Darkworld by RedSavage (critique requested)

Darkworld (critique requested)


8 October 2014 at 15:53:37 MDT

Finally broke that writer's block. Trying out a new style. Trying to make some grand narrative. Shamelessly threw in my love for hellhounds. And weird shit. Otherworldly stuff. Something I hope to be like a cross between Dante's Inferno and Alice in Wonderland.

Will upload chapters as they occur to me.

Feel free to critique, tell my what you thought, or ask questions.

Peace and love,


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Literary / Story

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    Oooh, mysterious, lots of questions that make me want to read on! I think the biggest weakness right now is passive wording, particularly in the first paragraphs up to the point that the people are reborn (reformed?). "It was barren," "a flash of red appeared somewhere", "the window was cracked" doesn't pack the same punch as the strong verbs you use to describe the Jeep crashing. If I'm not making sense, just ask and I'll try to explian it better. Also, I wanted perhaps a little detail about the cloaked man's face once Alissa is close enough to see it, if he plays a part beyond this first chapter. And maybe sharper details when Alisa describes her final moments (before she steps into the door of light), to make it more dramatic. Or not, if you're trying to emphasize that she's detached from her moment of death. Anyways, I enjoyed reading; keep going with this! I'm curious what direction you will go from here. :D

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      Hmm no makes sense. Seems to be Chiffon's same point s/he is making below. I'll tone up the beginning when I get a chance. Put more descriptive emphasis in the interesting parts. I'll keep it in mind for future chapters.

      Thanks!! I'll review yours tomorrow (or hell, tonight if I get to it. :D)

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    I like your style when it works, but personally I have an issue with the repetition and detail in some places. You seem to repeat adjectives or simple descriptions in a few places, like calling the cliff barren and then the man’s face barren in the next sentence. Saying that her stomach became tight, and right after saying that her throat became tight. You do very well when describing the Lovecraftian horrors, so it seems a waste of words.

    Some of the transformation sequences offered a little characterization, I think, and I’m guessing you’re going to be tying the species into their living personality or their role in the accident. This might be down to preference, but I think that less description and more insight would improve the flow. Kind of a "don't worry about the thickness of the blades of grass" thing. The description of the hog seems about right to me, and anything not explicitly stated was pretty easy to fill in while reading the sequence.

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      Ahh, repetition. We meet again. I tried to intentionally put some in, and for some reason I thought it would work??? I'll try making more varied, abstract connections between the cliff face and his expression. Looking back that was a bit lazy. I'll probably do a search/count for certain words just to see how often I repeat them and fix em up a bit.

      Hmmm. So the succinctness of the hog's description worked better than bit-by-bit description. I suppose it might work if I saved it for Alisa's formation? Leave the other's vague, as they are secondary characters?

      Thank you so much for reading and the positive comments where they were warranted. Even more thanks for the criticism. I'll keep them in mind as I go along.