So I was really debating on whether or not to post this. Then I figured to hell with it, because if I didn't have an innate urge to post this, then I wouldn't be all worried about it. And there's no real reason not to. //dumb logic.
So here's the official reference sheet I show off for the character Red Savage. She came about after a bit of thinking and has a really long convoluted thought process that you can feel free to skip. Obsessing is my natural obsession.
About last year around... I want to say Halloween, I commissioned a hellhound version of CC and REALLY REALLY liked it, much to my own surprise. So for the longest time I just sort of bounced around the concept in my head but really was too lazy to go about changing the image so many people knew--that Hunter Thompson-esque mangy coyote.
And then you know what they say. Transitions happen. (Actually, no one says that, but whatever moving on). I came to realize that as cool as the CC persona was, it was this sort of... over-hyped, masculine presentation I'd created and exaggerated of myself that, to a degree, I tried to eventually recreate in real life. This harks back to nearly EIGHT years ago when I started doing theatre. Long teased for being "gay/fag" or overall weak and "not manning up", I began putting up a very STRONG act. I intentionally lowered the pitch of my voice. I threw myself into lots of 'manly' activities that more often than not had me getting cut and bruised. Metal working and what not. Lots of sharp and hot burning things. Said cuts I would let scar. I kinda began collecting them in a way.
The more I started presenting myself in this sort of aloof and occasionally eccentric philosopher type persona, People started liking me. I was almost "cool". I kept at it for many years. The CC persona was something that eventually became a caricature of that, and something I tried to live up to. Bitter. Sarcastic. Destructive. Non-caring. I mean--hell COOL as all get out. I'll admit now and still that the mangy drug-up look of him is still an interesting design, from a purely objective standpoint. But as a representation of any person it was a really poor one. Some people made their 'sonas as something they WISHED they could be. I made mine as an exaggeration of myself and then tried living up to it. In the process I used myself up and people around me in a very negative way.
Obviously it didn't work out. It all came undone and the fact of the matter was, I wasn't half the bitter-asshole I was trying to present. Certainly bitter and repressed, but more as a result of how I was hiding behind that image. Being afraid and too lazy to face myself. Substance abuse was an easy way to keep the act up without thinking too hard on it. (If anyone recalls my way of speaking on the FA Forums, I was very much not a happy person.)
After everything fell apart and II broke down to face certain facts about myself, I was now in a position to think up a new 'sona. I'm sort of dumb in that I put far too much meaning into dumb things things. But to be fair, the important stuff was out of the way! :DD I started HRT. I came out to friends and family. And, hell, with the help of said family and friends, I began tackling my substance issue.
So it was left to this--Red Savage. The name is something I'll probably use as a pen-name for time to come! It's two things I want to be. Red---bold. Bright. Strong. Also the color I shied away from as my favorite for YEARS because I didn't want to have the "typical" favorite color (my complexes run faaaar and deep). And Savage, on top of being the eye-catching writer's name that would want to make one pick up a book, is also something I want to be. Savage and fierce in every challenge and goal I come to go against in my life.
And then for the 'sona itself. The hellhound-image was STILL very stuck in my mind in that I'd really put myself through hell and back. I really went to extreme lengths to chase and maintain a false identity as the risk of my sanity and health. I also chased a lot of drugs and was very much getting ever so closer to the harder stuff. (Man this sounds dramatic--Actually I think it sounds cool that I finally got past all that and came out on the other end. Continuing on.)
But I'm a sucker for... vanilla type stories. I didn't want a literal incarnate of hell. I wanted something more down-to-earth (heh). Also I wanted something that would reflect many things. The duality of my own personality and nature. The stubborn, fierce, and desert-souled being that I am, as well as the old country, caring, and admittedly soft hearted person I really am. Blends of things that really wan in and out of each other. The coyote was already a personal and close animal to me so I knew that would be the base of my faux/hellhound persona. Wild and free, creative, and something that is a sort of intelligent/fool figure in many Native american myths, which was something that ran in the family. So eventually it boiled down to figuring out the cross in order to get the ram's horns. Obviously a type of sheep or goat.
Another funny quirk would be that the whole transgender image would be justified by a female hound having a set of horns still. Something that IMMEDIATELY made me smile when I thought about it. Moving on~
It then struck me that my family had raised Barbado Sheep! It was a really big "well DUH" moment. Barbados sheep are a resilient breed that live in very low resource environments, and their rams are noted for having very regal black horn curls. My grandpa raised them for years until they could no longer afford to live where they once were, and my family did in fact as well. There were quite a few family and country memories tied up in the creature.
And so---it all fell into place. The character was also drawn with some more masculine leaning qualities. Broadish shoulders, really leggy, uh, legs, and larger feet and hands--all things I will posses once I fully transition. I'm pretty accepting of it all at this point. In terms of things, I'm OKAY with being a tall and leggy and strong girl. It's quite accurate to my best, honest guess as to what my body will eventually look like sans... you know, furriness. Only the bust size is a blatant guess and I made sure to keep it on the small size. I don't think I'll ever be considered BIG in that area to be honest (especially if family photos of the few female family members have anything to say about it). Basically I wanted a true transgender character rather than a lot of the perfect girls types one typically sees.
And so yeah! That's the unnecessarily long and over-thought story behind the Red Savage 'sona. Just something I like to do--over think and go on about. So this is my one place to do that and I figure I won't ever have to go on about it ever again. :DD
Peace! All dumb questions about dumb 'sona stuff can be asked here.