Dated 14/02/2014

Continued from last episode

MIKE: I puffed. I was shivering. I gazed straight into his eyes. It was now or never.

"Rex... I can't stop thinking... about you."

Rexar's head drew back. His eyes widened.

"Er...." he murmured. "A-Are you... I mean, are you saying... what I think you're saying?"

I nodded nervously.

He paused, rubbing the back of his neck. He was clearly shocked.

"L-let... let me just... get this absolutely straight in my head," he stammered, "cos I-I, I don't wanna misunderstand you here, I need to be completely sure...

...are you saying... like, you... you've got a crush on me?"

I closed my eyes. Almost cringing. Hearing him say it almost heightened the absurdity of what I was doing.

But it was too late. I took yet another deep breath. There was no going back now.

"I... I... I think I'm... falling in love with you... Rex."

Silence.

Rex stood back. His mouth hung halfway open. Stunned.

As I felt those words slip from my lips, my heart raced. Almost a panic. As if a rush of adrenalin had carried them out with rash, foolhardy abandon, to the total horror of my self-control.

Looking at his face, knowing the meaning had registered with him, all those thoughts I'd had about telling him flashed in my mind. It didn't feel real. In those fantasies, I could always rely upon the safety of starting again. And it was as if I could have done the same, right now.

But no. I couldn't. Seeing him standing there speechless in front of me, the sobering weight of reality fell upon me. The worst thought. I could not determine whether I'd just ruined our precious friendship.

"Mike. you're... are you... you're serious?"

I nodded. Ever so timid. Almost apologetic. My anxiety was growing. I don't think he was taking it well.

He looked all around. "Er..." he puffed. "H... h-how... how long have you... felt like this?"

I dipped my head. I was scared now. My hesitancy was drawing me into a ball. A lump was swelling in my throat. I didn't even feel like I could reply.

"A...a long time... Rex," I whispered, my lip starting to tremble again. "Pr... p-probably... probably most of the time I've been living here."

He paused again. Then he turned away, brushing his hand over his face, letting out a deep sigh.

I couldn't imagine what was going through his head. What had I done. This was the last thing he needed on his mind right now, on the eve of a potentially huge moment for his career.

He still had his back turned to me. This was not what I had hoped for. I felt frightened. Guilty.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Rex."

He turned to me again. "Whoa... for, for what?"

As I shut my eyes again, I felt a tear squeeze out. "I'm sorry... I... I shouldn't have told you this now, should I... this isn't what you needed right now..."

"Whoa-whoa-whoa," he interrupted, stepping back towards me. "Don't say that, pup. Don't... don't say that. Don't think that."

I dropped my head. The tear ran down my cheek. My lip was shaking badly now.

Suddenly I felt his hand on my shoulder. It almost made me jump.

"Hey," he whispered, sliding his arm round my back. "Come... come in here, pup. Come on, come and sit down."

He gently lead me out of the hallway. My eyes started to brim, another drop rushing down my face. I could feel my breaths sharpening into sobs. I couldn't hide it any more.

Rex sat me down on the couch, then he sat next to me. The tears were flooding out of me now. It was like a huge release, all those pent-up worries, building up to this moment for so long. So many nights. So many weeks. So many months.

He took my hand, placing it gently between his own. He curled up my fingers into the shell of his big palms, giving the slightest squeeze. His hands were warm, smooth, strong.

My chest was still tight, my every breath punctuated with short, tearful gasps. But as I felt him sitting over me, starting to stroke his thumb softly over my knuckles, I began to feel it. That care. That warmth. Everything I had imagined about him, desired in him. Even amid my anxiety, the tumult of my thoughts, it was soothing. Reassuring.

He gave me a moment to calm. Still watching over me, tenderly rubbing his thumb over my hand, dipping into the lines between my fingers. My body started to unclench.

"You okay?" he asked.

I sniffled, glancing up at him briefly to acknowledge him. My head felt heavy.

"Here, Mike," he whispered. "Why... why don't you just... tell me about it. Just tell me everything. Just... get it off your chest, pup. All right?"

I sniffled again. I could feel his head dipped above mine, concerned, watching over me. As I sat there, I felt humbled. In the middle of everything that was going on in his life, he was now sitting here with me, taking time to hear me, devoting his attention to me. Right there, I remembered why I loved him so much.

I took a moment to compose myself. Here goes...

REXAR: We talked. For ages.

I held his hand. I listened to him. He told me so many things. How he had been quietly admiring me from afar. How he had been so grateful for everything I had done to support him, and how his feelings for me had grown through it all. How he had watched me and Carl together, and how hurt he was to see me mistreated. He even told me about dreams he had been having, about me taking him in my arms, showing him affection, intimacy, perhaps even more.

At first I was cautious. Mike was a dear friend of mine. But I knew he had never experienced feelings like this before. Indeed, I knew he hadn't had many true friendships in his lifetime. As I thought about what he was saying, I couldn't help worrying that I might have confused him. That he had never been cared for in this way, that maybe he was interpreting it too strongly. Maybe even that I had gotten too close.

For him to question himself so much, so suddenly, about me... perhaps he just didn't know what he was thinking. And the last thing I wanted to do was to take advantage of him.

But the more I listened to him, the more it dawned on me. These were things Carl had never said to me. Hell, most of them were things none of my previous boyfriends had said to me. But they were things I had always hoped, in my heart, that I deserved to be told. And I realised how much it meant to me to hear them. Especially from someone who I knew was so genuine, so honest.

He fell quiet for a moment. His tears had stopped.

"B-but... I don't... I don't want to put you under any pressure, Rex," he muttered. "I mean, it... it's not like... y... y-you... you don't have to... feel the same way about me..."

His eyes stayed down, avoiding mine. I heard hope draining from his voice. It actually hurt me. To see him, this quiet, shy friend of mine, pouring his little heart out in a way I know he had never done before... I had to admire him. I knew, from my own experience. It must have been so, so tough for him.

I took one of my hands from the top of his, slowly sliding it around his back, then curling it onto his shoulder.

"Hey," I whispered. "Sshh. Listen, pup..."

He looked up at me cautiously. I gently stroked my thumb over his shoulder.

"Listen..." I started, very carefully. "You... you're my best friend. You are. If you had any doubt about it, pup, you are. And, I... I like to make out that I'm the most supportive, generous friend I could be to anyone... but... hell, pup, the-the things I've done for you, I... I wouldn't have done half of it for anybody else. Ever. Y'know?... I mean, I... you're almost... I almost see you like... the little brother I never had."

He looked astonished. "R... r-really?"

I nodded. "And, Mike..."

I took a long breath. I wasn't sure whether to say what I was thinking. But fearing that he was going to withdraw into his uncertainty, I felt I needed to tell him.

"If... if I were to sit here, and tell you... that I'd never had... thoughts... about you too... I... I would be lying. Because the truth is... well... I have."

He stared at me. I could see his bottom lip just starting to quiver again. I could see the light in his little blue eyes. Clearly, that was something he had really wanted - needed - to hear.

"But... well..." I said, "the thing is, as far as I was concerned... you were straight... and I respected that. I... y'know, I couldn't... I couldn't let myself have those thoughts. Because, well, you were... off limits. You know. You were my best friend. So I couldn't. That... that was that."

He sniffled. He took a moment, shifting his little hand in mine.

"And er..." he said weakly. "W-what... wh... what about now?"

I stopped. I could see him. Looking up deep into my soul. Wanting, needing to know.

I gulped. There were so many thoughts going through my head. There he was, this guy - this lovely, sweet guy - that I had known for so long. But had denied myself, disciplined myself, to not look upon in that way. Now, he had opened his heart, and he wanted an answer.

Yet even through all he had said, I was wary. Did he really know if this was what he wanted? Was he really sure he could feel that way about another male, about me? Or would he end up worrying, panicking, changing his mind? Regretting it? Was he really, truly prepared... to cross that line with me?

I sighed deeply. Oh, I so, so didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want him to think I didn't care for him. But it felt like everything had happened so fast tonight. Regardless of my feelings for him, I did not want to take advantage of him if he was not 100% certain of himself.

"I... agh, I'm not... I-I'm just not sure, right now, Mike," I whispered. "It's... it's not.. that I can't, I-I just... it's a lot to take on board..."

His head dropped. My heart sank. I was scared. Please, please don't let him think I'm rejecting him...

I squeezed his hand tightly. I heard him sniffle again. Gently, I took my other hand and drew him towards me.

"Hey..." I said softly. "Come here. Come on, pup."

He was hesitant. I very slowly leant him in, letting his head rest on my shoulder. Then I calmly stroked his arm. I could feel his little body shivering. He must have felt so drained.

"...Rex?" he croaked.

"Ssshhh... it's all right," I whispered. "Just relax. Don't say anything..."

I could hear his breath tightening again. I didn't want him to cry any more. My mind swirled. Perhaps my caution was hurting him. More than any misplaced affection could. Certain of himself or not, there was no doubt he had a lot of deep feelings for me. Maybe I just needed to drop my guard.

For an instant, I remembered what I had been preparing myself to do tomorrow morning. It had been so important to me, so consuming of my mind and energy. Yet right now, clutching this tired, timid little doggy in my arms... it was as if tomorrow - the rest of the world - did not even exist.

I held him, and pondered. It was time to make my mind up.

MIKE: The night ticked on. We sat there quietly, him gently holding me to his side. The two of us, resting in the dim glow of one lamp in the corner.

I had no idea what time it was. Two, maybe three in the morning. We must have talked for hours. The time just seemed to float by. I could feel his hand stroking my arm, calming me, soothing me. Amid the silence, feeling so exhausted by my outpouring of emotion, I could easily have fallen asleep right there beside him.

Yet even as we huddled together, I felt troubled. He hadn't said anything. I still didn't know what he was thinking. Joyed as I was to learn he had felt something for me, he still felt distant. Guarded. In truth, I just wasn't sure he really wanted to be with me.

Perhaps I was seeing something that wasn't there. Perhaps, in having never had a friend so good to me, in experiencing a closeness with him such as I had never felt before, I had grown too attached. Too wrapped up in fantasy of what might be. Perhaps this whole thing had just been a mistake.

The night drew on. I thought about Rex's plans for tomorrow. He was meant to be catching an early flight out. He should have been in bed long ago. In my heart, I hoped he was ignoring the time, dismissing it, for me. But maybe he was just torn. Either way, I knew I had made things so difficult for him. And I was annoyed at myself for it.

I closed my eyes. Just feeling his presence around me. Savouring it. If only there were more time...

"Mike?"

I froze. Rex had been silent for a long time. I stayed perfectly still.

"...what?"

I held my breath. Waiting on his reply. With anticipation. With dread.

He took a moment. Squeezing my hand again.

"I... I'm... I'm gonna call the club in the morning, pup. I'm... I-I'm gonna turn down the deal. I...

...I'm not going."

My whole body stopped. Everything. Silent.

As I heard his words, a tide started to surge through me. Excitement. Relief. Disbelief.

And guilt.

Tempering my delight, I could not help but wonder. And worry. Had I done the right thing? Had I opened his eyes to a chance for love? Or had I just robbed him of his dream? Snuffed out a shot at greatness?

"Oh Rex..." I whimpered. "I... I haven't... please tell me I'm not... holding you back...?"

He rubbed my arm. Clutching me tight. "No. No, Mike, You're not. You're not."

I trembled. I looked up at him. "I mean, y-you don't... you don't have to do this for me, Rex..."

"No, pup. It's all right," he said. "I've thought. And I've made up my mind. There'll be other chances for me. Right here... and right now... I can't leave you. Right now, you... you mean more to me. So, so much more... I want to stay here. With you."

I lowered my head. My chest tightened once more. I felt like I was going to cry again. But it was different this time. There was no uncertainty. No anxiety. It was a feeling of overwhelming relief. Of joy.

"Are... are you really, really sure, Rex?"

REXAR: I slipped my arm from behind Mike's back. I turned, shifting myself onto the edge of the couch. Leaning on the side, I knelt on the seat. Then I lowered my head, and looked deep into his eyes.

"As long as you are, Mike..." I whispered.

He gazed back at me. His sweet, innocent little eyes twinkled with the glow of the lamp. Attentive. Hanging on my every word, my every move.

And there it was. I could see the longing, the love in his heart. He truly wanted me. And I wanted him to know that I felt the same for him.

Cautiously, I raised my hand. Very slowly, I touched the back of my finger against his cheek. Then I lifted it up to the top of his head, delicately running it back through his soft, golden fringe. His breath quivered. A hint of a smile played across his lips.

Keeping my eyes locked on his, I brought my hand back down. And then as softly as possible, I placed my finger under his chin. I checked again, looking into his eyes. Making sure, watching for any sign of hesitation. Any sign of anxiety. I didn't want to go too fast for him.

But his gaze never wavered. It was as though he was willing me forward. He was right all along. He knew what he wanted.

MIKE: My heart pounded. My eyes stayed fixed on his. Watching. Waiting.

He ran his soft fingertip against the fur of my chin. Then, with the lightest touch, he tilted my head back. Lifting my lips towards his.

My heart skipped. My skin tingled. I held my breath. I closed my eyes. He brought his head forward. With one last pause, we drew our lips together...

It was all right now. No more hurt. No more fear. Everything was going to be okay.

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Rexar & Mike: Snapshots - List of episodes in full:
M - mature rating | E - explicit rating
(List last updated 30/12/2015)

Admiration (M)
Lost Opportunity
Out Of The Crowd
Moment Of Weakness
Revelations, Pt.I
Revelations, Pt.II
Couch
Exploration (M)
Reciprocation

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This was the sixth instalment in my popular Rexar & Mike: Snapshots series, a collection of images and short stories depicting the romantic relationship between my characters Rexar and Mike. This series is ongoing, so more instalments will be added in due course.

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