Sorry for being away for so long. I hope it's ok that I ramble here, I have a lot of feelings.

I don't know where to start really. Things haven't been going so well for me. I managed to switch my degree to part-time last November-ish, but even with that accommodation I'm seriously struggling to keep up with uni. I only had one exam this exam season, well... I was meant to have two, but as I had literally no memory of being in class for the material for my second exam, I had it postponed to August. But yeah, only one exam this season, and I almost certainly failed it. I used to be top of the class at school, and even in my first year of uni, but now it's all crumbled down around me.

Like, I know I should cut myself a little slack, because I do have health problems that directly affect my ability to work (and focus, and remember stuff, etc etc), and in some instances I have to take a break from uni so I don't get so ill I accidentally off myself. But this is getting ridiculous now, and I'm not sure what to do. I think for now I just have to aim to get my dissertation in before my extension's up, and then try to sort out this exam mess I've got myself in.

And on top of all this, I had the two-year anniversary of my mother's death yesterday, which I coped better with than I expected, but it still feels horrible. And I'm trying to transition, and whilst that's kind of on the sidelines at the moment because I can't do much more until I get seen by a gender identity clinic, I still have to somehow cope with the dysphoria day-to-day, which is legit incredibly painful and knowing there's nothing I can do about it for months and months yet just makes it 100x worse.

And then there's interpersonal nonsense going on that I can't understand, and it's leaving me really confused as to where I stand. And I feel lonely because my closest friends are all fairly far away and I don't see them as much as I'd like. I mean, I'm slowly easing myself into the LGBT+ soc at uni, but I can't tell if they genuinely want me there or whether I'm just gatecrashing their meet ups all the time. And then I'm too socially anxious to actually speak to them most of the time and just ugh.

I dunno. Everything feels like it's just piling up on top of me right now and I don't know what to do and I want to shout and shout and shout but I can't shout because I'm scared to, so maybe I can just stay in bed for a month? At least once my dissertation is handed in of course... I dunno I just want it all to stop. But I'll keep pretending everything is fine because that's what people always see and always want to see and I can't let them know anything is wrong.

On the plus side, I bought my hamster a chew toy that's bigger than her and I'm super excited for when she finds it because it'll make her day. c:

I'm just going to post this nonsense and then probably disappear again. I don't have a back up of reams of art to share or anything. I've got nothing to show for the months of inactivity. Sorry.