Author’s Note:

Hello. I’m Darius Goad/Alegend45/MoochMcGee. Just call me MoochMcGee, as that’s the username I’m using on Weasyl. This story was originally published on AO3 or Archive of Our Own, however, I have found their interface to be a bit clunky. If Weasyl does any better, expect all new updates to Dude Broyo Gets Nipple Wanded to go only to Weasyl, and not to AO3. Cheers!

Chapter 1

Do you ever get that feel when robot ninja vampire zombie t-rexes from the future attack and you're just an innocent bystander but then some random dude comes in and says “yo broyo, you've got to help us, you're the chosen one mang”?
That's me right now. Seriously though, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and tell you all about how I was the chosen one. So, I was like, whisked away to some boob fortress, where in the center, there was the almighty nipple wand. I held the thing in my hands, and I was just like “holy buttsex, dude, this is some crazy shit.”
“you must harness the powers of the nipple wand to your own self-gratification and also to help us prevent the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse,” the random broyo said.
And I'm just sitting here like “bro, I have no fucking clue how to use a nipple wand to jack off. I am doubly unsure of how to use it to prevent some weird-ass apocalypse that really sounds like the author's just fucking with us.”
and he's just like “YOUR SHIT IS THE KEY” and then he just fades away, like yo, thanks for trying to save the world and shit, but damn that was really fucking useless.
Like, i'm not even sure where the fuck this story even takes place, but dayum, I am certainly going to try to figure that shit out. I don't even know what year it is, man, i'm just fuckin clueless.
Dayum, I just walked away and had fuckin writer's block from this shit. I did not know how to continue and that's some sad shit. It's been a few days. Let's continue my bullshit.
So, I held this fuckin wand of the nipples and found a shit canister attached to it. I was like, yo dafuq, but then I was like, oh. Mmmmmm. I needed some shit to make me shit tho, so I used the teleportation powers of the nipple wand which I just made up on the fly to fuck with you guys HAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS.
BUT WAIT, A CHALLENGER APPEARS. THE FACT THAT I LIKE TITS, AND NOT DICK. AW SHIIIIIIIIET. WE FIGHT LIKE IT'S FUCKIN DRAGON BALL Z OR SOME SHIT, FLYIN AROUND SHOOTING LASERS AT EACH OTHER WITH OUR DICKS. MY ALLY OF BEING TRANS SHOWS UP AND UTTERLY DECIMATES THE CHALLENGER AND WE HIGH-FIVE AND BOOK IT.

Chapter 2

Anyway, I used the teleportation power of muh wandnipple to go to pf chang's. But not just ANY PF CHANG'S, but a pf chang's that was closed down for health code violations, because apparently the nipple wand can tell the difference and search for something like that like it's fuckin google. Or bing. But nobody talks about bing. Because bing is shit. Maybe yahoo? No, yahoo's even more shitty. It's so shitty it's ludacris. Wait... AHHHH I SEE WHAT I DID THERE. DAT WAS CLEAVER I'M GONNA STEAL THAT FROM MYSELF TO DOMINATE THE WORLD WHAAAAAA?
I found some dank food still in storage, and I just ate that shit, mang. I ate it like I was at an eating contest. I sat there for a few hours WHEN SUDDENLY ALL AT ONCE THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND YOUNG SUNS SETS UPON MY ANAL SPHINCTER. I WAS GOING INTO FULL-ON DIARRHEA MODE BECAUSE I WAS A GRADE-A PRIME RETARD. I FELT LIKE I WAS ABOUT TO SHIT OUT PURE STOMACH ACID. A TORRENT OF BROWN MUCKY SHIT FUNNELED THROUGH MY ANUS AND THE SHIT CANISTER MAGICALLY GOBBLED THAT SHIT UP AND BURPED LIKE IT WAS FUCKIN TASTY. LIKE, DAFUQ, THAT'S MY DIARRHEA FROM STALE PF CHANG'S, THAT'S NOT TASTY. THAT'S MURDER.
After ten minutes or so of pure diarrhea filth spewing from my ass, I sheepishly used the nipple wand to teleport to my shower, and I had a cold shower and cried.

Chapter 3

FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK DAMN SHIT FUCK HIATUS AND WRITER'S BLOCK HAVE DRAINED ALL WRITING ABILITIES FROM MY ANAL SPHINCTER. WHAT, YOU THINK I TYPE THIS WITH MY HANDS? NO, I TYPE THIS WITH FOCUSED AND FORCEFUL FARTS. ANYWAY, LET'S CONTINUE WITH THIS STUPID SHIT.

So I like finally stopped crying after a fuckin hour because I wanted my mommy but then I realized that she's dead because of the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse because I took too fucking long, and then I cried some more.

Once I was done “being a little GIRLY MAN” YES I KNOW THAT REINFORCES GENDER STEREOTYPES, BUT THAT'S A FUCKING JOKE, THE STEREOTYPE IS USED IN A COMEDIC MANNER, GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK, YOU GOD DAMN SJWS, I finally realized that my literal shitfit had substantially increased the power of the nipple wand. I teleported to the karate kid universe with the nipple wand's increased power, and yelled at mr miyagi because WASHING CARS WILL NOT FUCKING INCREASE YOUR GOD DAMN KARATE SKILLS, YOU MOTHERFUCKING LIAR. I then teleported to the dragon ball z universe to smack vegeta LOL GET REKT VEGETA FANBOYS AYY LMAO for not respecting his son enough.

Then I was like, “okay enough fuckin horsing around” and realized that the nipple wand could also time travel.

So I travelled back in time to when my mommy was still alive and ranted about “MY POOPY HURT” while eating haagen-dazs. It was a sad day for all mankind.

Chapter 4

so I was like “YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD BABY RIGHT ROUND ROUND ROUND” BECAUSE FUCK COPYRIGHT I DO WHAT I WANT JUST LIEK THEM GIRLS ON MAURY/MORRY/MURRAY/HOWEVER THE FUCK THE DUMBASS GUESTS DECIDE TO CALL HIM at the strip club, picking up chicks like nobody's business, and all around being a sexist fucking pig. How did I get to the strip club? MOTHERFUCKING. MIRACLES. (also the nipple wand)

all in all, I was just doing stupid shit just like how the sudanese government started a war in darfur, except way less destructive, not only because it didn't involve wars, but also because I was just going to retcon it with time-travel, because the universe doesn't give two fucking shits if a group of particles goes backwards in time and changes shit. The universe is just gonna be all like “YO LEMME JUST ADJUST MY SHIT FOR YA” and time ripple everything at the speed of light. DON'T BELIEVE ME?! RESEARCH QUANTUM PHYSICS AND FUCKING PROVE ME WRONG! 1V1 ME IRL, M8. I'LL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR ANUS. WITH MY DICK. IT IS THAT HUGE.

Chapter 5

so, I traveled back in time and killed myself to prevent that me from doing stupid shit. Fuckin sliced that dude in half. He really was a cut above the rest. AYY LMAO GET REKT PAST SELF! LE EBIN MAYMAYS ARE SO COOL XDDD.

Anyway, with my stupid shenanigans safely retconned, I started to think about the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse, and how to stop it. Since I had no fucking clue how to use the nipple wand in combat, I had to call upon the multiverse's most talented scientist: batman. First however, I needed to get another copy of the nipple wand for him to study.

So I travelled back in time before the robot ninja vampire zombie t-rex apocalypse even started, and got the nipple wand from the boob fortress. PARADOX ALERT BUT THAT SHIT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE OF THE WAY TIME-TRAVEL WORKS WOOHOO I BROKE ALL THE RULES! So I had two nipple wands now, so I figured i'd do something stupid with them.

I pooped into the new nipple wand's shit canister, and wished for two people to poop a single poop from one butthole to the other forever. My wish was granted, and it was fucking hilarious.