right...? But it's just not that easy. Sometimes the cure is more painful than the wound it's healing.

I don't think you'll even truly know just how hard that was for me to do. How long I'd struggled to keep trying ... and how numb I had to make myself to finally go through with it. It was the hardest thing I have -ever- had to do. I tried so hard, Manda ... tried with -everything- I was to make it work. Harder than you'll ever know. I loved you with the -entirety- of my suffering heart. But sometimes two people just don't synch up the right way. Too many differences that create nothing but hurt and conflict, and there's only so much you can overlook before it all becomes too much.

You and I want and need -very- different things out of a relationship, and I know that I stifled you. Tried to tether you down to definitions of love that just weren't your way of doing things, and that was unfair of me. Unfair to us both. And I have no right to change you. Nor would I want to. You think I didn't -want- to try and explain it all to you...? To lay it all bare, and do everything in my power to make you understand why it had to end?

No matter what I would have done or said, you were going to get angry and lash out ... or worse. I tried -so- hard for it to -not- end so ... ugly. I didn't WANT to lose you completely, don't you understand that? Why was it all or nothing for you...? Was it to get even for hurting you? You just ... -shoved- me out of your life, like I was nothing ... Like I was this horrendous -thing- you had to do everything in your power to forget ... I wish you knew just badly you're hurting me by doing this. I've lost more nights of sleep over this than I can even count...

I kept hoping for days, weeks, and months after that even with you reacting as badly as you did, it'd be temporary. That the bile would subside, regret would sink in, and we'd at least be able to be on speaking terms again. But ever since that horrible day, there's been nothing but this cold stagnant silence from your side ... as you blithely carry on like I never existed. Like I'm not bleeding inside while you go on with your life as though I was never in it. With as much as I loved you and tried to do for you, even right to the very end, it just feels so damn cruel for all of that to be reduced to ... this. Do I even mean -anything- to you anymore...? Did I ever...? Or was everything I did doomed to always be one-sided? That's a hard thought to consider. But how else can a person just so easily erase an entire year of emotional history, just like that...?

And the worst part about it is that deep down, I -do- still love you. More than I could -possibly- say, but can't do a thing about it. You still despise me, and no matter what, we would never work. All the same problems would still be there as before. You have -no- idea how badly this entire mess has killed me, Manda. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking this was something done on a casual whim, so easy and so cold ... far from it. Pieces of me had to die that day, just so that I could muster the courage to do the right thing and let you go. Parts of me I'll never get back. But I guess you didn't think that was enough for me to lose, so you took -all- of you away from me. To punish me for the horrendous sin you felt I had committed. I wish more than anything I could have found a way to make you understand how -very- hard I tried to set you free as gently and carefully as possible. The last thing I have -ever- done, throughout ALL of this, was hate you. I'd sooner hate myself. You say I destroyed you ... so VERY much the opposite of what I tried to do...

Regardless of how badly you wanted to erase me completely from your life, I still hold all the good times we ever had as cherished and sacred. Even as they cut me, I hold them closer. It's masochistic and sick, but I don't care anymore. I'm used to being hurt for loving you, for self-inflicted reasons...