You’re lonely, I know this,
the world couldn’t care less
Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self - P!nk
I should have made this last year, but here it is, with a one year delay to myself. A remake of an old painful drawing. Story Time Alert
I drew the original you see below when I was 13, pleading to an older version of myself for some solace. I remember thinking it was my 20 year old self, so 8 years later I come back to look at the same picture from the other side.
I never thought I would make it, I thought I’d be long dead before my 18th birthday. And somedays when the world is harsh I wish I had taken that leap, but then I remember that my life is no longer that horrible period of turmoil I passed.
I don’t suffer from depression, from anxiety, or anything that I could’ve gotten help for. I was bullied very hard at school and I made it my only goal to succeed at my courses with stellar results - a way I am still programmed today. I was crushed under my self imposed pressure, my father inadvertently powering this through his words. I became a little 13 year old machine, who would get self destructive at first sight of a B+.
I woke up every morning to an empty house since my mother worked very long hours, I would leave to school which would destroy my tiny soul day after day and I would return home to an empty, dark house, all the way wishing a car would just end my patethic existence right there.
I felt no one would ever love me, I did horrible things to my body. I never cut myself but as I later found out that wouldn’t of have satisfied my desire to hurt myself - it simply does not hurt enough. I went to sleep every night hoping to never meet the sun again.
But to you, little kid, who fought so hard to be where you are now, know this: you lived, and you lived so well. You got out of that soul crushing place, you found people who appreciated you for what you were not for what scores you had, you began seeing the bigger picture.
That british boy you met a bit ago? He is actually your soulmate, and he will love you like no one has ever done so. He will fix you in a way you never thought possible and will change your life in a blink of an eye. And you will fix him, and you will become his most precious person in the world. Your hearts will entwine to deeply it will be hard to know when one starts and the other ends.
Those names behind the screens? You will meet them, they will become some of your closest friends. You will share laughters and tears, you will see them grow and become independent. Hell, one of them is even getting married!
The art you so desperately desire to improve? You will. and people will begin to enjoy it as much as you do. It’s surprising I know, but they will even pay you to develop your work. They will praise you and critique you, and you will become so much better than you ever thought
But of course not everything is perfect and yes, you will still be horribly underwhelmed, yes you will still punish yourself over natural mistakes, you will lose people close to your heart, you will get into fights, to will hurt several people, nothing will ever be good enough for you. But you will also understand the law of exchanges and equilibrium, and how everything good and bad form a part of the bigger picture.
Many people are ashamed of their younger selves or think a young version of them might be disapointed of who they are now. I’m not. I think 13yo me made a lot of mistakes, but made due with what she had, clawing at life, alone as she was. And 21yo is a long ways away from being at peace or where I want to be, and yeah I might not have sweet tats or piercings but I have a career underway, I have my art, I live with the person I love the most - I can’t complain much.
So here’s to you little girl, and here’s to you older me, if I continue drawing until then (I hope so) then here is a new challenge for you!
30yo Sufi will not be much different from now, but I believe in a doctor Sufi by this point. I’m willing to bet you will be married, or else please punch future Jay in the face for me. You will have an easier time laughing, you will have travelled a little more, you will have seen more of the bigger picture. I think you’ll be a little happier, without having to fret over exams, and with your own money, own house and own plans.
I think looking at where we came and where we are going is essential to our lives. And I look foward to opening this time capsule in a decade’s time.
Until we meet again then!
Until we meet again.
Oh I wish you well, little girl, until we meet again.
My little 13 year old me