Lumen vel Tenebrae. One contrasts on the other. Without one, the other doesn't exist. which one is absence and which one is substance?

An evil person, does evil things well. A good guy does good things well. What kind of person tries to do good but does evil better? Evil is not easier for everyone. I am not very skilled at doing good. so what kind of person is that? everything i do, no matter how hard i try, no matter how bad i strive not to, no matter how much i DONT want to, i hurt people. Is it because maybe i have some secret desire that i am unaware? is it reflex? fate? or am i not really as much of a good guy as i think i am. I fear many things. i fear pain. i fear inflicting pain. it bothers me to no end. i have never been able to hit someone. but i am capable of inflicting some pain through torture. i cant think of many traits i have that make me good. when i try to hit someone, at the last second i suddenly pull back. Why? why am i able to torture someone but i am unable to strike them? Why do i keep wanting to make people happy when i all i do is anger them? Why do i keep wanting to support when all i do is burden? Why do i keep wanting to relieve when all i do is frustrate?

Am i an angel with the heart of a demon?

Am i a Monster with the soul of a saint?

Lumen vel Tenebrae