At the pier 2

By Strega

They called them the old men of the beach: Jeff the bearded beach bum, whose last name no one knew and who had been asking for handouts and sleeping on the beach for longer than anyone could remember, and the huge old sea lion the kids called Mr. Sluggo. Mr. Sluggo had shown up a few years back and taken up residence under the pier, which was where Jeff slept in the summer, and the two were often found together simply because they were both trying to get out of the sun.

Maybe Mr. Sluggo was too old to fight for sea lion cows any more. (They knew he was male since he sometimes slept on his back and occasionally something poked out.) For whatever reason he seemed to want to do little but sleep under the pier and swim out into the bay a couple of times a day to hunt.

All they knew was he was big and slept a lot and didn't pay much attention to what went on around him. As happens with bored teenagers and beach bums who had spent their lives thinking as little as possible, they found a way to include him in their games.

That way was to use him as an obstacle, a hillock to be leapt over or dodged around. Mr. Sluggo didn't care; at most he would open his little ink-dark eyes and blink quizzically as a volleyball was spiked past him or a sunburned young man sprang over him from nose to tail.

If things got rough, like a crowd of drunk teenagers pelting him with beer cans, he'd inchworm his way into the sea and vanish. In the water he could outswim any man, his fat torpedo of a body suddenly streamlined and sleek. Tourists on the pier would shout as he stuck his head out of the water and swimmers would try to follow the big old sea lion until he effortlessly outran them. He could easily have hurt someone, in the water or on the beach, but everyone knew he was placid and harmless. They were mostly right.

One hot summer day Jeff was dozing in a sandy nook up away from the tide and Mr. Sluggo was doing the same on the wet sand further down, unconcerned with the occasional wavelet that made it to his flank. Both were snoring and both woke as a muscular young man leapt from the rocks. His bare foot sank into the sea lion's thick blubber and Mr. Sluggo let out a sound like a surprised belch, waking Jeff as well. Both blinked awake as the man jogged a little way down the beach then doubled back, leaping high into the air to bounce off Mr. Sluggo's back once more.

"C'mon man," Jeff complained. "Leave him alone. He doesn't mind if you jump over him, but don't land on him like that."

"What was that? Didn't quite hear you, old man." The twenty-something, whose name was Matt, stopped and looked back and forth at the sea lion and at Jeff. Neither of them moved, Mr. Sluggo just blinking little dark eyes at him and the scrawny old beach bum - no one knew how old Jeff was, he could be anything between forty and seventy considered what the sun did to a man over time - still in his sandy nook amongst the rocks.

"And he doesn't even feel it. Look," Matt said, and kicked the sea lion in the side with some force. Ripples spread out from the impact as the blubber absorbed the blow and Mr. Sluggo grunted, but didn't otherwise react.

It wasn't the first time Matt had shown up to annoy the two and the sea lion bent his thick neck enough to meet Jeff's gaze. Jeff looked around, saw some people a ways down the beach, and shook his head.

"Yeah, fair enough man. That fat is like armor." Jeff climbed down out of his rocks and joined Matt near the sea lion. "Bet you can't jump over him front to back."

"Bet you I can," Matt said, and backed off far enough to get a good start. The wet sand was much better purchase underfoot than the loose stuff the beach volleyball teams played on. Matt got a good running start but swerved toward Jeff at the last instant, catching the beach bum in the chest with both hands and sending him flying into the sea lion.

Mr. Sluggo ducked down his bullet head as he saw Jeff flying toward him and the old beach bum grunted in pain, mostly from the push. The wet sand and sea lion's fat blunted the force of his fall and he awkwardly slid down Sluggo's chest.

"Now get out of the way old man," said Matt with a grin. Jeff rubbed his chest and sat up, butt-walking his way to the side. Mr. Sluggo peered at him again and this time, after looking around, Jeff nodded.

Matt sprinted toward them, gathering himself to leap lengthwise over the sea lion, but Jeff's foot shot out at exactly the right moment and caught him in the ankle. At a full run there was no way to stop and it was Matt's turn to go flying headfirst toward the speed bump of a sea lion. But this time Mr. Sluggo didn't just cover his head and hide. Hurtling through the air, Matt watched in horror as the sea lion's jaws snapped wide open in front of him.

There was a wet thump and an impact not just atop his head, but somehow across his neck, shoulders and upper arms as well. A lance of pain stroked down his back as one of the old sea lion's blunt canines dug a deep scratch into his skin, and Matt lay stunned for a moment, blinking into the slimy darkness. It took him a few seconds to realize that he had flown into the sea lion's jaws so hard that he had rammed himself in all the way to the elbows!

Matt recoiled in disgust from the thick slime coating the flesh that pressed tightly in all around him, but with his arms pinned to his sides all he could do was kick at the damp sand and wait for the stupid beast to spit him up. No matter how he wriggled the slimy throatskin sucked tight to his face and he coughed out strings of drool as folds of flesh slipped past his mouth. He might have been able to slither back out but the sea lion's distended jaws were latched tight around his upper body, the four worn-down canine fangs digging into his armpits as he struggled.

His eyes went wide in the damp hot darkness as he felt hands on his back. Jeff was pulling him out! Then confusion as the hands fumbled at his waist, and shock as they pulled the shorts right off of him. He hadn't had much clothing on to begin with and now he had nothing, even the flip-flops were plucked from his feet to leave him lying naked and a third of the way into a sea lion's maw.

Jeff tugged the last bit of clothing off the latest thug to bully his way around the beach and looked around once more. It was not too late for Sluggo - stupid name, but he didn't have a better one - to spit the man back up and for him to claim it was all a mistake. “I was trying to pull him out and accidentally dragged his shorts off.”

There was no one in sight, no one to see what what happening. He slapped the sea lion on the flank and nodded as a dark eye looked at him, and Sluggo raised his head. Matt's legs kicked as he was lifted from the sand and then went rigid with shock as the sea lion's muzzle darted forward. The saliva dripping thickly from his tongue and throat had lubricated Matt for easy swallowing and suddenly the muscular young man was gone to the waist. Sluggo tilted his nose upward, the bulge in his neck changing shape as gravity helped push his meal deeper, and swallowed. Even through the fat his strong throat muscles could be seen to pulse and shift and Matt's naked ass and hands were gone, bumping past the blunt old fangs into the smooth welcoming chute of sea lion gullet.

Shock turned to terror down in the slippery depths of the beast's throat as Matt slid deeper. He wasn't stuck in the thing's mouth any more, jammed in more or less by accident. It was eating him! A second heave of its jaws and he was swallowed to the knees, kicking fruitlessly at the cool beach air even as his face pushed past a muscular tightness into the stinking folds of the sea lion's stomach. Sluggo was a big, fat old sea lion and he'd seen him eat a salmon whole out in the bay but he'd never have believed the sea lion could swallow a man!

But it could, and it did. Sluggo wriggled his head as a knee caught awkwardly against the bony roof of his maw, stretched out his muzzle as the bulge of the other knee slipped visibly down his neck, and just that quickly there was nothing left of Matt but two sets of toes poking from either corner of the big sea lion's jaws. Jeff looked around once more for anyone who might see what was happening, heard the wet gulp, and looked back as Sluggo worked his jaws in a chewing motion to get them reset on their hinges. Maybe the average sea lion couldn't swallow a man, but his friend just had.

Jeff had heard that a human body contained about forty thousand calories. Maybe that was why Sluggo was bigger and fatter now. Two hundred thousand calories - four beach bullies and an asshole of a tourist - had done a lot to pad the fat on the sea lion's flanks. The first time he'd seen Sluggo swallow a man the bulge had been obvious afterward, at least to someone who saw it happen. Now he would have missed it himself it Matt's weakening struggles didn't make the sea lion's blubbery flanks twitch.

Matt slithered helplessly down the wet meaty throat, wet from head to toes with the saliva that slicked him down for swallowing. He was strong and he was desperate but as he slipped into the long cavern of Sluggo's stomach he found that cartoon depictions of the inside of animals were anything but accurate. There was no space to move, to brace himself, sit up and plan an escape.

Instead he was stretched out with hundreds of pounds of fat and muscle squeezing in from every direction. It was like being buried alive, but buried in meat. The smell of bile and digested fish filled his nostrils as he struggled for one more breath. Wet as the throat had been it was wetter here, and the thick fluid dripping down his back and pooling beneath him wasn't harmless saliva. It stung where it touched him, a slow burn that spread and spread as the sea lion began to digest its meal. He had no clothing to slow its effects, not that his shorts would have saved him.

"I'm sorry," Matt pled, but it was too late to apologize. Sluggo could no more control what would happen now than he could prevent himself from digesting that stale corn dog he had for breakfast. Matt squirmed and struggled, unable to push back the meat enough to so much as punch the sea lion's guts, and slowly the heat, lack of air and stomach juices wore him down.

Jeff was going through Matt's wallet when Sluggo let out a long belch, and he glanced over just in time to see the bulge in his friend's flank twitch a last time. Eleven dollars this time; beach bums never had much, not even the bullies that stole from others. A credit card he might sell to a fence for a few more bucks, but that was risky. It was probably stolen and if it wasn't someone might track it back to him and ask awkward questions. There was an old Eisenhower dollar coin he thought was real silver, dated 1962. Matt must have kept it around as a good luck charm.

"Didn't work so well, huh," said Jeff, and flipped the leather wallet into Sluggo's mouth the next time the sea lion burped. Sluggo knew the drill and obediently swallowed. The rubber flip-flops and nylon shorts would end up in a trash can, or more wisely, several trash cans. They'd go through the sea lion easily enough but there was no reason to make his friend crap out any more shoes. It couldn't be very pleasant even though the first two people had gone down the sea lion's throat clothes and all and Sluggo never complained.

A wave made its way up the beach, obliterating Matt's footprints as it washed up against Sluggo's flanks. Jeff smiled and went back to rifling through the shorts.

The most valuable thing in Matt's pockets, as far as Jeff was concerned, turned out to be a dented cigarette case with four fat joints in it. Pot was legal-ish now but cops would still hassle you if they caught you smoking it. Back in the rocks were a few hidey holes and Matt squirreled the money, clothes and joints away for later. He was just finishing that when four teenagers showed up.

"Hey old man," the youngest said and gave him a thumbs-up. "See you're still hanging out with Sluggo."

"I like the intelligent conversation," Jeff replied, and everyone laughed when the sea lion let out a grunt that sounded like or burp. Or vice versa, Jeff though.

Sluggo was back to imitating a blubbery speed bump and soon enough the teenagers were daring each other to leap over him. Jeff leaned back against the rocks and watched. They weren't being jackasses about it and there were too many to make disappear, which were two good reasons he didn't signal Sluggo to lift his head and yawn as one leapt right over the sea lion's head.

The other reason was that Sluggo was full and sleepy. Jeff pulled his threadbare straw hat down over his eyes and dozed as the teenagers played, and if any of them noticed that the speedbump of sleepy sea lion was wider, taller and lumpier than he'd been the last time they vaulted over him, they kept it to themselves.