Dated 28/09/2013

MIKE: I don't even know why I was listening.

Carl was here again. He had come over plenty of times before. It shouldn't have been bothering me by now, but I couldn't help it. Deep down I knew nothing had changed. But I still felt like I had been pushed out.

I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop. This was their time. As far as they knew, I'd gone to bed ages ago. But I guess I just needed to know if I was right about Rex. I needed to know if he was really like I had imagined. And the longer I sat there, the more I realised he was.

I could hear him there, whispering in Carl's ear. Most of the words were mere blurs, lost in the bubble of their intimacy. But every one sounded so soft. His voice was so calming, so soothing. Every now and then, I heard the quiet brush of his tender caress, a soft purr, a gentle kiss. Closing my eyes for an instant, I could almost feel him.

It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I liked Carl. But I didn't.

I didn't know what Rex saw in him. I thought he was arrogant. I thought he was self-centred. And he always made me feel like I was in the way. Rex had tried so hard to be fair to both of us, to let me carry on staying with him while I looked for a new place. But whenever Carl came over, it was like I needed to be locked away, like I was some unwanted intruder in their relationship.

I knew it was awkward. I probably should have found somewhere by now and gotten out of their hair. Rex probably wanted his privacy anyway - no doubt it would have made their relationship easier for him without having to work around me all the time.

But then I would think to myself: why should I be made to feel in the way? Why should my friendship with Rex be overruled by this guy? Sometimes, I felt like going up to Carl and saying "don't treat me like this. You've only known Rex for three months. I've known him for two years and he's been kind enough to let me stay here. How dare you. How dare you make me feel like I don't belong here."

I knew I'd never say it though. I didn't want to argue with him. That wouldn't be fair to Rex either. The balance was delicate enough without me upsetting the status quo.

No. Sitting there, resting my head against the wall, I knew the truth. It wasn't Carl I was annoyed at. It was myself.

Why hadn't I said anything? Why hadn't I just told Rex how I felt after I moved in? If only I'd just been a bit braver, if only I'd just had the courage to seize the moment. It could've been me out there, feeling that warmth, that tenderness, that protection. Not sitting in here in the dark listening to them, wondering what might have been.

I don't know. It probably wouldn't have happened anyway. As far as Rex was concerned, I was a straight guy who he could call his friend. He'd probably never thought about me in that way for an instant. Besides, even if he did know how I felt, I probably wasn't in his league. Carl was an athlete, a proper, muscular, good-looking wolf. I was just a shy, goofy little spaniel. I wasn't the sort of person a guy like Rex would go out with.

I could still hear them, cuddling each other. There had been other nights like this. I'd be lying there in bed, seeing the glow of the light under my door, knowing they were sitting out there late into the night. Then I'd hear them moving into Rex's room and the slit under the door would go black. I don't know if they ever took things further - right now, I didn't want to know.

That was it. I'd hurt myself too long sitting there thinking about it. Very slowly, I pushed my door closed, trying hard not to make a sound. I didn't want them to know I was still up, listening in on them like that.

The warm glow of the sitting room thinned away and the darkness swarmed in, broken only by the cold blue light of the moon through the open curtains. Creeping over to the bed and sliding quietly under the cover, I turned away from the slit of light still slipping under my door. I wasn't going to watch it go out this time.

There was no use feeling sorry for myself. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say. The reality was simple.

I guess I had missed my chance.

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Rexar & Mike: Snapshots - List of episodes in full:
M - mature rating | E - explicit rating
(List last updated 30/12/2015)

Admiration (M)
Lost Opportunity
Out Of The Crowd
Moment Of Weakness
Revelations, Pt.I
Revelations, Pt.II
Couch
Exploration (M)
Reciprocation

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This was the second instalment in my popular Rexar & Mike: Snapshots series, a collection of images and short stories depicting the romantic relationship between my characters Rexar and Mike. This series is ongoing, so more instalments will be added in due course.

RRRex