Personal word vomit ahead.
This is a happy picture, I promise, a lot of what made me arrive here wasn’t, but the “conclusion”(a start, actually) is full of relief? I’m 27 now, and the in the roller coaster that my feelings toward myself have been I realized I’ve basically wasted? twenty years trying to fight off what makes me me, or tying to be some kind of soupy-middle-ground compromise so I didn’t feel like I was disappointing people and loved ones. But I know, and I’ve always known and I’m done acting and trying to dress for the part, trying to scrounge whatever bits of “girl” I could find to cover me up. I tried; styling my hair, making my face look prettier, sticking myself in dresses and cute shoes that click because maybe if I tried harder, one day I could look up and not want my body to come equipped with a zipper so I could just peel it off and step out of it. Trying to move on by clutching an ambiguous label didn’t work, it felt like carrying the cliche cloud that’s always raining on you; the days were filled with happy things, but as soon as the moment was over, it wasn’t. I could stay the way I’ve been, and keep forcing smiles when people see me and praise me like a girl or like something in the middle, or I could not.
Life is really short, I don’t want to spend mine under a rock because I’m afraid I might hurt other people. I know there will be a lot of disappointment, from my family, from people I love who already did the mildly horrified double-take at my first attempt to ‘come out’, but that’s fine because I’ll be happy. I’m happy I can finally stop trying so hard to act and lie and I can just concentrate in starting to do what I need to do for me so when I look up in the mirror I don’t have to break down and cry. I’m also still terrified, nervous, panicking, but I have lovely friends and an awesome partner and I can only hope of all the bridges I’m burning, the ones that stay are strong enough for me to lean on, because holy shit I’ll need them. It’ll be messy and painful, but I can hope I’ll be okay and I’m fine with just that little hope.
When I made Solace I was speaking to myself, trying to finally gather the courage to shed that image, and that’s the happy part of this picture; I want to throw up with how anxious I am about all of this, but I’d like to introduce to you Kee, the real Kee as a boy, as he is, and not the cover up I’ve worn for so long.