The type of anger where all is impossible
Go punch the air
Turn up the music
Change the song
Turn off the fucking speakers
Turn them back on
Kick the air
Sits up and then maybe a crunch
Turn off the music
Go read a book but hands can't stop shaking long enough to turn a goddamned page
Go start a poem
Don't finish that
Can't sit still
Can't walk around cause you feel stupid
Back to the floor
Get back up and sit down an the computer and try
to go to all those fucking websites you like
Bitch on that forum
Or bitch on this one
Write a bit more of a poem
Pick up the book again and set it down
Turn the speakers and music back on
Leave them not because you want to listen
But because you feel stupid for fucking with it
Back to the ground
Kick at the air
Maybe stop being fat
I'm not fat
I just hate feeling disgusting
Or maybe I hate myself
Go to the living room and jump on the exercise bike
Ignore the fact that they don't accept you
That they're shaking their head at you
That you'll always be their son
Even though he was never there
Turn the headphones up
Stare at the ground
Pedal harder and maybe
You'll ride away from all your problems because you're tired of running from them at this point
Go back to your room
Sweat dripping and sopping the back of your shirt
And the front where your tits are starting to come in
You'll never be a girl
Even though you are
But then you start to believe them
Write more of the poem
And maybe forget that you think your parents hate you
But if only they'd come out and say it
That'd make it so much easier
Because then you could stop trying
To love them so badly
Loving them past their indifference
Just give up on you
So you can give up on them
Give up on me.
Give up on me.
Cause I never will.
Things are alright.
Not great, but alright.
I'll make it through this.
I may have a book full of shoddy poetry by time I'm done,
But I'll make it through this.
I know I haven't been writing here lately. Even things I start I meander off. I'm not sure how to change that. I feel like I'm starting over. I'm reading For Whom the Bell Tolls. How come I've never read this before? It's really good. And I don't know. Maybe I'll write something. Maybe I didn't break my brain over the past year or so.
I'm sober and all, but I've got to help myself through the rest of the way. It's not all gonna magically come back to me.
I guess that's all I have to say.